My Grand Bus Tour (Bus Tours)

Member Name: Cammij

Product:	Bus Tours
Date:	09/11/03 (169 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Cheap, Fun, lack of privacy

Disadvantages: Odd drinking laws, lack of privacy

Lots of things I do seem to other people to be very bad ideas. Fortunately I live a bizarre existance where due to my extraordinary skills as a machinist and builder combined with the fact that I am the scion of a famous rich German Industrialist family I can pretty much at least attempt any idea that I conceive. This bus trip this Autumn is a prime example of an idea, horrible unpractical being brought to fruition by virtue of my having limitless powers to fufil my imagination.


Many students come to my hometown of Sandusky Ohio from all over the world (at least all over the world where the citizens would reduce themselves to being Fast Food workers living 9 people in a one room flat and riding bicycles to work) during the summer. They come here on what is called a J-Visa, which is better known as a work travel visa. It is a program whereby students may come here to work 3 months and travel for one month. At the end of summer when the Amusement park that most of them work at shuts down and the business as the hotels and restuarants diminishes they start thinking about a grand trip across America. Most of them are all into these stoopid National Parks. They like the idea of seeing hot water blowing up in the air, a great big colorful ditch, or dumb trees that got turned into rocks. I think most of these are a waste of time but I have this thing about fit foreign babes and end up doing whatever they want me to do.

Back a long time ago after Plessy versus Fergunson or something about Little Rock Arkansas the law made the schools bus kids all over the place to make sure that there would be lots of colored kids at most of the schools. As a result a million gazillion school buses are made each year in America. The schools use them for a while and then buy new ones and then they go begging us for new taxes to pay for them. The old school buses get sold to churches and citizens who turn them into campers and caravans or use them to grow marijuana

in them.

To fast forward I ended up buying one for $1500. Then in our best imitation of Orange County Choppers we went to work on it. A beauty if there ever was. 1984 BlueBird, 72 passenger. 12 benches per side. Old vinyl seats fit for heavy use and childrens accidents. We kept the front 6 benches on each side but tore them out and pushed them togetehr so the aisle went down the right side of the bus rather than the center. We tore out the last six rows of benches to make some creative space. And like some drunk buccaneers who watch toio much trading spaces and West Coast Choppers we went nuts. We put in a little kitchen, a small bathroom that simply drops the "dunnage" onto the road, and a two sets of triple bunks. We made a little shower stall too. We simply stacked three 55 gallon drums on the roof and rand side exhaust pipes around them. We got a telly and VCR and a bunch of coolers. Truthfully about 4 people can sleep comfortabley in it, if they are on valium. But we can sleep about 14, and in a pinch 25 or thirty people.

We rounded up every person who wanted to go on a road trip. We get about 7 miles per gallon fuel economy so the fuel cost of an 8,000 mile trip per person is about $40. Imagine that. No hotel costs, cook onboard and transportation. Not the greatest comfort but this was about economy.

We decided only Earl, Popeye, Hollywood, Kwik Karl and me would go, and lots of hot babes. We told them all sorts of lies about great malls, cheap food and exciting discos and loaded them up. Our final head count of 5 American men, and 23 hot Czech, Slovak and Bulgarian women.

Technically we should have had commercial drivers licences to operate a school bus. Technically there was a lot of stuff people should and should not do in life. Liek for instance there should not be mass alcohol consumption going on in a bus. We decided that we would try not to draw attention to ourselves. By the time we got to Chi
cago 5 hours later we decided to try a new approach to law eforcement evasion and actually draw attention to ourselves in hoping that being open, upfront and sublimely brazen we would make the authorities think that we were not partaking in illegal or suspicous activity. So we went to Odd Lots and bought a mess of 99 cent spray paint and painted the bus with all sorts of crazy puppets and declared ourselves the Czech National Puppeteers. We found a toy sture that had a whole bunch of puppets, not marionettes buy hand puppets. We had a folding table in the bus and when we would stop we would drag out the table, drape a black bedsheet over it and do puppet shows. The puppet shows weren't exactly for children, or adults for that matter. The puppet shows were just displays of wanton violence and sex. People seem to think that there has to be a point or punch line to a puppet show. Ours were mostly about motorcycle gangs, violence in Bosnia and sexuality of sailors. By the time we hit Iowa, with many stops at fabric shops we had a crew of depraved pirate puppets. We suddenly evolved into a top notch puppet team. We ended up stopping at several parks to put on impromptu puppet shows for the people. It is surprisingly like an emperor's new clothing type thing. People assume because some of us were Czech, that we came from far away and had accents that we were somehow legitimate. I would wander the crowd, look gas is expensive and people absorbed in a puppet show are easy to pick-pocket, and people often would say, "maybe it loses something in translation" while watching a vulgar display of domestic violence or profane sex. These people wanted to overappraise themselves by pretending they knew art when they saw it. It became a huge joke to us all about how over the top and obnoxious we could be with our puppet shows.

We got bored with the puppets by the time we hit Colorado and several of our puppets had caught on fire and a couple jumped out of
the bus so we repainted the bus as the school bus for the "Academy of the sexually gifted". We had a lot of fun with that. I bought a kilogram summer sausage to keep strategically in my trousers to impress the people who saw us five blokes with all these women.

Finally we got to the Rockies mountains and did not need all these fiddles and pranks to amuse ourselves and the majestic beauty of the great outdoors took over. We went to aspen and went skiing. We had stopped at Kinkos and I made my self a "Tour Leader" badge. That was fun. I served as a tour guide and acted like I knew what I was talking about everywhere we went. I sometimes would street preach instead of giving a proper tour though. I like street preaching, it is lots of fun.

We drove over to the Grand Canyon, and I got drunk, actually I only got drunk once on this trip of 15 days, it was 2 hours out of Sandusky and I kept myself drunk for the next two weeks, I would wake up drunk. It was wonderful. We got a group topless shot of our girls.

We then went to Vegas and we got rooms at the StarDust and had lots of fun. One girl won $2700 playing slots. We then went to Hollywood and Las Angeles and we got drunk and tried Thai food. Then we got drunk and went to the beach. Earl got arrested for shoving a hot dog cart off a pier. It was cool how many fish went into a feeding frenzy over the hot dogs.

We saw the guy that played Skippy on Family Ties and we got Bruce Willis' friends autograph. Then we got drunk and ate apples.

This trip was a lot of fun. It was until we caught a baby wolf at Yellowstone park and it turned mean on us. I can't wait for our next trip. I am letting a homeless family stay in the camper until may when I am taking a group to Washington DC. Maybe you can come.

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