PORN, PORN, PORN, PORN! And the newsreaders stand up and everything. (Five)

Member Name: Boonoiy

Product:	Five
Date:	12/04/02 (1083 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Now and again there's something worth watching, Been good over Christmas

Disadvantages: All other times

Whether you're thinking of the incredible Monty Python "Spam" song or the equally great Skol adverts, you've not got a better way of getting something over than repeating it 4 times in capital letters!

Channel 5 is, was, and shall be for all time, thought of as the dirty-film and tacky docusoaps (I caught the end of "Escort Girls a little while ago - hmmmmmmm) channel. This has some justification as they are the one channel to go mad for the filthy side of life. Yep, they even had an advert which said "Even Channel 5 couldn't make that sound dirty" so they are willing to mock themselves - can never be a bad thing.

So on we go.

Way back when (I can't really accept that it's been around for 5 whole years now) it all began we all had high hopes for C5, a lot of new stuff was going to be broadcast and yes, they were going to show mucky films for us lads - cue the great big grins all round. We all thought it would be great and eagerly anticipated the first broadcasts.

Welcome to the North!

Yep, it's grim all right. On the day it all started I was back in the old town, Whitby-by-the-Sea and low and behold - no signal! Not the most promising of starts - "sorry for the lack of channel - you live in a valley" hmmmm, cheers.

So, there you go, we can't all get C5.

Back in London and I had my chance and duelty tuned in my 14 inch portable in my Halls of Residence and settled in for a night in front of the telly. Needless to say I was not impressed and have not been since that auspicious day.

I think I'll break this down into sections now, see if I can get my thoughts marshalled into some kind of workable order:

News Coverage:
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Every hour, on the hour - whether you are watching a film or a 2 hour documentary on the way of life in Thailand brothels you will get a break for the news and hav
e your
annoyance at the advert break augmented (well it is Friday, always an excuse for big words) by the arrival of the news that you have already seen 3 times already with absolutely no change from the script whatsoever!

On the positive side, you get Kirsty Young and some good looking Weather girl (sorry - casual sexism makes for a more interesting read eh? No? Whoops) and the newsreaders are professional and STANDING UP! Wow, innovative.

All in all the news is not bad (except when it's bad news, but even then it is still good, except for it bein.....I think I've gone cross-eyed) - well researched and well presented, informed opinion and the usual bit of banter at the end of the show, a little wink as we're told of the local zoo's panda erection problem (breeding and impoptence rather than a problem in erecting a panda).

Soaps:
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The BBC have Eastenders, ITV has Corrie and Emmerdale and Channel 4 has Brookie, what do we get on C5? Bloody Family Affairs and Home and Away - terrible, poorly acted and written and a perfect excuse to turn the channel over for the rest of the day on a Sunday - Family affairs for 2.5 hours followed by Home and Away for another 2.5 AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

The soaps are not my choice of viewing but will obviously appeal to some.

Films:
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Well, here's a thing, they can be good! We've had a run of some decent films lately, some of the Batman ones, Armageddon was there and even Mrs Doubtfire over Easter, we have some rubbish (which channel doesn't?) and some mediocre films on but there is a good mix.

Filth:
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This is the drawing point for many of the viewers I'm sure. I'm male and don't like porn (find me a polygraph quick) but can't deny the occasional fascination with the filth on C5.

We get the films, the documentaries and the seemingly meaningless shows which are just boobs
b
ouncing for our entertainment (of the "Eurotrash" ilk). They are all within the ITC bouundaries and there is none of the hardcore action films or, ahem, "Split-Beaver" shots. (I really wouldn't know how to otherwise describe it, sorry).

Fun and games but on a budget, never the highest quality but OK for what it is.

Sport:
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Late night speedway and foreign footy matches, that's about it!

Overall:
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Well there's not a lot to draw me to C5, an occasional good film, an adequate news coverage (which is also available on all other channels and the radio) and some dodgy soaps. The addition of a 5 in a circle in the top-left of the screen is not appealing at all and I will not be reccomending that you tune in.

Fun - sometimes, childish - often, annoying - continuously.

Not a lot of fun - watch at your discretion.

Summary: