Giant Was a Competent Builder (Arndale Centre)

Name: Muffin_the_Mule

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Product:	Arndale Centre
Date:	15.08.01 (485 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Being Called Manchester, Thoroughbread Lightbulbs

Disadvantages: Near the Trafford Centre

"I'm going to tell you all that there is to know about Manchester."

That was what my thought was when I began writing this opinion about a week ago.

I have since realised that that is a simply ridiculous notion.
(as is the fact I have to put 'that' twice in this sentence to make it make sense)

Therefore this opinion has now been dissected into daytime op and night-time op.
This is the daytime one, night-time one will follow.

Eventually.

(Directions to Manchester from anywhere in the country are detailed at the bottom of this opinion)

Firstly, a confession. Manchester's not technically my hometown, GeeCross is.
But then nobody has ever, EVER heard of GeeCross.

Not even Taxi drivers know it exists.

---------------------------------------------- ---------------------------
Sunday Morning 3.06am

"Gee Crosh pleassshe driver"

"Where my friend?"

"Chee Crosh! Near Hyde?"

"Hyde? Ain't that where that Shipman fellow lives?
Do you know him?
Hello?
We're on the Motorway! You can't get out here!"

{then you get the rolling and the bouncing with pain and the snapping and the.......................}

"Tameside Hospital please driver..."

---------------------------------------------- ---------------------------

I don't think the Mayor of Hyde, (and I'm sure all he does all day is set the dog-poo penalties you get on those lamppost signs) even knows it exists.
And he lives here.

In fact. I challenge you to tell me something interesting about my own village. Anything at all. Not including anything from GeeCross.com.

Go on. You know you want to.

It is for this reason, plus the fact I've worked there my whole adult life, that I consider Manchester my home.

Basically. I believ
e no other city can top the place for stuff to do*

I'll start with daytime activities shall I?

Ok. Shops. There are a voluminous collection of shops to cater for every walk of life.

We have posh shops for posh people.
Like that crazy granny dressmaker Vivienne Westwood, drearily monickered Paul Smith,
and there are 2 Armani stores (which bizarrely are both next to each other - don't think they thought that one through with quite enough detail when they were picking locations)

There are other designer stores in the city centre, but seeing as I can't afford to buy the stuff they cobble together, I'm not going to tell you which ones they are.
They're all very nice though. And they aren't just clothes shops. Oh no. We even have a designer lamp-shop. Incase any of you want thoroughbred light-bulbs.

Then we have the "we think you're posh" shops, for "You think we're posh" clientele.

I'm not going to name the store, because I'll upset someone and they'll sue me for slander. but if you ever visit to Manchester, It's on a road called Deansgate. About halfway down.
It's huge.
As some sort of odd tribute, someone christened a chocolate coated minted energy cake popular with ramblers after this shop.
An even more eccentric salvo is that they also named a whole town after the place.
A town called Kendal.
They did take away the 's' from the end of the store name when consecrating the town, so to save confusion.

Glad to get passed that bit without you knowing that store name, could have been potentially embarrassing.

Next in the social ladder that is Manchester retail, there is an enormous, hollow, toilet block.

Called the Arndale Centre.

Not many people know this, but the Arndale was built in 6990bc.

When the earth was populated by giants.

And like any ci
vilised community, they need privacy ready for when nature calls, so they built the 'Arndale Municipal crapper' .
It got converted to a Mall in about 1975, but because it's officially older than time itself, the architects
thoughtfully retained the original yellow tiled effect.

Even after an upset group of Irish blokes, (I think they were in the UK on a Stag do) lit a fart and blew up half the city, the Arndale stood firmly. If a little bit further up the street than it was previously.
That's the virtues of giants' developers for you.

In and around the Arndale are all your standard high street stores - Mobile phone shop, McDonalds, Mobile Phone shop, Macdonalds and a mobile phone shop.

Also inside the Arndale is an indoor market where you can buy cooked chicken, and, not too far from the centre of Manchester is St Mary's Hospital, where the nurses will happily look after you until you come round.

Finally on this whistle stop emporia (noun: A retail establishment where merchandise is sold) tour of the north west's finest city, is an area called the "Northern Quarter"
This is like the fashionable bit. So that's why I can't tell you anything more about it.

Other than the fact that there is a building called Affleck's Palace.
I'm not sure who Affleck is, why his palace is in an old warehouse or which country is his Kingdom, but here, not only can you buy clothes, but also Bongs.
And Sex toys.
Marvellous.

If you can't be bothered to traipse around a city centre stocked with culture to do your shopping, you could always go to the Trafford Centre.

When new, The Trafford Centre was hailed as Europe's largest Mall.
A title it held for all of about 4 days, because then they opened someplace called blue-something. Near somewhere south of here.

I don't like the Trafford Centre.

The only good thi
ng about the place is that it has acted like one of those blue neon lightboxes in Kebab shops to the flies that are the scourge which is all things Scally.
This keeps them out of my way.

I've never seen so many elegantly dressed teenies in all my life. The Rockport Boot / White Sock / Tracksuit bottoms / LaCoste shirt combo is the new little black dress. While the hat symmetry is breath taking.

I can't really do justice to the myriad of retail opportunity that there is in Manchester City Centre. You'll just have to visit instead.

Of course you can do more than just shop in Manchester.
You could take a tour of the Manchester United Museum, and see how brilliant they are.

Alternatively, if Red is not your colour, you could do a
stint in the Maine Road Museum.
Do take a couple of seconds to admire their trophy cabinet. The Dovetail joins are awe-inspiring..
Watch out though. If you see small grey haired bloke screaming how much he 'LOVE IT, LOVES IT!' Into a microphone, he might just play you in central defence.

There are also loads of Restaurants and bars, about which I shall chunner on forthright about in another op about when it goes dark in town, and something really odd happens.

Now as promised is directions to Manchester from anywhere:

If you are in the South: Drive North. If you see Edinburgh Castle, that's in Edinburgh and means you've gone too far.

If you are in the North: Drive a bit South. Not too far. If you stop to have a drink, and they offer you a Cinzano and Lemonade, Turn round and come up a bit.

If you are coming from the East: Drive West. If the road signs start to look like they were written by a monkey, take immediate emergency action, as this means you have crossed over into Wales and are in danger of death by road sign.

If you are Coming from the West: Drive East. If you see a Sheep smoking a Cigarette in
a pleasured post coital manner, then sadly there is no hope for you, unfortunately you have hit Leeds.






*excluded from my belief structure, is any foreign city, any capital cities, and anywhere where you might live. I just don't want to argue.**

** This disclaimer is not because I'm a coward. Just ignobly lacking in courage***

***this doesn't mean you can call me names.

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