Camp Oestrogen (Henlow Grange)

Member Name: Diaz

Product:	Henlow Grange
Date:	04/02/02 (1334 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Very nice pampering

Disadvantages: Expensive, female orientated

My kids are great; love them to bits, however taking care of them is can be bloody hard work. Which is why my wife decided we should go on a break, we packed the kids off to Grandmas and went to a health farm. Granted it wouldn’t have been my first choice and when I found out how much it cost I was all for packing the kids off and hiding in our house with the curtains drawn and a shopping trolley full of booze. I can’t remember how much it cost now, I know it doesn’t bode well for the op but the initial trauma must have blocked it from my mind. Needless to say it’s in the realms of “If you have to ask…..” Still my mind was settled a little by the fact we got a stay there for half price, a kind of buy one get one free offer. Of course I was the freeloader, not much different there then. The offer included a free massage for every night you stay there, for the person who pays non-transferable, this was of course the reason my wife went out of her way to book the stay herself….

So we packed up the car and drove for the first time in years without the children, the silence, the peace, the quiet. It was unnerving….

When we arrived the place looked lovely, a drive from the village of Henlow down a tree lined avenue, you know there’s going to be something special at the end of it. The building itself is very impressive Georgian Mansion set in over one hundred acres of Bedfordshire parkland by the River Hiz. There are two sections to the house, the old main house and a newer addition but the new section has been matched so sympathetically to the old building it’s very hard to tell.

So we hopped out of the car and it suddenly dawned on us we were in jeans and t-shirts. We knew the place had a dress code for evening diners of smart casual so we weren’t sure if we’d be thrown out for being badly dressed paupers before we even set foot in the place. We needn’
;t have worried too much about that, as the dress code when we got inside was remarkably casual. Not being used to the concept of health farms I was completely unprepared for the site of women wandering around in dressing gowns, the culture shock made my brain temporarily fuse.

Before anyone gets all excited at the thought of scantily clad women dressed in nothing but their frillies and a thick toweling gown I should remind you the reality of it all is far from the realms of fantasy. In exactly the way that you’d like to imagine all nudists are hard-bodied twenty-somethings but are more likely to be squidgy-bottomed middleagers with beer guts and cellulite, the people at Henlow Grange were real people. I’m not being uncharitable, frankly I’m no oil painting myself, but it was a shock to see middle aged women wandering around the reception in terry toweling.

Still I got over that admirably and barely batted an eyelid when I walked past the salons seeing hordes of women have their nails buffed at both ends of their body. However it was when I passed the studio class and peered in at a gaggle of Lycra clad butts bouncing around on what appeared to be big red moon hoppers that I had to bite my lip and run for the room. I’m sure gym instructors are Sadists, not content with driving the poor chubbies through their paces with shouts of encouragement they make them bounce around on the most ludicrous objects, depending on what happens to be in vogue. Not so long ago is was slide backwards and forwards in velour socks, before that were steppers and now it’s moon hoppers. The strange thing is they have these little feet on them to keep them stable and you are meant to roll backwards and forwards on your belly on them. The overall result makes them look like over-inflated udders.

So after running the gauntlet to the room we settled down and unpacked. The room was a large twin with plenty of space. It was equipp
ed with a power shower and bath, TV and tea making equipment. I did expect satellite on the TV but no such luck. It wasn’t overly luxuriant but as much as you’d expect from a standard hotel room. We went for a standard room; the superior rooms have balconies and other extras. The premier rooms are very flashy and all very individual.

There were also a range of lotions and potions in the bathroom, all the La Zouche in house brand. These although expected in any hotel are actually pretty nice, since each of the mini bottles was going for something like £4.50 in the Spa shop. Needless to say they were bagged at the end of our stay.

So settled in we prepared for our tour of the facilities, a lovely little old lady wandered round the site showing us what was on offer. In addition to the beauty salons and the fitness studio, which I’d already witnessed, there was a hair salon and some upright tanning booths (the sunbed equivalent of a microwave, very quick). On the fitness front there was a fully equipped gym and a 25m swimming pool with a Jacuzzi both the male and female changing rooms had saunas and steam rooms. Also throughout the complex there were various little galleries of celebrity photos and autographs. Pamela Anderson graced the walls with Chris Eubank, Westlife, Boyzone and Jamie Oliver, apparently Barbara Windsor had been in the week before (and she was “really down to earth”) There was also a gallery of golden oldies from the days when health farms looked more like Carry On movies, with all the women in black leotards and stockings. This gallery had Jimmy Saville and Bernie Winters pictured with a gaggle of appreciative girls, no idea why they were appreciative. There was also a series of Marty Feldman looning around in a fat suit; I’ve always had a soft spot for Marty Feldman.

It was slowly beginning to occur to me that aside from the gym instructor I hadn’t seen any men at all.
I was a prisoner at camp oestrogen!! Not giving things much thought is a pastime of mine, I can go for days without a single thought in my head, aside from the usual primitive urges; must eat, must pee, that kind of thing. So I hadn’t given things much thought about this health farm, I’d pictured it more as a glorified gym rather than a glorified beauty salon. The few men I did see were all attached to various women and spent most of their days either in the gym or the pool. With the exception of one young man who was busy having highlights put in, in the hair salon. I’m sure he must have been in a boyband of some sort but not keeping up with boybands is also a hobby of mine, I can go for weeks on end not keeping up with A1 or Westlife if I have to.

Now the most planning I’d managed to do leading up to this excursion was, I’ll go down the gym and swim a bit, to this end I’d booked in a sports massage. I figured if my wife got her free rub downs then I might as well have one, besides I’m so completely out of shape the chances are I’d need one just to put me back on my feet again after all my exertion. What I didn’t count on was getting a terrible case of sinusitis just before going so I was feeling pretty rough when I got there, no problem said my wife, you can have an aromatherapy massage to sort out your sinuses. So I booked in for a facial too.

Now I figured the sports massage would be a pretty manly affair and to be honest it was, my masseuse had a grip of steel considering she was a relatively slight woman. Of course I hadn’t been doing too much exercise since I was ill so it was largely unnecessary but that is beside the point, there is nothing wrong with having your body rubbed down with oil once in a while.

As for the facial I wasn’t so sure how manly that was. I felt even less manly lined up in the waiting room with around thirty women in their dressing g
owns, with me the only man there. The facial I had was by a company called Elemis, they specialize in aromatherapy and essential oils, which was the reason I’d asked for it in the first place. Still I was quite pleased when I saw the masseuse, a very attractive brunette. This wasn’t going to be that bad after all…..

I probably should have figured that there would be more than a slight influence of the new age in a company that specializes in essential oil therapy and there was. I’m a scientist by trade and I tend to be very skeptical about new age things, I’ll concede that essential oils do have certain properties but being told all about the eastern mysticism roots of the massage did make me smirk a little, I think I’d have enjoyed the whole experience a lot more if I’d have checked my brain out at the door.

So my facial began with…… a foot massage, of course. Still it was very nice and a bit difficult to not giggle as I was having my feet rubbed, of course I hadn’t counted on it and I’d turned up wearing well used gym socks so I did feel a little sorry for her.

Next the facial started for real I’m not sure what went on my face, I think the first lot was probably oil, I know it felt very, very nice. Then I got exfoliated (I think!!) lots more nice rubbing around but this time whatever went on came off again. There is a distinct disadvantage in having any kind of facial hair when it comes to this facial lark, although I’d had a shave that morning there was still a little stubble around my chops and so whatever cloths or cotton wool she used got caught up in my stubble, so by the end of the massage I looked like Father Christmas….. maybe not.

Then I had a couple of pads popped on my eyes and a cloth put over my head and I was left alone in the darkened room wondering weather or not the things on my eyes were tea bags and listening to some te
rrible ambient new age music being piped in. I’d much rather listen to some nice classical music than a Navaho whale playing panpipes in the jungle. After a while she came back in and wiped the gunk off my face again.

Next it was time for my “sensory journey” this involved her placing her hands all around my body from the top of my head right down to my toes…. It was all very innocent (by this point I was rather hoping it wouldn’t be) and although it felt a bit silly it was actually quite relaxing. Then to signify the end of journey she rang a bell, the trouble was what with the whale and his panpipes in the background I wasn’t sure if it was part of the sound track.

Now I might sound as if I’m being a bit cynical about this but I really enjoyed it. Though there is something to be said about having a beautiful woman rubbing oils into your face. I think I’d have been happy with just the oils and not the skin care though apparently my complexion looked very nice afterwards, I couldn’t see it myself…..

After all this we had our evening meal at the restaurant, the food was very nice indeed, though a little too healthy for my liking. And every meal is calorie counted, for those on diets. The potions are not particularly large though, since I had been swimming and had done a little light exercise in the gym I let it ride. But the following evening I did ask for extra veggies….

The following day I went down the gym again, it was very well equipped with a good range of cardio machines and weight machines, all computer controlled, very nifty. Meanwhile my wife had various massages and other such girlie things done, the ranges they have a La Zouche, Clarins, Elemis and a whole bunch of other stuff, to be honest I won’t pretend to understand it but she seemed to enjoy herself even having a flotation mud wrap. Who on earth thinks these things up I’ll n
ever know, probably the same person who thought up the inflatable udder workout.

The overall experience for me was very nice, even though I might sound a little cynical about it. The facilities are superb, though a little more geared to the female clients than the male. Which is hardly surprising really since I suspect most of its revenue comes from hen parties coming in for a days worth of pampering (there were plenty of them there). Still pampering is good and I’d recommend the experience to anyone, even if you are a bloke.

Summary: