... ask for milk in your tea. Or a fork. Yet strange to say, this is my favourite London restaurant by an absolute street - this place is quite unique and somewhere I make sure I take all those who are visiting London forthe first time. A massive emporium to Chinese food, this place sprawls over about five floors, offers about the cheapest food in town and a spectacle to match. It's waiters are legendarily rude, it's provinces murky to say the least -everyone who works here is an illegal immigrant, for all I know the owners are Triad gang leaders, and urban myths abound of people being thrown out just for asking for milk in their tea.

So why on earth am I recommending it? What makes it so special? Lots of
things. First of all, Chinese restaurants in Chinatown are two a penny - or two a
pound rather, as they ain't cheap, and are generally pretty mediocre, with average
food, no atmosphere and high prices. Won Keis bucks that trend completely. It's
also the most eccentric restaurant in London and so an entertainment fest to
boot.

Let me explain. Here's what'll happen when you walk in. You'll be one of several
parties shuffling throught the door. Quite fast, you catch the eye of one of the
notoriously rude waiters, who will look you up and down and snap. "How many?". Give the number of your party and however many it is the answer will be the
same: he'll jerk his thumb towards the back of the restaurant and answer,
"Upstairs" (hence one of it's many nicknames: Upstairs Upstairs). Off you will
obediently shuffle to the back of the restuarant, where a grubby staircase will take
you up to floor two, kinda like Dante's Inferno in reverse. Here the same scenario
will occur. Eventually you will be show to a table, maybe on the third or fourth
floor, which will seat eight - again regardless of how many there are of you
. The
rest of the table will be taken up with complete strangers, who will vary from
Chinese families to Soho trendies to business lunchers to tourists. You'll order
our food from a grubby menu that hasn't changed in about ten years (and neither
have the prices) and be given a free teapot of delicious china tea. Your menu choices will feature all the usual Chinese stuff, personal favourites being the sweet and sour port and singapore fried noodles. Beware that there's not much on offer for veggies, and the staff are very unhelpful if you start quizzing them about ingredients.

Your food will arrive via one of the many and unceasing dumb waiters that take up one side ofthe room and will be slung at you by yet another taciturn waiter. You'll eat it, and
it'll be unexpectedly delicous. When you're done, a piece of cheap paper will
arrive covered in Chinese scribbles and a total at the bottom: this is your bill.
Cash only please, cheques and credit cards will not be accepted,this is a strictly
over the counter operation as most of the staff are almost certainly illegal
immigrants. They don't even really accept tips, so don't hesitate to gather up your
change and pick your way back out into the street, where you will be returned,
fed and feeling slightly bewildered, to the real world outside.

This place actually used to be best known for the rudeness of the waiters, but
this is in my experience waning. Last time I went one of them said thank you
when I paid the bill and I nearly fell over backwards in shock. But whatever kind of
service you get, I can guarantee one thing: your food will be delicous in a trashy
Chinese sort of way, the portions will be huge and you'll be pleasantly surprised
by the bill. And whatever has happened to the waiters, a trip here is still a quite
unique experience: the ritual entry, the mad decor, the fantastical mix of din
ers -
Won Keis is a London institution and long may it remain so. Miss it at your peril.

STOP PRESS: I drove past yesterday and it's apparently closed for refurbishment till the end of May, so you'll have to hold off till then.