"This is the Railroad, to Hell..." (Railways in general)

Member Name: SpankMarvin

Product:	Railways in general
Date:	23/07/01 (96 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: The tube (sometimes), Can be useful

Disadvantages: Expensive, Dirty, Unreliable

Haven’t written an opinion for a little while, because I’ve been doing things, such as going to the lovely Leighton Buzzard to see a university friend. This trip has given me a good reason to write about the incredible train service.

That is, incredibly bad. Now, don’t get me wrong, I actually quite like going on trains to get somewhere so long as they’re not too crowded, and I have some music and a book to keep me occupied. In this case, the train was essential, as the evening ahead looked like becoming something of a boozy night, and I didn’t want to drive a scooter home to Windsor the morning after with a stinking hangover. So, I was prepared to pay the £16 it cost for a return from Windsor to Leighton Buzzard, even though this still seems a tad expensive. A two hour journey via London Euston with two changes.

The times, to be fair, were actually pretty accurate. Sure enough, I was at my destination at the estimated time. However, considering the money the ticket cost, the customer service and the general facilities available were shoddy to say the least. I was hardly expecting complimentary champers or an all-inclusive body massage from a Swedish Railtrack rep (and yes, I have thought about this for a while), but I did expect toilets for a start.

I had, unfortunately, had a little to drink before the journey. So approximately 20 minutes after my departure from Windsor, I was already pretty desperate for a wee, knowing that I had another 25 minutes until I was at Vauxhall. So I scouted the length of the train for toilets. Not one, on a length of track which takes a little less than an hour. True enough, I could have got off at a station, but this would have meant missing the train and all my subsequent changes, and I wouldn’t wait for 30 minutes in Putney if you paid me. So I crossed my legs. Needless to say, this was the only time that Vauxhall has ever looked welcoming to the human eye
, and I skipped off the train, a little miffed at the lack of toilet on the train but nevertheless happy that my misery was coming to an end.

Again, no toilets. So I went to the tube station, and no toilets there, but a member of staff told me that there were toilets at the British Rail station. So, I went back there and enquired. Definitely no toilets, the tube man had lied to me, and was now my sworn enemy. Not too many stops to Euston on the tube, but by now I am a desperate man. The story changes to present tense as the pressure mounts. I start to sweat, wondering what people are going to think of a man who urinates himself. I start looking at prospective urinals – bins, drains, maybe that small boy’s wellies. But I decide to attempt to hold on, even though I am practically resigned to the fact that I will not hold out. Anyway, there were eventually toilets at Euston, but it took me ages to get the change to pay for the privilege of using them.

Now, this may seem like something of a trivial story, but I was totally unimpressed, first of all with how difficult it was to find a toilet, and secondly how unhelpful people seem to be when their job is to help their customers. Paying this much for a ticket should mean that you receive a bare minimum, principally a (ahem) safe, reliable and comfortable journey. Well, we all know about Railtrack’s impressively bad safety record, and their reliability. But to charge people this sort of money and not even give them a toilet is ridiculous. Incidentally on the way back, there was a toilet on the first train. It didn’t flush, it stank, and the tap didn’t work, which meant that the dead dryer made no difference. The rest of the train followed the tradition, looking and smelling like a rubbish dump. The staff look like they would rather be doing anything than working where they are. Indeed, I think most of them would rather be doing nothing, which is what they wer
e doing when I needed assistance and they looked pretty annoyed that I had interrupted them.

I know this seems like an old rant about something fairly unimportant, and I’m really not the sort to complain unless something really is poor, and Britain’s rail service is POOP – sorry, POOR. I feel bitter that their ‘service’ costs so much, when the money goes not towards safety or maintenance, but pay rises for their top bosses.

There is no short description for how I feel about British railways which I can put in this opinion and not offend in the process. I don’t know how the government are going to get people off the roads when this is the alternative – a service which I am never impressed with, EVER. The only saving grace for the rail system is the underground, which can be very efficient, although this too needs more maintenance.

Oh, why not moan a bit more while I’m at it? I go to university in Egham, about half an hour’s train journey from London. In Egham, there is nothing to do. A nightclub consists of turning off the lights, opening and closing the fridge and playing loud music from a stereo. It would be nice if the trains ran back to Egham from London at any time after 11:30pm, because at the moment the only choice is to go home early or sleep in terminal 2 of Heathrow airport. I thank you.

Summary: