A Grimm Tale (btopenworld.co.uk)

Member Name: Aspen

Product:	btopenworld.co.uk
Date:	22/11/01 (349 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Many, according to the advertising.

Disadvantages: Many, according to the experiences of the Teuchter* Aspen

* Not updated, just brought forward. In support of my anti-BT crusade.*


Once upon a time, in a land of big skies, howling winds, and unruly marauding Teuchters*, there lived an Aspen. This land was in deepest, darkest Scotland, and was known by few, other than intrepid oil entrepreneurs from some American village called Houston. It may even have been called Angelica Houston – the Aspen didn’t know, because the Aspen was a Teuchter, and therefore by definition knew nothing.

This Aspen discovered the internet, purely by accident, while finding a discarded computer during a nightly foray for potatoes.

He brought it home, and with the improvised use of some fencing wire, connected it to the dynamo on his pre-war bike. He tempted his geriatric Jack Russell with some left-over haggis, and she pedalled like f . . . a dog demented.

Before long, Aspen was addicted. But his next BT phone bill scared so much manure out of him his rhubarb grew to over fourteen feet.

Not being quite that fond of rhubarb, Aspen sought a cheaper alternative, and signed up with Claranet. Freephone connection evenings and weekends – great, ‘cos evenings and weekends were the times when Aspen could indulge in homemade parsnip wine, and try to communicate with like-minded people.

All lived happily for a while (not ever after – that only happens in fairy tales).

Then one day, Aspen had a difference of opinion with his bank. And suddenly, Aspen found he didn’t have a credit card any more, so couldn’t continue paying Claranet. Claranet, quite understandably, withdrew their service.

Now, we’ll gloss over the events irrelevant to this opinion, which include Aspen and the geriatric JR losing their home, and moving to the wilds of Caithness.

But we will, in the spirit of this tale, point out that Caithness is as far north as you can go on the mainland of deepest, darkest Scotl
and without getting your feet wet. Main roads here have passing places. Farmers here have 1950’s Fergies (no, not Sarah), whereas the equivalent Teuchters in Aberdeenshire have 1960’s Fordson Majors. Sorry, I realise less than two percent of readers will understand these agricultural references. But the two percent will understand big-time.


So Aspen, in his new abode, had to find a cheap way to communicate with his friends, and contribute again to dooyoo. Without a credit card.

Aspen poured another Glen Ord to stimulate the grey matter and wow! It came in a flash. (Sorry girls, blame the Glen Ord). BT!!!

Yes, of course! Use BT, and get it on the phone bill – by direct debit or even pay readies at the Post Office!

BTopenworld has an excellent marketing website. It directs you to Btsurftime or BTanytime – the former offering 6pm to 8am plus all weekend access for £14.99 per month, including line rental, and the latter offering 24/7 access for £19.99 per month including line rental.

Aspen tends to be out during the day, so Btsurftime seemed the best option.

Oops!

When Aspen signed up for this, he was told he also had to sign up to Btopenworld. At another £5.99 per month. But that was okay, ‘cos it would go on the phone bill too.

So Aspen did.

And Btopenworld took over his computer.

Aspen had other ISP’s up his sleeve, but found them suddenly inaccessible.

Aspen was advised that Btsurftime could take “up to” seven days to activate. And until it was activated, any connection via Btsurftime would be charged at normal BT rates. It is now 20 days since Aspen signed up with Btsurftime, and he has had no acknowledgement. So Aspen doesn’t know if he is connected for free right now, or is paying through the nose.

Furthermore, Aspen can no longer connect via any other server, ‘cos when he tries to do so, big
brother BT cuts in and tells him he is subscribed to Btopenworld.

So he tries to connect via Btopenworld, not knowing if he is paying for the connection or not. And what does he get?

(Yes, sad ol’ Aspen has been keeping the statistics.)

Seven times out of ten, cannot find server.

Of the remaining three/ten, “verifying name and password” hogs the screen for a few moments, then two out of three responses is “the computer you are connecting to cannot verify your username and password”.

On the one from ten remaining chances, Aspen is damned lucky if he remains online for three minutes (actually, ‘cos he’s keeping the stats for a battle about to commence, the average is 3 minutes 32 seconds), and then he gets disconnected.


God alone knows when this opinion will be posted. It may spend many, many days in the inept cyberworld of BT.

Obviously, I am writing this in Word, and waiting for a opportunity to send it. Which may take some time.



And every fable has a moral.

And the moral of this fable is – ermm . . . . sorry, Aspen doesn’t know

But Aspen, in the dilemma of not knowing, warns everyone to only dine with BT with a very long spoon.

Fifers will understand.


Future experiences will be logged, and this opinion updated accordingly.



NB *Teuchter.

Teuchter is a derogatory term once used by Lowland Scots to describe Highland Scots. More recently it has become a term used (equally derogatorily) by “town” Scots to describe “country” Scots. Sadly for the “town” Scots, it has backfired, because some of us take great pride in being Teuchters. As far as Aspen is concerned, it is a token of respect.


PS. I wrote this in Word, then tried to log on via BTopenworld. It has taken me God knows how many attempts, but ONE HOUR AND FOUR
TEEN MINUTES to establish a connection to upload this opinion.

I don't know if BT sponsor dooyoo; and I don't know if crowns are awarded for sucking up to sponsors.

I don't know anything. I'm a teuchter.


But in the Hans Christian Andersen or Brothers Grimm world of fables, we all live happily ever after.


PPS. Ignore the aforesaid. It has taken me another FIFTY-TWO MINUTES to establish another connection to upload this edit (two tiny mistakes).

This opinion, in all its dooyoo glory, will now be copied and pasted into an email to BTopenworld Customer Services.

Which like all good fairy tales, probably doesn't exist.



PPS - THIRTY-SEVEN MINUTES later, I have discovered another minor grammatical error. I am not going to correct it. I could die while waiting for the connection which would allow me to do it. If you spot it, keep it to yourself. Don't email me. It could take me a month and a half to respond.




















© Mike Clark 2001

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