The Futur Is Not Bright (Parc du Futuroscope)

Member Name: dan_the_turbanat

Product:	Parc du Futuroscope
Date:	01/09/08 (89 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Dance With Robots is a awesome, good location, buildings are pretty

Disadvantages: No variety, stupidly busy, expensive, easy to get lost, not a 'proper' theme park

Before I begin my 'rant'/review of Futuroscope, I would like to point out to all people going who think because the French did Disneyland so well in Paris that their second most renowned 'theme park' is just as much a success. Because in my opinion, it isn't.

Futuroscope isn't really a theme park, in the sense that your not going there to experience white-knuckle rides, or any rides in fact. To be brutally honest, Futuroscope is really a glorified multiplex cinema, because every attraction involves some kind of screen. If you're prone to 'square eyes', then I wouldn't bother with this place. As i was saying, this park is full of screens, whether it be Imax, Imax 3-D, Imax 3-D with a simulator, the list of screens goes on.
Firstly we come to getting there, and to be honest, it's one of the plus points. Its literally 30 seconds off the main motorway A10, and is pretty much slap-bang in the middle of France. It has it's own TGV station so it's easily accessible from Paris (although you'd be mad to give up the sights of Paris for this). Once you arrive at the car park, your wallet will slowly let out a small groan when you notice the parking costs. 10 Euros. And you don't even get a man to show you where to park like you do at Disney, which is asking for arguments about who gets the last spot in a particular area.

The asking price is pretty steep also. It's 33 Euros for adults, which is quite high considering there is actually only 3 'proper rides'. And being English, the rides weren't going to make much sense, so we had to get translating devices. Unfortuantely you will need to leave passport or driving license as a deposit, which again seems steep considering the devices feel like they were made by the cheapest bidder. All of this hanging around at the entrance meant that the queues were building up fast, and because all the rides...I mean 'attractions' are very similar, there isn't one ride that has a short or long queue, so it makes getting on things very difficult.
The first ride we headed for was 'The Future Is Wild', because 1) it was new and 2) I had seen billboards all the way from Calais to Poitiers advertising this ride. It was called a 'revolutionary experience', and so I thought a theme park branding itself on being 'futureproof', this attraction must be pretty special. After queuing up for 30mins, I was disappointed, no, I was astounded at how bad it was. The translating device didn't work so I was just scratching my head at what exactly the hell was going on. Basically, you sit on a train as it goes round to different scenes. The goggles you have to put on project a really shoddy CGI creature onto the scenery and you have a small glove which 'interacts' with the 1980's animation i.e. feeding a dinosaur with some 'meat'. It was catastrophically bad, and to be honest, it wouldn't have looked out of place in the Disneyland's original Tommorowland (yep, that's waaay back in 1955). Not exactly what I'd call a blistering start.

By the time we'd finished with 'Wild', pretty much every queue was an hour. The park had only been open for half an hour and I was already pissed off at the quality of one ride. We queued up for another half an hour for Travellers By Air and by Sea which was basically a nature program on a fancy screen. When I say fancy, I mean a giant Imax screen in front of you and a giant Imax screen below you (the floor was glass), and trust me, this experience really wasn't as impressive as it sounds. Plus the translator device still wasn't working so I was tempted the throw it at something. Unfortunately, they had my Dad's driving license, so it would have meant staying at Stephen Hawking's favourite theme park for even longer than I had planned. I thought wisely and decided to keep it in my pocket.
Then we got lost. The map isn't at all clear and there are so many paths going to the same location, it was very confusing. This was the last thing we wanted to do when it was 38 degrees centigrade. We discovered 'Mystery of the Nile' which was a documentary about explorers traversing down the Nile River. Finally, the translator device began to work, despite being barely audible over the Imax's 100ft speakers. As I sat there wondering if any of the stupidly annoying crew were going to get eaten by Nile Crocodiles, i remembered I was meant to be at a theme park, not a National Geographic screening room. Who in their right mind would pay this money to watch documentaries? The chairs didn't move, there were no 4-D effects and I sat there bored as hell. It just keeps getting better.

After the misery that was Race For Atlantis (a simulator, mixed with shocking 3-D, mixed with a shockingly poor and old Imax screen all combined to make one big pile of sh*t) we headed for Dance With Robots. Essentially you sit on a robotic arm and it 'dances' in time with some disco songs (e.g. Staying Alive by The Beegees). Each song has 3 different levels of movement with 1 being fairly tame, and 3 being shaken like Bond's Martini. I was not in the mood for any more half-arsed rubbish, so I went for the full-blown level 3. It was 2 minutes of upside downs, spins and massive G's that no roller coaster could ever emulate. I loved every moment of it and wondered why every other ride couldn't be the same in this shambolic park.
Next ride was a 'brand new' ride called Lapland Express. For any of you who have been on Wild Arctic in the SeaWorld parks, its essentially the same idea, but done really badly. All of the footage was on fast-forward and it kept cutting to random segments. The simulator itself was wildly overpowered, with some moments i was holding on for dear life. The idea of a simulator is that it's meant to simulate real life. And when in real life do snowmobiles travel at 345mph? I was reaching the point where I might simulate a rapid exit...

...which was exactly what I did. Quickly got some snaps of fancy buildings and headed for the door. Exchanged the 'translating' devices for a driving license, and escaped from possibly one of the worst days out in France I'd ever had. If your idea of a theme park is Imax screen after Imax screen and getting a hangover-style headache after the second ride, then be my guest a pay 33 Euros to stand in queues all day watching out-of-date documentaries. I however, will not be joining you and advise you to do the same.

Summary: Complete and utter waste of time and valuable vinyard space