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Monkey Peter's guide to the fringe
Edinburgh Festival Fringe
Member Name: pert_abacus
Edinburgh Festival Fringe
Advantages: A good fest
Disadvantages: Too much running
For a while now the senior partner in my accountancy and assassination firm has begged me to let him loose on dooyoo. Up until now his inability to type (due to lack of arms following the cigarette machine fiasco of '93) has held him back but this morning I foolishly allowed him to make me a cuppa and he won't give me the antidote to whatever it was he slipped in unless I type this out for him.
So please don't blame me but here's Monkey Peter's review of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2009:
Edinburgh. It's in Scotland which is like England but more north and has men who wear skirts and women who wear trousers and allegedly they toss cabers up there but if you ask one of the women in trousers up there if she will toss your caber for a fiver you get punched.
In summer month of August they do good festival here. They don't play the football so well or speak too proper but they know how to arrange a good festival.
Anyway this year me and Vinegar Jenny we go to festival and we have much fun. There be many many strangely dressed freaks who walk the city street and they say 'come see my show' and you say 'ok' and they give you piece of paper with writin and stuff on it and you say'is this your show?' and they say 'yes' and they tell you about their show how it has music or shouting or funny bits in and when they walk away you throw the piece of paper on floor and walk away til you meet next freak who want to talk at you.
There is also many people standing on boxes and screechin and singin and hurtin your head and wearing clothes that ARE TOO LOUD and when you want to get away from all the NOISE and WEIRD WEIRD people you go to pub but even here men and women or people who you don't know if man or woman stand up and try to make everyone laugh and you have to stand up and shout 'shut up I am trying to drink' and then they try to mock you. No-one mocks Monkey Peter so you stop them, you stop them hard, and then you have to run from Police people and it like at start of Trainspotting, you run and you run and you run.
And everywher is so many people and so much colour and so much noise and so you find someone who will sell you ticket to go sit in a 'venue' and if it daytime the venue is not too crowded and as long as you can zone out and focus your thoughts you can ignore the strange people who come out on the stage and do very strange things involving balloons.
After dark when you have had chance to finally drink your daily alcohol allowance it all start to make more sense and you can go to venue and instead of strange people playing with balloons you can see singer or funny folk or play (which is like a true story but made up) or dancin. Vinegar Jenny she like dancin, we went and saw African men dance and we saw students dance and we saw Malcolm McClaren but he did not dance.
We also see magical man who can guess what card you pick from a pack. Nice man but we don't know what he do when not at festival as how often do you need to pay man to tell you what card you have. Why not just look yourself?
We see man who blow BIG bubbles and make shapes and stuff but I fall asleep and miss best bit.
We got new tattoo, mine is of duck, vinegar Jenny's is private, but if you have £20 she might show you.
If you go festival this year you too late as it's over but they probably do it again next year. DON'T make the mistakes I made:
1) If you single man and smell of beer don't go to shows that have interactive bits for children. I go Magic Porridge Pot and am only man there on own. It funny and kids have fun but when I laugh and smile at kids I get shouted at by woman with kid and she shout and shout and they stop play and they get abusive and no-one gets abusive with Monkey Peter so I make them stop. Hard. And then it like Trainspotting and I run and run and run.
2) If you go see play that says it have nudity you have to keep your own clothes on. If not you have to see police again and then it gets like Trainspotting and you have to run and run and run.
3) If your ladyfriend makes you go to feminist show where women stand with their boobs out you not allowed to leer and when it finishes you not allowed to stand up and shout 'I applaud your tits' or else your ladyfriend will stop any night time business for you.
4) The little boxy stages on the golden mile are for performers and men who dress like ladies. You not allowed to use as car boot stall. If you try you find it like trainspotting and you have to run and run and run.
5) If you manage to set up your own show on street you not allowed to expose your tackle. At least not more than once. In front of Police Woman.
That my guide to Edinburgh Fringe Festival. There were other bits but I am not a memory man but I enjoyed, I didn't hit too many women or children or goats and very few men. The tortoise I will apologise for once the angry mob disperses.
Top shows this year: Paul Merton Improv Chums, the woman who did her show from in a house, the one man show about the Holocaust (though not many laughs), the comedy about staging a comedy show, the private dance Vinegar Jenny did, Room on the Broom, the snack van comedy routine, the kiddie performers who dressed as crabs and walked the streets and the blonde named Eric who only charged me £8.
Go Edinburgh it good.
Summary: Funny, loud, cheap Eric, run, run run
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