An Insider Spills The Beans (London Zoo)

Member Name: hellyphant

Product:	London Zoo
Date:	28/06/02 (1431 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Wide range of animals, well worth the entrance fee, lots for children, a fun day out

Disadvantages: No longer any elephants, some of the enclosures could be a little bigger, can be quite sad

Humans are strange creatures. The little ones come to our zoo screeching in excitement, ooohing and aaaahing, pointing and staring. The big ones take photos (even though they're not meant to), and look in our eyes knowingly, as though they truly believe they know what we're thinking. Oh, it makes me laugh. If only they knew!

Without meaning to blow my own trumpet (to borrow a phrase from the elephants), I can understand why humans think us animals are so fascinating. We are all exquisitely beautiful for a start. Us giraffes especially; slender, elegant and sophisticated - a mosaic of honey browns - and large, doleful eyes that humans (and, in my case, every female giraffe on the planet), simply drown in.

Humans on the other hand, with their fur-less, dull mono-tone skin and clumsy, awkward movements - well, let's just say if the boot was on the other foot, none of us lot would be seen dead pointing and staring at a boring human bean, oohing and aaahing and taking photo after photo for our album collection. God, we'd have much better things to do with our time.

Ok, personal rant over and now to the point at hand. A few days ago I was approached by a lovely young lady (Oh, she should have been born an animal, what an insult to her beauty and intellect putting her in the human race), and she told me (in giraffe language, obviously, which very few humans are capable of learning) all about this wonderful opinion website called dooyoo.

"Why don't you write an opinion on London zoo?" she said, oh so intelligently.

"Why not indeed", I thought, as I dreamt of fame and fortune, and of at long last receiving worldwide recognition for something other than simply being tall.

After much conversing, and gazing, and yearning, the lovely lady left. I shed a tear. Then quickly and furiously set to work. And here is what I came up with...

Finding me...

London Zoo is situa
ted next to Regents Park, a very beautiful, well-cultivated piece of greenery that I often long to trample through. Every day, I cast my splendid eye down the pathways that weave their way through the park, and I see hoards of families with pushchairs, and funny toddling creatures, and humans who come from far far away, from places I have only dreamt of, like Japan and Italy and even South Africa - all making their way to the zoo to admire me and my friends.

I notice that there are several underground stations nearby. Regents Park and Camden being the closest. But you poor humans will have to toddle and crawl (and skip and jump for the more excited amongst you) for some 15 -20 minutes, as we don't have a station on our doorstep. Thank the lord. All that noise and pollution isn't good for us animals. For more precise directions, you may wish to examine the map on our website - www.londonzoo.co.uk

Entering my kingdom...

The first thing you will notice as you step through the gates are the crowds. Especially on Saturdays and during School Holidays. So if you're not a child, and you can skive the odd day off work, then please do. (and don't be afraid of your boss finding out, I'm bigger than him remember!) You will enjoy the zoo so much more if you don't have to fight to see things. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you go to the zoo to see animals, not a mass of human legs and pushchair wheels.

Now being a giraffe, I unfortunately stand out like a sore, albeit stunningly beautiful, thumb and would have a very hard job sneaking my way to the front of any queue. But some humans are small enough to thread and weave, and voila...find themselves next in line to be served. Hurrah.


Tickets are fairly expensive (but us animals are more than worth it)

Adult: £11
Child (3-15): £8
Under 3?s: Free
Students/OAPs: £9.30

Tickets may also be purchased via our website - www.lo
ndonzoo.co.uk (which isn?t too wonderful, I'm told, as several of the links are inactivated, and empty 'soon to be updated' pages may well leave you sighing in frustration). You may find it easier to simply ring the animal hotline on 020 7449 6228/6262.

You are able to come and admire us every day of the year, bar Christmas day when we will be having our own private celebration -no humans invited.

10 - 4.00 Winter (Nov - Feb)
10 - 5.30 Summer (March - Oct)

You may wish to purchase a guidebook for £3 (expensive again, but full of interesting information, and you'll find a gorgeous picture of yours truly in there to pin up on your wall next to Brad Pitt). There's also a very useful map inside, enabling you to plan your day with the kind of skill and finesse any giraffe would be proud of. You wouldn't want to miss the Monkey Talk at 2, or Owl Feeding Time at 4 (oooh, dead mice at the ready!)

Following the green brick road...

Don't worry too much if you can't afford the guidebook. Those kind humans who work at London Zoo have very kindly (and cleverly, I must admit) designed a route around the zoo which enables you to see everything without double crossing yourself and wasting time and energy. All you need do is follow the green footsteps painted on the ground, and all your troubles will be solved. Although I have noticed that some human beans think they know better and ignore the recommended route. Don't fall into that trap. Do you think us animals enjoy listening to endless echoes of frustrated sighs, moans and screams of "mummyyyyyyy, why do we keep ending up here, by the child eating snakes. I want to see the monkeys. Wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhh" etc.

Introducing my friends...

I don't know where to start. I have so many... Well, to be honest, not all of them are exactly my friends. Giraffes are herbivores you know, (that's vegetarian for all you un
educated humans), and as such, we are unfortunately often preyed upon by carnivores (meat eaters). Still, that's just nature, and I'm quite safe here in my enclosure, happy to observe and admire the beauty and intelligence of a most splendid kingdom of animals. From lions and tigers and bears (oh my!), to snakes, alligators and poisonous frogs. Ponies, sheep and pigs to bongos, camels and reindeer. With the odd cockroach and penguin thrown in for good measure, and a fair few others I have failed to mention in fear of boring you with long lists. (Full details on website)

Starting with the best...

Big isn't always best, but in my humble opinion, and from what I have gathered from the majority of visiting humans, the LIONS, TIGERS and BEARS are amongst the most popular animals at London Zoo.

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you how beautiful lions and tigers are; their colouring vibrant, their markings exquisite, and their eyes gleaming with immense intelligence and power.

I often see humans gazing at them in awe, rummaging furiously in their bags for cameras. By all means feel free to take pictures at a reasonable distance, but please do not stick a camera right up close, so that the flash and the click make the poor animals squint. When humans have the cheek and downright rudeness to do this, I always wish away the barrier separating human from animal, and rejoice in the image of human self-righteousness being ripped to pieces in the blink of an eye.

The enclosures for these animals are of a reasonable size, to enable room to explore, and if necessary, to hide from prying eyes. There isn't too much room to run however, (at least not very far) and obviously there is little excitement in the way of planning, stalking, pouncing and devouring a tasty morsel of, say zebra, at dinner time. The lions are particularly lazy, it has to be said, although it could just be that they're bored. They spend
their days either prowling back and forth right up close to the glass barrier, glaring hungrily at the humans, or lazing in the sun, sprawled out luxuriously on the grass.

The bear's enclosure is larger, which is great for the bear, but frustrating for you humans, as it is often very difficult to spot him amongst the many large rocks. If you are patient however, and wait quietly, you may be lucky.

Another very popular animal is the MONKEY. Sometimes it can be very dull being a giraffe; spending all day human watching is most yawnsome. If it wasn't for those monkeys and the hours of fun and entertainment they provide, well, I would probably sink to my knobbly knees in utter boredom and despair (never a good thing for us giraffes to do) There are numerous monkeys at London zoo - from the smallest monkey in the world (the Saki Monkey) - to the larger than life, hairy, floppy, and very very funny ape.

The humans seem to spend more time gawping at the monkeys than any other animals in the whole zoo. And the monkeys just love the attention. They play their part to perfection, swinging from branch to branch, playing, pulling faces, and mimicking the humans to a tee (something I, and the other animals find particularly amusing!)

On the whole, the monkeys seem pretty happy. A great deal of effort has been made to ensure these playful and excitable animals have as much entertainment as possible in their enclosures. The chimps for instance, have a fairly large living space, which is filled with various ropes, tyres and climbing frames, similar, I am told, to a children's adventure playground.


Now unfortunately, I am only able to see into outside enclosures, and as many animals at the zoo live inside, I have had to ask my lovely lady friend to very kindly dictate the following few paragraphs to me, based on her own experiences. Naturally, I improved upon the style and had to spend many hours correcting her gramma
r and so forth, but I think the outcome is rather acceptable.

For me, SNAKES are the most fascinating (and frightening) creatures in the Reptiles and Amphibians House. Some snakes are tiny and curled up, sweet and innocent looking. Others are huge, fat and hissing with shifty eyes and darting tongues. Even though they're behind glass panels, the snakes never fail to send a tingly shudder down my spine.

Every animal in London Zoo has a plaque dedicated to it, which provides various information such as natural habitat, food preferences, and general characteristics. The snakes have particularly fascinating plaques, and children have been known to silently scream in terror upon learning the truth about these creatures. For example, the fact that a boa constrictor likes to eat cows, horses, and even humans, particularly tasty little children.

I've seen many a parent actually lie about what's written on these cards for fear of giving poor little diddums nightmares for years to come. Although quite evilly, I always think, even if the children are too young to read, a lovely picture accompanies the words, showing a boa constrictor with its mouth wide open, swallowing a cow whole. Pleasant!

Did you know that 97% of the world's animals are invertebrates (animals with no backbone)? Quite fascinating that! London Zoo houses the world's largerst conservation for the captive breeding of endangered invertebrates. Very impressive if you're into that kind of thing. Which I'm not. To be honest, I tend to avoid the Invertebrates House altogether.

The very thought of a Black Widow or a scorpion or cockroach makes my skin crawl, and I can't understand why anyone would spend time with these creatures through choice. On the rare occasion I have whizzed through, I've seen people sticking their tongues out at Black Widows (in a "ner ner, you can't get me" kind of way); I've seen children
looking in terror, running away to hide, and then coming back for more, and intellectuals peering through their glasses in utter fascination. Like my friend the Giraffe continually stresses, us humans really are very strange creatures.

Speaking of the Giraffe, it's over to him now for a very exciting revelation...

*****
My claim to fame - the day "HARRY POTTER WAS 'ERE"

Yes, it's true. The very wonderful HARRY POTTER came to our humble abode for the filming of his blockbuster movie. I'm sure you've all seen the film, (I've personally heard ALL about it, several hundred times from various humans) so I'm not going to go into details here, but remember the bit where Harry goes to the zoo with the horrible Dursleys, and helps one of the snakes to escape? Well, that zoo wasn't just a cardboard cut out creation, it was actually our very own London Zoo. And if you make your way to the reptile and amphibian section, you can stand in the exact spot Harry Potter stood. You can also read all about Harry's visit to the zoo and a behind the scenes account of the snake scene and how it was all put together. All very fascinating stuff - especially for those Harry obsessed youngsters.

Yawning (and not liking so much)...

...the vast number of BIRDS at London Zoo. I find them rather boring and would much rather see a few kangaroos or koala bears (animals we don't actually have here at present).

Of course, I accept that some birds are very pretty, and the few that can actually say Pretty Polly are rather clever (<cough>, yes, geniuses all of them), but they're so small and fluttery, their beaks and claws sharp and pointed, and their eyes beady and devious looking. Imagine if a whole flock landed on your head, tore at your skin, and then ripped your eyeballs out. Hmmmm, anyway...

Many of the birds (the SACRED IBIS being the most impressive) live in a large aviar
y, which the humans walk through, while the birds fly free over their heads (<shudder>). The architectural design of the enclosure has been quite widely acclaimed in London, and even though I don't particularly like the birds inside it, I can appreciate good architecture when I see it. The enclosure is made from wire netting. It is very large, and consists of numerous corners and points where birds can happily perch and look down on the world (well, on the zoo anyway)

Then there are your birds of prey such as COCKATOOS AND HAWKS, and your WATERBIRDS AND CRANES. The PENGUINS are a personal favourite; funny, plodding little creatures. Every day, usually around lunchtime, one of the zoo keepers will emerge with a bucket of fish to feed them with. This always seems to be very popular with the humans, especially the children, as large crowds gather round to watch the penguins gulp down their fish.

The day the elephants packed their trunks...

The elephants, Mya, Layang Layang and Dilberta used to be the highlight of London Zoo. They provided endless entertainment, with the much loved and immensely popular 'elephant bathtime' drawing in huge masses of crowds.

Unfortunately, very very unfortunately, they are no longer with us.

You may have heard the very sad story of what happened almost a year ago now, when one of our elephant keepers was tragically killed by an elephant, in what we can only presume was a horrendous accident. It was an awful day, and I felt both for the poor keeper's family and also for the elephant. Anyway, after this tragic incident, all three elephants were swiftly removed from the zoo. They now live in Wipsnade zoo in Bedfordshire, where I hear they are very happy.

There is a small notice informing visiting humans of this situation, but it is very small, so as not to alarm children or cause any unnecessary upset.

And for the little humans...

Well, for starter
s, there's the Harry Potter section in the Reptiles and Amphibians House. There's also a pretty decent children's playground slap bang in the centre of the zoo, and on occasion, when the weather is good, a bouncy castle can be found close to the donut stand in the central square.

However, the obvious highlight for the little humans has to be the specially designed CHILDREN'S ZOO.

If little diddums is screaming in terror after being shown the boa constrictor, or if he/she/it is whining with weariness and being a general, all round annoying little brat, the Children's Zoo will provide temporary relief for the both of you. Here, you will find all the familiar farmyard animals - SHEEP, PIGS, HENS, DUCKS, RABBITS & GOATS. Children are able to touch and stroke the sheep and goats as they wander freely in the farmyard paddock. Now I personally shudder at the thought of being poked, prodded and even stroked by a human - but sheep don't seem to mind that much, so feel free to go for it (so to speak).

If you lose your child, don't stress. Harry Potter hasn't helped the boa constrictor escape and sent it in the direction of darling diddums. There is a Lost Children area in the centre of the zoo, and he/she/it will probably be there, screaming and wailing. (Sorry about all this negativity towards children, I just don?t like the things)

When there's a rumble in your tummy...

...you'll want to head towards the main square, where you will find an array (well, several) refreshment outlets. None of them are particularly great - the food is not of an amazing quality, and it is very expensive. Your best bet is to either head to the donut stand, (I'm told they're delicious!), or to bring your own picnic.

You will also find, by the central fountain, a first aid point, a rather tacky gift shop, and an information kiosk (several more of which are scattered at various points around t
he zoo).

On the whole, staff are very friendly and helpful. Although I do think it would be a good idea to have more members of staff situated at various points around the zoo so they could keep an eye on the odd pesky human. Those who insist on banging on cage windows, taking close up photos, sticking fingers through bars, and making unnecessary noise in quiet areas such as the Nocturnal Mammals House. Pesky humans really are most annoying.


The end of a long, long day and my final thoughts...

I know some humans don't agree with zoos, with us animals being taken from our natural environment and 'locked up'. I mean, of course we'd rather be in the wild where we belong, but it isn't really that simple. In the wild, we are threatened by a large number of factors, from habitat destruction and fragmentation, to hunting and illegal pet trade. Very sadly, it is only a matter of time before certain species become completely extinct.

Although the situation is not entirely ideal, London Zoo is protecting us from harm and saving certain species from dying out.

And the Zoo isn't really *that* bad a place to live. It's undergone vast improvements over the last decade to ensure us animals are as happy and as comfortable as possible.

In my opinion, they're doing a pretty good job here. Although I really would like to be set loose in Regents Park - just for an hour or two....


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*~*~Translated into the language of the human bean by that lovely young lady, hellyphant ~*~*

Thank you for your time (oh, and hello Geoffreygiraffe my friend!)

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