Sitting Sweatily Squeezed Next To A Gorilla Can Give You An Achy Bottom (National Express)

Member Name: Sexy Kay

Product:	National Express
Date:	28/08/02 (1109 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: 1200 destinations

Disadvantages: The seats

It was as if a gun had gone off. The coach came into view and the grey brigade charged forward dragging their cases like chariots behind them. A very large lady, red faced by her efforts, made the gold medal position. Others rapidly huddled round her, hoping that perhaps she was now too exhausted to make it first up the coach steps.

"'Old on, 'old on", snapped one of the drivers, "Yer can't get on 'till I've seen yer tickets". His brow seemed hot with frustration and there were a few grunts and groans from the mingling haggle as they tried to squeeze furtively forward another inch.

I looked on in amazement wondering if I'd made the right decision to go to Cornwall by National Express. I had a few days off work and, as my boyfriend had to attend a week long seminar, I decided to go on my own to Cornwall and stay with friends.

I watched the boarding struggle with amusement and, when it was nearly over, made my way forward.

"Put yer case on first, luv, down there."

After doing as instructed I climbed onto the coach. There were plenty of seats so I slumped down next to a window ready for my journey. I was beginning to wish I'd taken my car instead, but it had seemed a good idea to go by coach. Let them take the strain I had reasoned, and the return fare of £40, for London Heathrow to Cornwall, didn't seem over the top - when compared with how much my petrol would have cost.

Once we were chugging along on the M4 and heading westward I had a look around the coach. There were quite a few empty seats but no more pick up points. This meant I had the luxury of a double seat to myself which I was quite pleased about. The actual seats, however, were none too comfortable. They felt much too narrow (no, my bum ain't that big) and appeared to slope downward at the front, making it difficult to stop my (normal sized) rear end from constantly slippi
ng forwards. Eventually I succumbed and put my feet up on the empty seat and read my book.

Our first stop was supposed to be Plymouth but, after about two or three hours, the coach pulled into a Motorway service station for a change of driver and an 'unofficial fifteen minute cigarette break'. It was nice to get off the coach for a few minutes and massage my bottom. I had a chat with a lovely older couple who told me that they travelled a lot by coach and had National Express 'Advantage 50 Discount Cards'. These, they said, had saved them £16 on the price of their combined tickets. It appears that the cards (for the over 50's) cost £9 for one year, or £19 for three, and offer hefty savings on regular fares.

Since then I have learned that there are also discount cards on offer for under 25's and students. There is a yearly Family Coachcard as well, costing £15, whereby up to two children can travel for free. I guess if you don't mind having an aching bottom, and are likely to travel by National Express regularly, these cards are worth considering. By my calculations, with a trip like mine, you would be in profit after your first journey. They can also be used on Flightlink, Jetlink and Express Shuttle journeys.

All in all my journey to Cornwall was okay. We got there on schedule, the coach was cool and it was only really the seats that niggled me a bit but, oh dear ...

The return journey was awful, diabolical, hot, uncomfortable, poorly organised and this time niggled me a lot.

I had a great few days in Cornwall and my friends dropped me at St.Austell station to catch my 10.55 a.m. coach back to Heathrow. There didn't appear to be many people about so I wasn't expecting any scrummage to get on, and didn't envisage any problems. The National Express, number 504, arrived on time followed by a yellow, older looking coach.

I made my way over to the 504 and waite
d as the two drivers ignored everyone and had a loud discussion, with the one driver of the yellow coach. He kept repeating over and over like some sort of mantra, "There's no way I'm goin' into Victoria." For those that may not know, Victoria is the main coach station in central London. The conversation went on and on until eventually I, and others going to Heathrow, were 'ordered' onto the yellow coach.

I now know that at busy times National Express borrow/hire coaches from other firms. Things, therefore, don't always live up to their brochures where they write, 'Our modern high-tech coaches have comfortable reclining seats and panoramic windows for the best possible views'. I certainly wouldn't describe this as accurate with regard to the yellow coach. Quite frankly it appeared clapped out, and proved to be so by crawling up any hills, and no way was it comfortable.

I sat towards the front and the driver let loose his feelings to any passengers within earshot: No way was he going into Victoria as he had lodgings at Heston for the night ... this coach needed replacing but his boss wouldn't listen to him ... it had very high mileage ... there was just him to drive all the way to London as National Express won't pay his firm enough for two drivers ... the journey would be hot as the air conditioning wasn't very effective etc. etc. I wasn't very happy with his attitude or the coach.

I had a double seat to myself again until we reached Plymouth. Here bedlam broke out! There were dozens and dozens of people scrambling to get on coaches for London and there seemed to be a complete lack of any organisation. Eventually a woman, in a fluorescent jacket, tried shouting to the waiting passengers as to who should go on which coach. Our driver shouted to her, "There's no way I'm goin' into Victoria." After a while a bloke in a tie crawled out of the wo
odwork and called across at him that he had to go to Victoria as there were passengers booked to go there. He then quickly scuttled back to wherever it was that he had come from. I thought the driver would burst a blood vessel but instead he sulkily crept back onto the coach like a scalded puppy.

By now I was beginning to see the funny side of it all and told myself to just relax and watch it all play out like some TV comedy. This was fine until a large gorilla plonked himself down next to me. My knees were already touching the seat in front but once this bloke grunted and spread his chunky legs, as they tend to do, I felt definitely hemmed in, with very little leg room, and uncomfortable. There was no middle arm rest so we were almost cheek to cheek. Now this could sometimes be amusing - but not with some pop bellied monster reeking of eau de BO.

The driver was certainly right about the cooling system. The coach was sweltering, as it was a sunny day, and my shirt became quite damp - obviously with delicate, fragrant perspiration and not smelly sweat. But as for the gorilla - phew! Not so delicate.

Fortunately the driver took it into his head to stop twice at motorway service stations, once for half an hour and the other time for fifteen minutes. This was welcome relief. Once out of the coach the driver held court and spouted to anyone who would listen a list of his grievances. He said he didn't really want to go into Victoria! I left them to it and sat under a shady tree with a cold drink.

I won't go into any more detail about the journey but will just say I was mighty pleased when I finally reached Heathrow at 5.40 p.m - late, of course. If this trip had been my only experience of National Express I know I'd never have wanted to travel with them again.

Perhaps I was just unlucky with my return journey. It seems a shame because National Express, in theory, looks excellent. They have daily s
cheduled coaches to over 1200 towns and cities in the UK - alphabetically stretching from Aberdeen to Worthing. The fares are reasonable and the coaches look okay from the outside. They all have an on board toilet and washroom facilities and a seat is reserved when you make your booking (that's for the coach not the loo!) Smoking is not allowed.

But, as for their claim of having 'comfortable reclining seats', this is far from accurate - in my experience. I've been more comfortable on planes.

To sum up, I'd say that if you are on your own, or don't have a car, National Express offer reasonable fares for journeys covering most of the country. So this can't be bad - just remember to take some soothing oil with which to massage your bottom afterwards.

- Kay

P.S. Okay, here's some anorak stuff.

Where to buy tickets & get more info:
www.gobycoach.com
Tel 08705 80 80 80
Any National Express Office
Coach & Bus Station Ticket Offices
From some Travel Agents

Wheelchair/disabled users info:
Tel 0121 455 0086

Written enquiries etc:
Customer Relations
National Express Ltd
PO Box 8026
Birmingham B5 6ED

Luggage:
2 medium sized suitcases and 1 piece of hand luggage totalling 20kg allowed per person.

Children:
One child, under five, and not occupying a seat, free.
Special children rates for over 5's.

Can't do on coach:
Smoke
Drink alcohol
Consume hot food
or
Get comfortable

Summary: