Have a Fit.........Get Fit. (Bodi-Tek EMS Sports Elite 2)

Member Name: Muffin_the_Mule

Product:	Bodi-Tek EMS Sports Elite 2
Date:	28/08/01 (3455 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Be like SuperTed, Experimenting wildly

Disadvantages: Getting hit with a Chair by a good samaritan

I have a dream. I dream that one day, people will be able to see me from sideways-on.

That's what Martin Luther King's original speech said, before he changed it and went all intelligent. His more famous dream, that's his children's children will be able to play together etc., was a far more realistic target than the target I have set myself.
I have decided that I'm tired of looking like Flat Stanley.
I don't like being lowered down drains to retrieve costume jewellery.
Trouble is, unlike flat Stanley, I can't inflate myself with a hose pipe. I have to put some time and effort into going to the gym.

Time is no problem. Effort? well I just can't be bothered.
Plus there's that 'Gym Culture' thing that when you go, you never ever see anyone who actually NEEDS to be there. its always taught and toned women, bodybuilders, and the token Geoff Capes type, who looks really fat, until you see him lift a bus.

I always believed that I was destined to remain skinny.
I'm actually so skinny that children put torches behind me and stage Japanese shadow puppet shows through my body.
It's no life, really.

I'd begun to accept this life as a travelling child Palladium when I saw an advert in a magazine with catchy tag lines like "tone" and "flex"
Great I thought. Except I've got nothing to tone and the only thing I flex is my friend and yours, Mastercard.
Still, I'll take a look and see if they do ones with tags of "build" and "superman"

They didn't. Nor did the man in the shop seem to appreciate my question.

However. All is not lost.
On my travels, I caught glimpse of a product called "Bodi Tek Sports Pro" this product promises:

"The Bodi Tek allows you to tackle specific problem areas, strengthen muscles, or simply have a workout without the work. See the differe
nce in just 6 weeks."

Wonderful. It sold itself to me in 3 words. "Without the Work". I was also happy that it said I could tackle specific problem areas. I.e.: All of me.
So a purchase I did make.

For my £99.99, I got well, medical equipment. It looks a lot like a portable defribulator for pets. Feels like it too.
The version I bought consists of twelve body pads, one central control unit, several straps and belts, conductive gel, mains adapter, and the all important Travel bag. (it can work on batteries too)
The idea is, using EMS (Electronic Muscle Stimulation - AKA Powergen) the thing sends "a stream of tiny electronic pulses to your muscles"
In non-advertising blurb, this would actually read "Hooks you up to the national grid and jiggle your your innards"
I think now is an appropriate time to point out that the Bodi Tek is odd. Very odd.

My first foray into "working out without working" was on the night I'd bought it. I brought in a friend to share the experience with me, and to help me get wired up. The instruction book directs victim/patient to strap the elasticised belts around your body, and they almost mummified me, so no matter your girth, they'll easily surround you.

2 pads go on each abdominal muscle, if its the abs your working on, - (you can do pecs, biceps and triceps, bum, thighs - lots really. Don't put them on your face. That hurts and is discouraged by the disclaimer in the handbook. I looked like I had bells' palsy when my house guest held them to my chops) - and you're ready to fire up.

Next move is to slowly increase the intensity of the pulses, working up to a level that is taxing, but not painful.
Another word of warning, do not get all macho, or have masochist chums, who put the intensity to maximum immediately. I firstly head-butted my knees, then I rolled round flailing on the floor.

Passers b
y were saying :

"He's being electrocuted - I've seen Michael Buerk on 999 deal with this - Hit him with a chair"

It was scarily similar to the scene in the Simpsons where they all go for shock treatment, except I wasn't tied down.
You get the idea.
When I regained co-ordination, and could adjust the equaliser type slides to match the levels that I felt comfortable with, it wasn't actually too painful. I was only making the same sort of face as the woman who is doing her pelvic floor exercises at the bus-stop.
The next morning, I couldn't move without feeling sore. That means it's doing something healthy, doesn't it? Allegedly I have to give it a 6 week course before I really notice the results, but after only 1 week, I can go to the max, and I freak out less, so I'm improving.

Also on the main control panel is an LCD timer, for anything from 5 minute to 30 minute work outs, and you can select 2 different settings of workout (therapy or toning) Each has their own pulse and intensity to suit the user.
The Bodi Tek doesn't promise to build huge bulking great muscle, but to tone what you've got and can be used along side exercise. I am personally challenging that notion, and am determined to prove that wrong, by being a "control" in my own experiment and show that it actually can build muscle. I'm not bothering with the accompanying effort-causing exercise.

I don't recommend anyone else to do this. I'm a trained professional.

Other experiments I am currently working with, using the pads are as follows:

==============Be Like Rolf===================

resuscitate lifeless hamsters and act out scenes from Animal Hospital. And you can shout "Clear" whilst getting that miniature heart pulsing once more.

==============Foreplay eradicator.===========

Clearly this contraption was invented by a man.

The pulsing "therapy" option when set on very lightly could be used as a lady-pleaser, and due to the timer, the man can set it to finish at about half time. Thus avoiding arguments involving

"Left a bit"

"can i come back up yet?"

"its starting again soon" and so on.

In the interests of science, and equal opportunities, and because FrannyFortune said I had to, I tried it as a man-pleaser. This is not recommended, and it takes a bit of time to recover from.

Other lessons I have learned since buying the Bodi tek are, don't try to drink when you are doing your biceps, the drink will be on the wall and the glass will be on the floor.

Don't put the pads directly over the heart (this one, with hindsight, was kinda obvious). If you put the pads directly over your heart, it feels like your arteries are being pulled off.

Painful.

I have decided however, without testing, that if you suffer from constipation, position the pads carefully and this takes the effort out of straining.
Helpful.

You are not allowed to use EMS units:

Over New Scars

On Varicose Veins

Enlarged Moles

Over Recent injuries

If you Suffer from Heart Problems

If you are a diabetic

If you are Epileptic

If you have Multiple Sclerosis

If you are Pregnant.

Other than that, its perfectly safe.
You can even use it during menstruation. Useful info for us men that.
So far, I've not noticed any real muscle growth or improvement in tone. But I'm confident I will.
Eventually.

---------------------------------------------
**UPDATE ON EXPERIMENTS**

I found that since writing this, op, the Bodi Tek is rubbish at the following:

Cooking.
Eggs and Chicken were tried, but the pads won't even make a potatoes skin crispy. This experiment le
ft me feeling a touch fragile for a few days.

Weaponry.
The Bodi Tek will not deter burglars, even after you tell them it's a cattle prod.
With a plug.
This experiment was conducted in labratory conditions, as i haven't actually been burgled. I went to my local pub and conducted a survey. Got myself some new CD's too. He said that they weren't Hot, but they will be when the owner finds out they've gone.

General Cleaning.
Bodi Tek has no affect on dust. neither attracting nor dispelling it. nothing really.
This experiment was disappointing.

PC Repair.
You cannot revive a dead pc with bodi tek. We did all we could, but it didn't pull through. Mournful.

Summary: