That is how one of the bosses of the channel described it. Does it have these three qualities; does it have any good qualities? Well let’s see…

Sex - by this he probably means the usual Friday night soft-porn flick; or the soft porn series ‘Red Show Diary’s’. Whatever he means, its hardly sex. No terrestrial British TV station is allowed to show ‘proper’ sex; it’s only channel 5 that regularly show even soft porn. Channel 4 and even the BBC show some nudity, but it is normally in context, maybe in an arty film or documentary. Channel 5 do show soft porn on a regular basis so I suppose, yes, channel 5 is about sex.

Films – All TV stations have films, its whether they are good or not that matters. I think I have only seen about 6 good films on channel 5 since it was started. The BBC, itv and maybe even channel 4 have has a greater number of good films on than channel 5. Considering channel 5 claims they are about films they aren’t doing too well. They claim to have a good film every Tuesday night, defiantly not the case. They have a film every Tuesday night, but they are not normally good. Normally it is a film I have never heard of before which gets about 2 stars in the TV guide. Occasionally they do have some good films; such as ‘Con Air’. But it is not very often, about once every two months. So they have films, but normally they aren’t worth watching.

Footie – This is a complete joke if I’ve ever heard one. The only matches I’ve seen on channel 5 are – occasional England match and some European cup matches. Normally these would be enjoyable football matches. But somehow channel 5 just seems to ruin them. The commentators are awful, they don’t know what they are talking about, and make numerous mistakes. They misjudge the match, making predictions that never actually happen. Finally they are unprofessional, I ha
ve heard talking in the background, mumbling and coughing. Does any of that happen on any of the other channels? Maybe occasionally, but nowhere near as much as this channel. The worst bit about the football on channel 5 is the half time reports. It is normally done in a big room, full of fans and other busy workers. So when some bimbo (who knows absolutely nothing about football I may add) is trying to give a match report (which is obviously written by someone else), it is ridiculous. The number of screaming fans, and constantly hum of office life make it impossible to make out what she was saying.

Do they have anything else? Well they have Family Affairs, I have never watched this personally; it sounds like your stand run-of-the-mill soap, similar neighbours. They have recently purchased Home & Away; I have never watched this either, but its soap. They tried to rip of ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ with a program called ‘Greed’, I would watch that again if I were paid. There are numerous other programs on channel 5, most of which are rejects from other channels.

Some parts of the country don’t receive channel 5, I consider these people to be the lucky people - they don’t have an extra channel to check what is on TV. They rarely have anything that is worth watching – and if they do, they mess it up. Pity I can’t give it 0 stars.