Gateau de Noël à la mode du torr (Cakes)

Member Name: duncantorr

Product:	Cakes
Date:	01/12/07 (458 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: A Christmas cake's a scrumptious treat

Disadvantages: Too rich with so much else to eat?

December's here. It's time to bake
Our annual family Christmas cake.
Some say it's best done months before,
But I'm pedantic; I deplore
Such early starts to Christmastide.
If it were my decision, I'd
Forbid the C-word to be used
Till Advent started; it's abused
As matters stand....Enough, I'm ranting -
Instead, I'll go and start decanting
Some Christmas spirit from its bottle.
Thus fuelled and running on full throttle
I'll talk you through instructions for
Gateau à la mode du torr.

Ransack your larder first of all.
It's likely that among your haul
You'll find dried fruit, which often lurks
In shady corners (and it irks
A cook to find it aeons later,
Condemned to waste by "use by" data).
Assuming it's still "best before"
Weigh what you've got and buy some more
If there's too little. For a tin
Of seven inches rim to rim,
Twenty ounces are required.
For larger tins, if so desired,
And if you're being systematic,
Apply proportionate mathematics.

Or just bung in a handful more.
Gateau à la mode du torr
Is flexible in every measure.
The aim is gastronomic pleasure,
Not calculating some square root....
Enough, where were we? Oh yes, fruit:
Currents, raisins and sultanas,
Dried pineapple (but not bananas),
Plus glacé cherries, candied peel,
And any suchlike stuff you feel
Will taste the part once left to steep
A night or two while you're asleep,
In sherry, rum, madeira, brandy
Or any liquor you've got handy.*¹

While waiting for this marinade
You should have rounded up and weighed:
Six ounces margarine or butter
("Cholesterol!" I hear you mutter,
But what the hell, it's Christmas time,
When self-indulgence is no crime);
Six ounces sugar (muscovado
Is favoured by aficionados);
Four ounces flour (if it's self-raising,
The cake's expansion's quite amazing -
So half and half with plain will do);
Two ounces of ground almonds too,
Plus four of unground, blanched and chopped
(By nut-allergics both are dropped.)

For the next step you'd best enlist
A passing son who's strong of wrist.
Butter and sugar in a bowl
Need to be "creamed". It takes its toll
On aging muscles such as mine -
In stately, dignified decline -
To get the mixture smooth and whitening
At the edges. Fast as lightning,
A younger man can do the trick,
Stir in ground almonds, double-quick,
Then gradually (as wine is sipped)
Fold in the eggs that you have whipped,
Four in number, medium size,
Bought from a free-range enterprise.

Your burly offspring by this time
May feel he's working overtime,
So take a break, no call for haste.
Before proceeding, check the taste
Of the fruit mixture; it may need
Another splash of port or mead
And so may you. When you're refreshed
Seek out a sieve quite finely meshed
Through which to add the waiting flour
(Son stirring all the while with power -
Thank goodness he still packs such wallop).
Alternate the flour with dollops
Of fruit and nuts, which you now strew
Into the creamed delicious goo.

Delicious? Well, it's best to check
By tasting (but don't risk your neck
If you're the kind of gal or feller
Who's terrified of salmonella,
Since there are raw eggs in the mix).
I tend to hazard a few licks,
Ostensibly to judge the flavour,
Deciding if an extra savour
(Like ginger, cinnamon, vanilla,
A further dash of manzanilla?)
Would enhance it. You might find
A pinch of salt, the grated rind
Of a lemon, plus its juice,
Will the desired effect produce.

A further stir, a last libation;
It's ready for incarceration
In baking-tin which you have greased
To lubricate the nascent feast,
And furthermore, not being a sloven,
You'll have by now pre-heated oven
To Three-Ten F, One-Fifty C,
(Mark 2 to those as old as me).
In goes the cake, right in the middle.
You can sit back, give thumbs a twiddle,
At least two hours, maybe three.
To test, plunge in a knife and see *²
If this is dry when pulled back out;
If so, it's cooked, without a doubt. *³

Cooked, but not yet decorated;
The two things can be separated
By a week or two - or more.
Gateau à la mode du torr
Is often eaten without icing,
But if you'd find it more enticing
With, that's fine, it's easily done,
And if you've kids they'll have some fun
With sticking on the marzipan
(First rolled out flat, then glued with jam).
Next mix the icing (What, can't hack it?
You'll find instructions on the packet),
Smooth on and top with, let us say,
A sugar Santa on a sleigh.


Despite the glut of festive fare
- Mince pies, plum puddings, choc éclairs -
Young appetites are never beaten
I know the cake will soon be eaten.
My elder son alone can swallow
Half such a cake and still feel hollow.
For cakeivores like him there's no
Such thing at Christmas as "de trop".
Although they've done their share of cookin'
Mere parents may not get a look in.
To guard against this dread disaster
At sleight of hand become a master
And bake an extra cake to hide,
Your secret treat at Christmastide.





© duncantorr 2007. Also published under the name torr on Ciao UK.


Footnotes, in case of ambiguity and for the avoidance of doubt,:

*¹it is the dried fruit, not the sleeping cook, that should be immersed as described.

*² The knife should be plunged into the cake, not into your thumbs.

*³ It is the cake, not the knife, that this test ascertains to be cooked.

Summary: Thinly disguised recipe for Christmas Cake