Below is an email I penned to ASDA concerning their 'Stanley Snails' that I think sums up my feelings about them.

I am not 100% happy with a packet of 'Stanley Snail' sweets (on your 3 for £1 range).

Has the person who designed these otherwise delicious sweets ever even seen a snail?

The angle one looks at them from is completely unrealistic, giving the impression that the shell is more of a bobble hat hovering over the snail's head. It is inconceivable that the snail could fit in a shell so small. Why not do them side profile to more accurately render their anatomy?

However my main concern is with the eyes. The designer has included the snail's eye stalks yet has placed the eyes on the main body. The top of the stalks (where the eyes should be) being occupied by what looks like a pair of flashing lights.

I think if you are going to render the animal kingdom in soft, chewy gelatine it is your corporate responsibility to do it accurately. If I was trying to teach my children, if I had any, about snails with these delicious monstrosities they would be very confused when they came across a real snail outside. Then what would happen?

As it happens I will be without a job this winter, and would happily be employed as an animal-shape-sweet consultant, if you require it.

Thank you for your time.