The Home of Old Man Stinky Pants (J.D. Wetherspoon in general)

Member Name: plipplop

Product:	J.D. Wetherspoon in general
Date:	04/01/06 (313 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Cheap

Disadvantages: But Not Very Cheerful

Over the last two years, I seem to have found myself drinking in far more Wetherspoon pubs than I would choose to admit. The pub chain’s boundless popularity seems to reach out to everyone and virtually all my friends and colleagues drag me into one converted building after another. Whilst it’s not all a complete mystery to me, the relentless appeal of Wetherspoon pubs does surprise, because as far as I can see, the pub chain’s management knows nothing about real public houses or offering a quality night out. Let me explain what I mean.

The J D Wetherspoon chain was founded in 1979 by a 24-year-old law student called Tim Martin. The chain started off with a couple of low turnover pubs in North London. By 1986, the company was already worth £4,000,000 and the company’s expansion since then has literally been explosive. In 2002, the company opened its 600th pub, and the expansion plans show absolutely no sign of diminishing. Today, there are very few towns or cities in the UK that don’t have at least one Wetherspoon’s pub and with the growth of their new lodges and Lloyds No 1 bars, there seems to be no stopping them.

Ultimately, the Wetherspoon’s customer experience is based on the key principle of value for money. By developing huge economies of scale, Wetherspoon’s can keep down the prices of beer and food in much the same way as Tesco or Asda perform in the retail stakes. It seems to be a very successful recipe, because whenever you pop into a Wetherspoon’s pub, they’re always pretty busy.

But popularity and volume of customers doesn’t necessarily mean that Wetherspoon’s pubs are “the place to be”. For me, the company has something of an identity crisis, whereby it doesn’t really know who to appeal to, and I have to say that I find drinking or eating in any of the establishments a chore at best, and a nightmare at worst. I’m afraid I’ve never really subscribed to the philosophy that “cheap is good” and I think it’s the purist in me that objects to Wetherspoon’s so much. This is my philosophy on the whole experience.

Most of the pubs seem to be located in converted buildings or premises that were previously used for something else. I’ve drunk in a converted cinema, a renovated church hall and a tarted up stable block but the one thing that they’ve all got in common is that they weren’t designed for drinking. What this means is that they tend to have a bar stretched along one long awkward wall, or cramped into a corner at either end with huge expanses of space awkwardly arranged with a selection of table, stools or bars. Very few of the venues have a feeling of intimacy or privacy and you always get this feeling that everyone is watching you and listening to your conversation. Unlike the “Beefeater-style” themed pubs, you are at least spared the embarrassment of fake antique props, but the décor is otherwise very dull, and normally comprises a selection of black and white photographs of what the building used to look like. I think we’re supposed to marvel at the cleverness of it all. I tend to just sit there thinking what a waste of a good building.

Full credit goes to Wetherspoon’s for their upwardly mobile attitude to smoking, in that they were one of the first chains to introduce dedicated non-smoking areas. These are successful in differing amounts, but as with any such concepts, you tend to find that the smoke still manages to get into the non-smoking area. Furthermore, the non-smoking areas generally double us as family areas and dining areas, which means that whilst you might be spared the smell of cigarette smoke, you can only escape if you have something to eat and share your space with hordes of screaming children. Additionally, the clientele of the pubs is such that I’m often surprised that they can fit a drink in between the drags of pipe, cigarette or bong smoke. So what of the clientele?

There’s really no nice way to say this. Wetherspoon’s pubs attract smelly, dirty old men in droves. On an average Sunday lunchtime, at least 60% of your average Wetherspoon’s pub’s clientele will be pensionable, if not completely revolting. So steel yourself for hours of coughing, hacking and embarrassing laughter as the Father Ted appreciation society meets for its fortnightly gathering, complete with budget of £2.50 per head. Whether the smell of their feet gets you before the smell of their pipe smoke will be debatable but you certainly wouldn’t come here to pull. Even on a Friday or Saturday night, the venues are STILL full of old men, desperate in their quest to get as many pints as possible for a fiver and it’s all completely revolting. My experience isn’t limited to one or two pubs. I’ll categorically stick to this observation in at least twenty different venues and I’d be willing to bet the rest are just as bad too. The more local the venue, the higher the likelihood that all the old soaks will be in there. So if Wetherspoon’s want young, un-thrifty consumers to fill their bars, I’m afraid they’re going to have ship out all the old gits first.

Strangely enough, the trendy sub-brand, Lloyds No 1 has an equally bad identity crisis. Lloyds No 1 Bars are supposed to appeal to a younger clientele, and generally feature in city centres or popular nightspots. They open into the early hours and feature the same sort of drinks and food, but with loud music and a little wooden dance floor in the corner. The one in Manchester is an absolute revelation on a Friday night, with the one in Newcastle being absolutely no better. The trouble is that the music is more like a replay of The Hits and with the clientele still generally verging the wrong side of 40, it’s all a bit of a disaster. Coupled with this, you have the added benefit of burly, unfriendly bouncers and all in all, it’s straight off down to Revolution, thank you.

The food and drink in Wetherspoon’s is unquestionably cheap, when compared to any other pub or restaurant. The other “bonus” of course is that if you go in one Wetherspoon’s, you will be guaranteed the same choice as any other. The downside of this is that the places are generally sanitised beyond belief and have absolutely no character whatsoever. A pint can cost as little as £1 (why do you think Old Man Stinky Pants likes it here so much?) and a glass of wine will hit you for around £2.00. There are frequent offers on spirits, mixers and cocktails and in the drinks menu actually more closely resembles a supermarket advertisement than a bar tariff. Even bar snacks and crisps seem to be on a “2 for 99p” offer all the time, and whenever I’m in there I get this terrible urge to scream, “Has nobody got any bloody money?”

The food is all rather primitive, with few dishes costing more than £5.00. Cheap is not necessarily cheerful however, with lacklustre Sunday roasts and gristly steaks often adorning the table. To be fair, the food is generally hot and fresh, but there’s only so far that the £5-per-hour chef can go with a bag of frozen chips and a lump of value beef and a sprinkling of herbs simply doesn’t cut it, as far as I’m concerned. Occasionally, I’ve been tempted by a Panini or ciabatta, but the pubs’ ability to serve the fattiest bacon in town normally puts paid to that one. The all-day breakfast is OK, and strangely enough, the vegetable burger is OK too, but otherwise the food is pretty awful. You can’t really go wrong with the drinks of course, and Wetherspoon’s often have a range of real ales to tie in with their beer festivals. It’s just a shame that the venues are so disheartening.

Summary: Cheap Pub Chain With No Frill or Thrills