“Where shall we go for a holiday?” asked my girlfriend.
“Let’s go somewhere to learn how to sail or let’s go skiing,” I said.
Scouring the internet and visiting and revisiting tons of travel agents turned up nothing in a reasonable price range. Eventually, we turned to teletext and my better half came up with the idea of a cruise.
Now, I always thought that cruises were a break for people in their twilight years of retirement (in other words a break from a break) and so I made my opinion known vociferously. Unfortunately, I was taken in by the line “well, it’s a kind of sailing,” and parted with the cash. And so we went … on the Thomson’s Fortunate Isles Cruise.

THE JOURNEY
Luckily, our outbound Britannia flight was from nearby Cardiff Airport and, therefore, very convenient. We’ve all been on enough short haul flights to know about lack of legroom and tasteless reheated food, so I won’t go on about that – in fact it wouldn’t be a holiday without it! We landed in good time at Tenerife Airport (estimated flight time 4 hours – actually about 3.5 hours) and were swiftly herded off the plane, through customs and into a chaotic bazaar of people. The usual problems awaited – couples hogging space at the luggage carousel, children screaming and smokers inconsiderately spewing their noxious vapours over you.

It was then off to find the transfer coach. The Thomson’s reps were less than helpful. I do appreciate that they have a difficult job to do, but don’t we all, and remember, the customer is supposed to always be right. 15 minutes after finding the correct coach, we set off and within an hour we had reached the port of Santa Cruz, and our ship, The Topaz. So far so bad …

ARRIVING AT THE BOAT
The Topaz was commissioned in 1955 and is one of the oldest cruise ships still serving duty at sea. The ship looked r
esplendent in gleaming white in the rapidly dimming light. We collected our suitcases from the belly of the coach and boarded using the gangway to the 4th deck. Unfortunately, the boarding process was slowed considerably as obligatory photographs were taken; these would be displayed later in the week in the photo gallery and made available for purchase.

We were led through a maze of corridors to the information centre on deck 6 where we would collect our welcome packs (which included a credit card sized pass card for each passenger in the group to enable ease of identification for disembarking and boarding at various stops) and be taken to our cabins. This process was quite painless as the ship was cool and welcome drinks were made available immediately. Within 10 minutes of arriving at our cabin, our luggage had been carried in and our maid had made herself known to us, saying, “If you need anything, please call me.”

THE CABIN
Our cabin was actually large enough for four people. There were fold-up bunk beds above the two fixed single beds. A TV, two built-in wardrobes, a chest of drawers, sink and medicine cabinet with mirror, 110V continental plug socket, en-suite toilet and shower. Unfortunately, our cabin was an internal one with no portholes and therefore no reference point to the outside world. This is disadvantageous, as in rough weather, any nausea and disorientation is exacerbated, and also it is impossible to tell what time of day it is. Other cabins at the sides of the ship had portholes, but tended to be more expensive. The cabins were cleaned 3 times a day and consequently were very tidy indeed!

Generally speaking, the ship’s décor was quite tacky with colours from a bad painter’s palette; just imagine: a melange of black, cream, red striping, pink with gold flashing and blue carpeting. However, the place was always tidy with constant cleaning going on so no complaints there, except for the damage t
o my retinas!

The service was impeccable from most members of staff, who work for nine months of the year, before going back home to their families in the Ukraine, Eastern Europe, the Far East and India. Most were well dressed in tidy uniforms, very pleasant and always willing to help.

I’ve given a run down of most of the services and facilities available on board below …

EATING
1. YACHT CLUB – buffet service, 24 hours a day at the yacht club with 6 menus a day and a huge choice on each menu. A little bit cafeteria, but at least with such an informal place, you didn’t have to dress up.

2. THE TOPAZ DINING ROOM – three menus a day, breakfast, lunch and dinner. A more formal eatery with silver service and waiters singing snatches of Nessun Dorma to cringing victims who just happened to be born that day! Plenty of variety and vegetarian and light options.

DRINKING
1. HEMMINGWAY’S PIANO BAR – open from mid morning until around midnight or even a little later (the rules seemed quite relaxed!). With plenty of free alcoholic and non-alcoholic cocktails, beer, wine and coffees available free (remember – this is all-inclusive)! In the evenings, a pianist played contemporary and classical tunes in a jazzy manner with flair and gusto – Richard Clayderman, eat your heart out!

2. SUNSHINE BAR – At the top of the ship, if the weather was fine, Derek and others served free drinks from 8 or 9 am until midnight. You could sit at the bar and watch the sunbathers or stare out at the sights of the day’s port or out to the ocean when at sea. Every day, there was a pub quiz with small prizes for the winning team – but the same guy went home with the T-shirt each day: makes you wonder!

3. SPORTS BAR – a disco and bar in the night and just drinks in the day, again all drinks and cocktails were free. Big TV screens showed videos all day.
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OTHER FACILITIES ON BOARD
1. SHIP DOCTOR – a visit to the doctor in the infirmary for whatever reason would cost £32 (or £37 for the doctor to visit your cabin), plus the costs of any medicines purchased.

2. INFORMATION CENTRE – this was open 24 hours a day but not always manned, with leaflets and magazines available to tell you about the next port of call. A daily ship news paper was passed under the door of each cabin every night to give more information about the next day’s events on board and ashore.

3. RECEPTION – this was open in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. The most useful function they served for me was giving out free sea-sickness tablets with a warning not to drink alcohol after taking them!

4. CASINO – while at sea, the casino was open. Minimum bets at the tables, £1, maximum: a tenner. Games available included blackjack & roulette. There were about 30 token-operated one-armed bandit machines off to one side and I made a bit of cash on these! The casino also had the facility to change money and took visa and switch on a 2.5% commission basis.

5. BROADWAY SHOW LOUNGE – the Captain’s cocktail party and various shows were held here. We didn’t see any of the shows but a number of people we spoke to said they the shows were very entertaining.

6. CINEMA – a few showings each day of quite recent movies, although not right bang up to the minute!

7. WINDJAMMER LOUNGE – this was more for the older people aboard. Serving teas and coffees and with 11 o’clock biscuit breaks, for the more gently minded, various crafts and other pastimes were demonstrated throughout the day. Example: food carving and line dancing (though not at the same time)!

8. CHILDRENS & TEEN CLUB – entertainment for kids. I don’t really know what they got up to, but it was all supervised and I suppose very useful for parents who wa
nt the kids safely out of the way for a couple of hours of peace every day!

9. JACUZZI & POOLS – the Jacuzzi and 2 pools (children and adult) were open whenever we were docked and at sea as long as the weather was calm. The pools were icy cold and very small (not big enough to do a few lengths), but very refreshing for a quick dip after a hard day’s sunbathing! The Jacuzzi was heated and constantly bubbling but always full of kids although the warnings to parents to not allow children under 16 years in were clearly nailed to the side of the pool and to the walls of the sundeck. This was rather annoying. The pools were unsupervised and clear warnings were present to say as much, however, when the pools were emptied each night, netting was used to cover them and prevent stray intoxicated guests diving into concrete!

10. GYM & FITNESS SUITE – small but fairly well equipped with running, cycling and weights machines as one could expect aboard a budget cruise ship. As the average age of cruisers is relatively high, the younger guests should find no problem using the suite as it is usually pretty deserted!

11. IRONING ROOM – don’t bother to bring an iron – there’s a small cabin available for passenger’s use.

12. HAIRDRESSER – we didn’t use this service so I can’t comment on the quality of the service, but it is available.

STOPS
1. Funchal, Madeira – a very beautiful island. If it’s good enough for Madonna, it’s good enough for me. Highlights – dry (non-moving) land after a day at sea in roughish weather, cable car to the top of the overlooking mountains and a ride down the slope in a man-powered basket, beautiful marina with yachts of various sizes, fragrant gardens and dramatic views into the bay.
2. Agadir, Morocco – uncivilised, third world country, bizarre bazaars and poor quality guided tours (courtesy of Hasan, a sexist
, racist, misogynist monoglot with aspirations to be a guide!). Highlights – dry (solid) land after a day and a half at sea in roughish weather, discovering a brand new all-pervading smell in the port, hearing about local bathing rituals prior to praying, men in the souk hurling thinly veiled racist insults at us Brits while themselves spooning a foul stew into their mouths using their hands from a plate lying on the floor 12 inches from the nearest open sewer. I really wouldn’t bother getting off the boat to visit this filthy country – you’ll need a hot shower the minute you get back on board! Hey – that’s just my opinion, take it or leave it.
3. Lanzarote – at last back to reality and civilisation!
4. Las Palmas, Gran Canaria – the best place on the entire cruise! I thought I would get a real bargain in the superb shops here. Unfortunately, it was not to be! Arriving the day before Good Friday in a highly religious country means that you won’t find a single retail outlet open! The coffee shops and restaurants were, though and a nice day was punctuated by a visit to the marina. A flush traveller may want to line the coffers of Thomson’s Travel Group and take an overpriced tour of the island. I really wouldn’t bother to spend all the cash, as you can do it yourself a lot cheaper – buses cost pennies. I’ve been before and the places to visit are Playa las Anglaise (great shopping - sorry about the spelling!), Puerto Mogan (superb little marina and restaurants – full of rich people and with a local market a couple of days a week), Puerto Rico (a great resort to stay in with superb restaurants and marina – they’ve even got Sunseeker and Fairline sales offices). Apparently, the north of the island and the interior are superb, but I’ve never been.
5. Santa Cruz, Tenerife – we didn’t really get off to explore this port town, but I imagine it would
hold adventures for some people.


DISADVANTAGES
Weight gain, seasickness while you’re at sea, land sickness when you’re ashore, children using adult facilities on the sun bridge (Jacuzzi & adult pool), mixing with the hoi polloi (you do meet some nice people, too)!

CONCLUSION
I don’t think I’ll do it again until I’ve got my free bus pass. I would recommend it to my mum & dad, families, the elderly and groups of late teen and twenty-something girls who like foreign waiters (there’s plenty on board). Honeymooners would also enjoy it, although perhaps a bigger, newer glitzier ship would be more to their liking. For an all-inclusive package on a budget you can’t beat it – but if you’re active enough to breathe for yourself without the aid of a machine and you can generate a heartbeat by yourself without the aid of a pacemaker, try sailing or skiing.