BATTLE OF THE BOOBS (I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here
Date:	26/01/04 (714 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Hee...entertaining

Disadvantages: It may take over your life

Well, it?s that time of year again when celebrities from all over exclaim ?I?m a celebrity get me?.in here as I need the money!? With Ant & Dec, no doubt booked into a posh Oz hotel for the next fortnight, an unlikely mix of ex-footballers, big-breasted ladies and Royal reporters vie for first place to become the King or Queen of the jungle. Needless to say, this is TV at it?s most compelling whilst operating at the lowest possible common denominator.

Battle of the sex kittens falls to Kerry McFadden and Jordan, both renowned for their substantial assets. KMf is a former member of Atomic Kitten whilst Jordan is the serial slapper (of faces?he he) best known for her monthly subscription to the breast enlargement clinic. Jordan reportedly asked for more than double the going rate (£100K+) although suggestions are that she settled for £50,000 in the end to do the show (as opposed to do other people). The other Celebes were up in arms although not enough to stop Jordan from being the only person to travel first class with her bucket?sorry....in her lack of bucket seat.

Quite frankly, I?ve never heard of Lord Brockett. Apparently, he has a criminal record longer than the Blackwall tunnel but, like posh people in general, he will probably appear inoffensive and charming whilst slipping what wallets are on show. Taking the Wayne Sleep slot, you can only guess as to his motives for appearing.

John Lydon has risked losing all that late 70?s and 80?s anarchic credibility by popping up in the voyeurs paradise. He says he doing for charity but Virgin Records have ordered masses of copies of Never Mind the B*llocks as the former Punkster attempts to spark a Noughties renaissance in avante garde punk/New Wave. Possibly the most bizarre of the contestants, one can only look forward to his educated exchanges with the slightly crooked Lord.

Jenny Bond appears desperate to generate forward orders of her forthcoming book although news readers and
weather girls haven?t faired well in previous series. Surely too well-spoken to appeal to a down to earth British public, JB has to be one of the favourites for an early flight home (and a nice brandy and hot shower)

Peter Andre has aged since his warbling pop renditions in sunny seas, six-pack prominent in his latest pop video. At the opposite end of the music spectrum to the infamous Mr Rotten (Johnny Lydon), if he is looking to resurrect another few years in pop then this seems unlikely given his previous tepid efforts at making an impression on the music public. Surely our Cypriot-Australian friend is simply making up the numbers?

Diane Mohdal has never recovered from the doping scandal that blighted her athletics careers. Wanting to put the record straight, she?s another that little is known about so it will be interesting to see how she fairs. At least if there are any dangerous animals on the outrageously rigged sets, she should be fast enough to outrun 'em (assuming no Night Nurse has been smuggled in)

Frank Carson never even had a chance to say ?It?s the way I tell ?em? before the show?s insurers pulled the plug on the Irish comic?s attempts to board a plane. With the threat of a possible heart attack proving too much of a financial risk, he was replaced at the last minute by be-spectacled DJ ? Mike Reid. Probably most famous for banning Frankie Goes to Hollywood?s ?Relax?, thus guaranteeing it number one spot for several weeks, MR must not be confused with Eastender?s comic geezer of the same name, affectionately remembered by people of my age for the kid?s show ?Run Around? Tony Blackburn and his omnipresent wooden logs proved that the show can provide fresh impetus to an ailing career so Alan Partridge figures like MR may well be guaranteed a spot in all future shows.

Alex Best is only really known from her marriage to the heavy drinking George Best, former Stretford End favourite who just can?t say no?too just a
bout anything it seems.

Last but not least is the Soccer AM sponsored Neil ?Razor? Ruddock. Harder than Vinny Jones in a flight lounge, Razor is one of the early favourites to win for having the same down to earth characteristics of previous winners such as Phil Tufnell (known as Tuffers in cricketing circles). A self-declared fan of Jordan, he has said that he is looking forward to spending some time in the bush *ahem*

What else is there to know? Well, the winner gets £75000 and a never ending supply of work and advertising deal for years to come (see sofa loving Linda Barker and the pot smoking Tuffers) whilst others simply slip back into obscurity (see Love Rat, Darren Day)

The first week is made up with the Celebes sitting around trying not to get too bored whilst the public phone and text at premium rates to select a victim to do the Bush Tucker trial. Depending on the whims of the, at times, cruel voters, one of the gang get to do an ordeal that will determine how much food they get that night. It may include crawling through a tunnel infested with rats whilst wearing a muffin on their head or eating the local bugs with full frontal shots of the wriggling larvae just crying to be chewed in half.

The second week progesses to a daily vote that will mean an early exit for one star a day until only one remains as the winner. Of course, Ant and Dec milk the announcements in the same way that they torture their tearful victims on Pop Idol, safe in the knowledge that a meal together with a Newkie Brun await them back at the Queensland Hilton.

Eeeeeeeeeek, I can?t believe I know so much about this show but I will almost certainly watch as?erm?my 11-year-old daughter loves it *blush*

Thanks for reading

Marandina

I?m a Celebrity features on ITV1 and ITV2 for the next 2 weeks. The main show starts at 9pm and finishes at 10.30pm.

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