I have a new job now. I am presently teaching 5th and 6th grade elementary school pupils. I lost my job at the show store for selling narcotics to the customers and I needed a new job. So here I am.

First I better explain what a Charter School is. Charter schools are a new trend in maerican education. It is part and parcel with tax funded vouchers, the idea being that educational choises are best for the students by having a number of competing schools will make education better for everyone involved. In states that allow charter schools what happens is that any person can dream up a uniqu basis for a charter school and apply for a charter. In NYC there are many charter or magnet schools, there are fine arts focused schools, foreign language, minority, all boys, all girls, even a school for homosexuals. My niece and nephew attend a school that is chartered based on being no frills, bare basics and small class sizes (15 students per class). Interestingly enough the people that get a charter essentially are doing education for profit, they get a stipend for each student for what funcing the regular schools would get for having the brats. If you buy cheap materials, cut out any extras, give them chintzy lunches and make them share books and have the, sit on rough hewn picnic tables stolen from the parks department storage shed, you can make a lot of money, especially by not having teachers aides, a school nurse, counseling and support services and make the teachers clean their own rooms instead of hiring a custodian. Plus you hire the most inexperienced new young teachers with no seniority so you can pay them much less. Keep uin mind all this is supposed to be for the students own good.

So we needed a charter. Most of the good novel ideas were taken. I knew that even a mediocre idea could be supported if I crossed enough palms with silver. Let me explain my schools charter.

Basically most educated people know that left handed people ar

e evil. That the 12% of left handed people are evil is a proven scientific fact. Look at all the terrible people that are left handed Hitler, Stalin, Bush senior, Bill Clinton, Judas Iscariot, Pol Pot Idid Amin, Jimi Hendrix. Left handers like to brag that half the astronauts have been left handed and that LH have an average IQ of 106 vs the normal 100, due to their constant mental challenge of coping in a right handed world. What they don't tell you is that they quickly learn to hate the rest of society and quit trying to fit in and reject our RH culture. A LH person is 400% more likely to be gay or bisexual and their propensity to commit crimes is extraordinary.

What got me to start learning about the LHers and educating others about them was an informal brekfast I had with a police detective I went to school with. He sometimes likes to pick my brain about strange crimes involving occult related themes or Xfiles type things. He was describing a particularily heinous homicide involving children and I casually asked if they had analyze the blood patterns and wounds to ascertain if the perp was right handed or left handed. This detective laughed right in my face and told me that doing so would be a waste of time and resources. I was shocked, astounded, appalled. I wanted to scream at him, asking how he could have that attitude, he pre-empted my concern by explaining, "It is a waste of time since in such brutal treacherous crimes it is a given that the perp is left handed, they are the only people that do such things." That started my study of these evil people which culminated in my becomming the worlds for most expert on rehabilitating left handers. I pioneered the use of electroshock therapy using electrified acupuncture needles and a minor brain surgury that can be conducted through the nose that has a 98% success rate of ending left handedness.

At any rate we decided to start a charter school based on serving left hand
ed st
udents that would not only provide them with a basic education while rehabilitating them turning them right handed and instilling discipline. We basically are striving to keep these kids off the street until they are old enough to imprison in regular prisons. We basically promise to beat these kids down and instill fear into them to keep them on the straight and narrow and keep them with thier own kind so they can not be in regular school ruining it for all honest decent right handers.

I don't really have any skills as an educator and if I had educatable students I would be ashamed of my credentials. But what I can do is instill the fear of death into these little punks. Basically I start off the day with rigorous physical exercise to wear these punks out and take a lot of wind out of their sails. I make them run 5 miles carrying their back packs filled full of rocks. You would be surprised how little mischief even the worst of children will get into when he's all tuckered out. Then they look at books, of their own choosing while I read the morning paper. Then I turn on the education channel for a couple hours and let them watch while I surf the web and check my e-mail. Then we have lunch which is the same every day, a little apple, a peanut butter sandwich and a handful of chips and a can of Sams choice root beer (no caffeine). Then I take them out for gym class where we use the left handed baseball gloves and then we have arts and crafts where they use their left handed scissors. I just give them glue and construction paper or crayons and watch what the make. Most of the time they make scarry stuff that you only usually make at halloween in a normal classroom. Then we have bible time. Then I decide which of these punks has been the worse that day and pick a fight with him. Then we do Spanish lessons, meaning I turn on a mexican soap opera for an hour while I take a nap. Then sometimes we do math, or science or geography if I feel like
it. Basi
cally I just give them discipline. It is a good job. I get the whole summer off, I get paid $26,000 and I don't have to do anything. Full time pay for part time work.

Update, Lookaroundcafe2 brought up a very germane point in a comment so I need to respond. He asked if I teach to the test for the SAT test. I could care less about that test, these brats have 6 more years until they hear of that test and there is enough degrees of separation for me until then. But what I do have to worry about is the CAT test hich is teh california achievement test. As a charter school we are under heavy scruntiny from the State as far as these standardized tests go, unfortunately it isn't good enough for mammon that we are taking these evil thugs out of normal schools and they need "results". So anyways all kids across the state take this CAT test. I don't talk with many other teachers, I smoke too many gitanes for them to tolerate in the teachers lounge plus this one young female teacehr had a isunderstanding with me that resulted in a civil protection order, blah, blah, blah, I am older than her and know better than she does what she needs. Anyways it is a big dilema to teachers whether or not to teach to the test, meaning just giving the students the knowledge based on what will be on the test. They really act tortured over this moral question. But the cool thing about it is that we proctor the tests, collect the tests and then turn them in to the state. Bing Bong, hello???? So that week is very expensive for me, first I have to buy a bunch of crossword puzzle books and word search books for them to do while the other studenets take tests (they need to be able to talk about their test booklets) in case they have younger siblings at the school or something or one of these nosy parents is asking them stuff. Then I go down to the public house and buy a ton of drinks for my mates and we have to go through and fill out all these little
circles and dots on the score cards making it look like an 8 year old did it. It is a lot of work, but it beats getting a real job. What I got to be careful of is my mate Randy was getting some Dutch courage and decided to actually take the test for little Holly and the dummy got her held back for a year even though she was my brightest student.