THE FINAL UPDATE: Well, it all came to a head with the widely predicted Brian Dowling being the winner of BB2.

Surprisingly to me, Helen beat Dean in the popularity stakes - some people must love having their ear drums blown to pieces with high pitched shrieks - but unsurprisingly Dean beat Liz.

This is being written after a two week break from here and the subject, but two main players in the BB household are still drawing media attention with front page appearances frequently on the more gutter of the tabloids.

I DID care about the love affair between Helen and Paul in the house, but I don't now. I don't particularly care whether they get it on or not, or whether it fizzles out along with the other star-crossed relationships of the previously mentioned Torvill and Dean, McCarthy and Morrell, or indeed Fergie and Andrew. I wish they'd pick up on something else.

Bubble apparently is still blubbing, but this time it's for his old anonymous life. Dean is rumoured to be playing at the V2001 gig. Helen will have a slot on GMTV. Most of the others have made disasterous radio appearances for Virgin, and the clips of their finest worst moments are replayed by other DJ's for the amusement of the nation (although more for themselves, I suspect).

Brian had said that he wanted to go back to his old job, but companies are still battling for his tv services. The job of comparing a show would seem a natural progression, although I'd personally prefer to see him teamed up alongside Graham Norton for some outrageously camp bitching and commentary.

Whatever the outcome for all of the contestants, I'd like to thank them for still providing me with some occassionally excellent entertainment, and the chance to irrationally hate the odd complete stranger.

Here's looking forward to BB3 and all who fail with her...

UPDATE Jluy 21st. Paul's gone. Helen's depressed. Liz's stil
l boring.

Paul's eviction went quite smoothly, but only because Big G wasn't there. The relief was palpable, but not as much as the shock of seeing the headlines in the papers and the scenes we'd all been watching over the past weeks. He was gobsmacked. Double gobsmacked even.

They showed a remarkable clip where he fiddled with his hair an (psychiatrist's dream) inordinate amount of times. 259 times in 5 minutes in fact. Pfft..mad.

At the moment the housemates are having a bit of a heart to heart about the nominations. This has undoubtedly been brought on by the lifting of the guilt surrounding the voting, but Liz feels bad about the things that she'd said about Paul during her chats in the chair. She'd been consistent. Brian admitted he had to. Dean virtually crowed that he hadn't, but we know it has a hollow ring to it.

Anyhow. The next set of votes are to nominate the WINNER. Don't vote to evict, this time your nomination is to be for the person you want to actually win the show.

Gotta be Brian.

With timing worse than Helen & Paul, I had managed to book our holiday dates without realising it co-incided with something I would be so engrossed in, and so this will be my last update. I'll get to see it, but any followers of this op will have to wait until at least Sunday to read the final conclusion.

So for now, Cheers for reading, have fun without me and West Ham for the cup.

Up the Hammers!

UPDATE July 17th. Worse than the rumours on the love lives of Torvill Dean, McCarthy & Morrell or Fergie & Andrew, the speculation of just when Paul & Helen will actually do IT is bringing the BB fans to their knees. So far we've had lots of deep discussion (which for some bizarre reason, Helen actually thinks is spoken in code) about potential relationships, the imminent disposal of existing relationships (whoops!) and general sexual innuendo. It's all g
etting SO frustrating.

Tonight, some of you may have seen Helen and Paul at the end of a 3 hour session on their Jack Jones in the den, having a really snoggy cuddle under the blankets. The only bits that appeared to be being nuzzled were the neck areas, but he managed to get his leg over her, and she sat up rearranging her top so it was a good job they separated before the fire sprinklers came on.

The nominations were announced to the housemates today, and... <a redundant roll on the drums>... it's Paul & Helen in a <cough> head to head.

Brian voted for Paul & Helen
Dean voted for Paul & Helen
Liz voted for Paul & Helen
Helen voted for Liz & Dean
Paul voted for Brian & Liz.

Brian's been feeling a bit emotional today. He's homesick, fed up and probably a good dollop of guilt is adding to it all. Being the "gooseberry" he's played the role of having a casting vote on the nominations. Poor lamb. Little does he know how much he is loved, and the other poor bastards don't stand a snowball's chance in hell anyway.

I regretfully have to announce the death of Princess Layer, the white chicken that Liz had thought looked unwell. Apparently it's a nasty virus, which although can't be given to humans, could have infected the other birds. The vet thinks it's unlikely that any of the others are suffering, but is prescribing medication just to be on the safe side. Phew! I can sleep at night again.

Watch out for Liz's graceful skipping when it comes to the task tomorrow. Double Dutch is difficult, but bless her she didn't pack much style into it.

That's it now as far as the nominations are concerned. So Paul or Helen? It's up to you. <Whispering & Hissing> Helen. Helen. Make it Helen....

UPDATE July 14th. Ding dong the bitch is gone. No, I'm talking about Josh, silly! Brian is subconsciously behaving like he's had a
bad tooth pulled out. I think a really cheerful trolly dolly is about to emerge.

The eviction went pretty uneventfully really, with him saying some respectfully restrained things until it came to Josh seeing Paul's reasons for nominating him, y'know the bit, where he called him slimey. Josh took exception to this and called him Stupid. Hooray. The claws are out. But it's still not enough to make me dash out and buy a tabloid for the revelations.

It just goes to show what a load of old softies us Brits are. 86% voted for Josh, just to ensure that the sickly romance between Paul and Helen gets to hang around for another week.

Big G put us all oout of our misery by announcing that he wouldn't be turning up for the eviction as he doesn't wash his dirty laundry in public, and he doesn't see how the relationship can continue after the events of the week just gone. Nice one. He gets to dump her, even though BB are now playing the clips of when Helen first went into the house and she said then that it was an on/off sort of deal. I don't know how the poor sod got a look in anyway considering the amount of hours she apparently works. Just goes to show - the devil works with idle hands.

So, who will be next? I'm going to stick my neck out and predict who is going to pick whom ...<ahem>... I think Brian will vote for Helen and Paul, Liz will vote for Helen and Paul, Dean will vote for Helen and Paul, Helen will vote for Brian and Dean, and Paul will vote for Brian and Liz.

And then the cruel hatchet job on their blossoming relationship will fall to the public. And it just might go to .......... <I've always wanted to do the Davina silence>...................... Helen.

UPDATE July 13th. Phew! Cor! Wot A Scorcher! Those would have been the headlines in the gutter-loving tabloids, had BB's plan to trigger off romance taken place. The housemates were offered a special dinner as a tr
eat for completing their task (with 2 seconds to spare) of the drum kit obstacle course.

The invitation to dinner came with conditions. The group was to split into couples. The pair in the den, one pair in the girls bedroom and the others on the patio area. It's not difficult to suss out who paired off with whom, so yes, Josh & Brian, Dean & Liz, Paul & Helen.

The latter couple came the closest to moral danger, although Josh put in a few verbal bombshells of his own with Brian. And surprisingly Dean and Liz got onto the subject of sex, although in a more intellectual way.... BORING!

This is a bit of an aside, but the American version of BB has kicked off in a dramatic fashion. One of the guys has been evicted from the house for holding a knife to the throat of one of the female housemates. 3 hours of psychiatric counselling and the guy was packed up and shipped out.

Give me our genteely steaming version any day of the week!

Eviction day tomorrow, so don't let me down people. Josh out! Josh out! Josh out!

UPDATE July 12th. Silly me forgot to tell you who nominated whom.

Brian voted for Paul and Josh
Dean voted for Helen and Josh
Liz voted for Paul and Helen
Helen voted for Dean and Josh
Josh voted for Brian and Helen
Paul voted for Brian and Josh

At the time of writing this, Paul and Helen are ensconsed in the Den and dissecting the other housemates. Verbally not physically. It's all very cosy and romantic, and I'm sure that the others think that they're going to get up to something 'evil', but I don't think so. They're too self-conscious. I think they just enjoy the extended foreplay of flirting, and comforting each other with drip fed compliments.

Brian went into the den at one point, and when Paul and Helen left to get themselves some refreshments before heading back in (Helen had asked Brian to sleep out in the den with her and
Paul, but I can't see that happening), he began a onesided conversation with a camera. He was asking it to nod in answer to questions like "Do you think that Buddha statue is evil?", "Am I a fool?" "Am I a good fool or a bad fool?" and he swears he got one nod answers in reply. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he was hallucinating because I'm not sure if that contravenes the BB rules of communicating beyond the set limits. Anyway. It was rather sweet.

Ho hum. Back in to see if Paul and Helen are snogging yet...

UPDATE 11th July. Hooray! Josh is up for eviction. Paul's description of "slightly slimey" is the first time I've really agreed with his character assessments. Much more descriptive than "cool" or "mad" or "ppppfffffff...sparked". Anyone know what the last one means??

Sticking with the subject of Paul, he's not nominated this week! How freaky must he feel now?? Helen is though, but I don't think he's got too much to worry about on that level. My feelings are that they'll keep those two together as long as possible to see just how much more involved with each other they can become, without actually DOING it.

I don't care how much Helen protests, she fancies Paul like mad. Last night's program showed her joining in the high jinx in the boy's bedroom. They were winding up Brian as per usual, by grabbing at him in the pitch darkness (the infra-red night cameras make their eyes go really scary, don't they?? Just black discs..<shudder>..) and he was running and screaming round the room in an OTT camp fashion that would have made Larry Grayson turn in his grave. Anyway, Helen suddenly opens their door to find out what was going on, causing most of the blokes to promptly crap themselves. (Men? Hah!). She joins in the mayhem, by grabbing at Brian and then leaping onto Paul's bed. She scrabbles for his
hand in the darkness, and they held hands for more time than was necessary. As the camera closed in on the shot, you could see Paul getting out of bed, slowly breaking the hold, while she was trying to make the moment last a bit longer. It was quite touching really.

I heard Liz discussing the relationship with Dean, and apparently Helen had been telling her that the relationship with Big G had been on and off before the show, and he hadn't wanted her to go on BB in the first place. Maybe it's the truth, maybe she's cutting the jigsaw to fit, who knows. Her eviction will be slightly more interesting to watch as far as whether Big G puts in an appearance or not, that's for sure. But I think she can rest her head safely for another week. Big Josh is on the out and out.

UPDATE July 10th. All quiet in the East End of London. The housemates have settled down after the eviction of Amma and become really quite boring. In fact, the only spell of light amusement came, conversely, from Paul. His by now famous ability to sleep talk saw him thanking everyone for their nomination, and saying it was "cool". Brian and Dean took this to mean he was celebrating his success at winning BB2 and took the rise mercilessly, along with the rest of the group. Actually, I'm not so sure he was. I think it was the reaction to being nominated for the 4th time in a row, and he was rehersing for his 5th. There'll be a surprise in store for him this week, as Dean told BB in the diary room that he's not going to vote for Paul this week. As he gets on so well with Betty and Brian, this can only mean that he's voting for Josh and Helen.

That should screw Paul's head up even more if he was to go un-nominated this week.

His trips to the mirror were rivettingly explained last night by the resident psychologists. It has increased to an all time high of 30 visits in half an hour, and is apparently due to his feeling a disti
nct lack of support from his housemates. He's comforting himself. This immediately made me think of a budgie in its cage, so give him a bell and he'll be well away!

Their task this week (which they've bet a mind-boggling 36.4% of their budget on) is to carry an 18 piece drum kit through or over three obstacles. They have to do it in less than 8 minutes, otherwise there could well be seens of cannibalism in Bow next week.

Helen thinks she'll be up for eviction, and although the chances are there'll be more than two of them, my money is on Josh disappearing from the scene. Please. The bald head is getting too much...

UPDATE July 7th. Bugger, bugger, bugger. Paul's still in the bloody house. What is WRONG with you people out there? What kind of Sado-masochistic freaks are you?? Are you waiting till it gets so bad that someone decks him??? Ah ha! I like the method in your madness.

Oh well, bye bye farting Amma. She had an interview spent on the verge of tears, where she also reiterated her promise to her mother that she'd give up lap-dancing. Probably a good job as I can't see many blokes finding the prospect of her backside being waved in their face quite as appealing as it once might have been.

I think the only happy housemate tonight (other than a blitzed Paul) is Helen. The rest are a bit quite and flat and wondering just how bad they must have been for the public to punish them like this.

Whilst watching the live bit just now, they were talking about things that people find really annoying about each other or themselves. Liz was generous with Brian by saying that there was nothing annoying about him, and for the vast majority of the time, he had failed to annoy her at all. Helen, who was preening at the mirror - nice of Paul to give her some space - asked "Have I ever really annoyed anyone?" and Liz kept a straight face as she answered flatly, "No". Considering
the mini tirade she let rip in front of Dean, this was a remarkable piece of keeping a poker face and a level voice, which was astounding when you knew she'd been effing and blinding about her just 24 hours since. Yummm. Hope that gets into a montage of clips when she's booted out.

I can hear Paul droning on in the background. Think I'll stay for a surf...

UPDATE July 6th. Tasks failed, heads shaved and surprising new additions to the household, just a few of the events in the house over the last few days.

But first, congratulations must go to Bubble, who finally broke the world record for eating corn kernels. The new record stands at 185 in 3 minutes, being set in the BB studio with an adjudicator sitting alongside, so it’s official. He’s got his certificate and he is one happy bunny. Despite having been schmoozing with the glitterati, I suspect that this is one of the more meaningful events since he left the house. Bless him.

Back to the house. Two drunken young men scaled the walls of the Big Brother house and landed unceremoniously on the chicken shed roof. The gobsmacked housemates were like rabbits caught in headlights for a few seconds before Dean ordered them into the house. Brian looked ready to have a go – Dean thought he was going to have to have a go – and Paul told everyone that he was on the verge of having a right good go. Yeah, reckon Paul. But if it helps to make you more interesting.

Oh and I voted for Paul last night so fingers crossed.

The men were dragged off for treatment as they had managed to injure themselves, although Helen looked the most traumatised. Maybe that evening when Bubble and Brian were winding her and Narinder up about murderers breaking in was in the front of her mind. Let’s face it, there’s a lot of room in there…

Because Brian wasn’t nominated for eviction, he had to have his head shaved as per a rather
rash promise he made that if he wasn’t voted for, he’d have the deed done. It actually looks okay, although – and this really disturbs me as a West Ham fan – he now resembles Julian Dicks. Sorry, Julian, I know you won’t be happy with that remark, but it’s true. Josh has also had his head shaved but it doesn’t suit him one bit. Paul has promised to have it done (after bottling out this time) if he isn’t voted out of the house for the 4th time in a row. As much as I’d love to see just how big a pillock he will look, I’m more desperate to get him out.

Paddy refused to fetch the ball in the challenge set to the housemates this week, which means that having gambled and lost 50% of their food budget, they have £4.50 each to last them a week. Well, they’ve been pampered far too much compared to the original BB gang so I think it’s only fair that they should have some sufferings. Especially since they’ve been Naz free for two weeks.

Helen is now known as the Neapolitan Queen because her tan has come out in differing shades of brown, and this is spooky, but Paul hasn’t tanned at all compared to the others, despite his laying out in the sun for hours.

Liz has endeared herself to me for the first time in weeks as she ranted on to Dean about just how annoying she finds Helen. She likes her but wishes she had a volume button. Me too. All that screeching, shouting, pouting and childlike behaviour drives me up the wall and I was relieved to know that Liz felt the same way. Not so Miss Perfect after all.

Amma’s been a bit quiet since the nomination, but hopefully she’ll have a reason to be cheerful by 8.30pm tonight. So… fingers crossed… and I’ll report back later.


UPDATE July 3rd. Yawn! Boring! Predictable! Paul's up for nomination. Alongside him this week is Amma, which kinda throws a spanner in my plans somewhat
as Amma seems to be on quite a few people's hit list.

Paul's getting so up himself that I don't know if I can stand it much longer. I've just been watching him on the live edition, and he's been saying that he wants to know why he's still there in the house, after having been nominated for so long (he said since the beginning of the show, so I think his opinion of himself is making other contestants disappear from his view). There was a big pause as no-one came forward with the "Well you're a lovely, scintillating guy" comments, so Helen popped up with "Cos you're special". There was an even bigger pause after that.

Interestingly, this week sees the first week where everyone in the house received a nomination.

Amma voted for Paul and Josh
Brian voted for Paul and Amma
Dean voted for Paul and Amma
Liz voted for Paul and Helen
Helen voted for Josh and Dean
Josh voted for Amma and Brian
Paul voted for Amma and Elizabeth

Amma was particularly twofaced this week. She'd been outside with Paul, teaching him to roll ciggies - he's a weekend smoker - and asking him to help her be a better friend to him.

Take THAT between the shoulder blades, my boring dear boy.

Big Brother insisted on full and detailed reasons as to why they were nominating people. This annoyed the housemates intensely, especially Brian who had quite a rant over it with the others.

My favourite reason for nomination this week came from Gormless Paul for Amma when he said that he was voting for her because she hadn't respected him from day one.

Oh dear, Paul, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Me thinks you're misreading the public's preferences for the other people who were voted. Methinks you think it's because you're such a top hole, macho blokey. Hmmmm.... I hope we get to see shots of you reading the tabloids when you get out...


My least favourite piece of information was that Josh has had 4 wet dreams whilst he's been in the house. He volunteered this and coming (boom boom) during a quiet spell relaxing in the garden, it embarrassed Helen enough for her to ask him to change the subject. Perhaps she thinks she's the cause. I would also have used the words "up" and "herself" at this point, but the context would just make it tacky.

So... people of Britain...please..pick up the phones and vote for Paul. I can put up with Amma's farting (no smello-vision y'see) but I can't put up with a bloke who asks suspiciously and seriously whether Big Brother could have someone lined up, who would untrain the dog from performing the tricks they'd (I love it that he feels he's had an input into this) taught him.

Oh duuuurrrrrrrrrrrrr!


UPDATE July 2nd. Oh dear. The fact of third nomination and no eviction is leading Paul down a dangerous road. He now seems convinced that he's in control of the whole household. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it tonight on BB. Having survived a pop from Liz earlier in the morning on Saturday, he gradually became more arrogant as the week-end went on. Especially when the still shell-shocked household started to talk about Bubble being evicted instead of him.

After some of his behaviour, I'd lay my life on him being nominated AGAIN this week, but this time he'll be gone. Even if he's pitted up against Helen, I'll vote him out.

Although it is a close run thing, and if I hear her squeal once more over that bloody dog (he's a sweetie really, but she's making me detest the sight of him), I'll break in to the compound and do something desperate.

The dog, by the way is called Paddy and he's their latest task. They have to 'teach an old dog new tricks'. They have staked 50% of next week's budget on Paddy per
forming 4 tricks, randomly selected from the 8 they have been given to train him on. He's a Bichon Frise, a bit of a cutey and quite smart. He doesn't like the cameras in the garden.
<br>
Plenty of bitching since Bubble's left, although it'll probably subside when Paul's evicted. Except maybe for Helen who won't have any males to drag compliments out of, so she'll be upset. Still, she won't have to wait long before she can rush back to Big G. Please God.

Nominations have gone in and I'll be watching avidly tomorrow night, Ch4 at 10pm.

UPDATE June 29th. A deflated Bubble (the first of many puns) was evicted from the house tonight, whilst the viewing nation and housemates were left stunned at the choice. I think I know what's going on. Dean is so boring and nice and straight down the middle, that the voters just want to punish him by getting rid of his mate.

Close to tears many times during the interview with Davina, he was cheered and amazed by a new set of fans that have blown up out of nowhere, called The Church of Bubble. The behatted adoring ones wear a t-shirt declaring their worship of him, and apparently they've set up a website too.

Channel 4 bravely showed him the headline that declared his girlfriend had been bedding her ex-boyfriend while he was away, saying they were giving her the opportunity to say on national television that it was all codswallop. There was some swapping of endearments, "Awwww, baaaby, you know it's a pile of pants," "yeah, love you too babe" and the matter seemed to be sorted.
<br>
Last night in the house saw the biggest character assassination ever seen on BB 1 or 2, when the housemates gathered round to slaughter Narinder. EVERYONE piled in. Brian did his best to defend her, but it all came pouring out and there was some stuff that he had to concede was wrong with her attitude. I expect she'll still love
him, but I also think she would have wanted him to at least verbally slap Amma down.

Should make for an interesting re-union.

I know he's dodged the bullet for the third week in a row, but Paul's luck is going to run out at some point. My next wish for eviction is Helen, followed by Josh, followed by Amma, followed by Paul, followed by Betty, followed by Dean, leaving Brian to emerge victorious to a deserving wave of heartfelt love and appreciation for one of the loveliest guys around.

Even Bubble wants him to win. Sorry the bubble burst, Bubble. I know my sympathy won't wash at the moment, and it still feels like a bit of a blow, but you are Bubble the Behatted one, and not Bubble the chimp, so rest easy for the rest of your life with that....

UPDATE June 28th. Yet another birthday in the house, and this time it was Liz's (yes I know she hates being called that, it's why I said it) 27th. This particular chosen treat was a mass pampering session, with OODLES of expensive, good quality beauty products to indulge themselves in. Face masks, fake tan, lip gloss, nail varnish, creams, lotions, massage oils, not forgetting 6 bottles of champagne, full length bath robes and hot water specially supplied out of hours.

One nice point that Dean picked up on, was Helen going ballistic over all the goodies and he said to Paul and Bubble that he was confused about who the celebrating was for because it was Liz's birthday at the end of the day. He told them to remember that. Nice touch.

And this from the Sugar Cube Tower king himself! Yes. An official new world record is expected to be confirmed by the judges, beating the previous record of 1.03 by almost 20 cms. Josh failed the cream cracker task. Brian blew it (fnarr,fnarr) in the bubble blowing contest. Bubble didn't get the world record (by 4 measly corn kernels). He did, however, obliterate the previous British record, set in 1988 in the Bombay
Nights Curry House in Essex (I kid you not) of 113 by eating 165 sweetcorn kernels with a cocktail stick in 3 minutes. He's gone from being gutted to being well-chuffed. Nice to see him with a smile on his face for a change.

But back to the business of Liz's birthday. If you look in the direction of South Wales, you should see a vaguely glowing fire. This will be Big G. He has just been humiliated by the sight of his girlfriend, naked in a bath with Amma and Liz (okay that's probably not too humiliating by a lot of bloke's standard) but she did flash her boobs seductively at Paul when he brought tea in for the girls to drink. Most of the other girls boobs were poking out of the water to be fair to her, she wasn't the only one, but she is desperate for some male attention and confirmation, and Paul is definitely in her sights.

I don't suppose she'll get too warm a welcome in either the hillsides or vales, when she goes back home to Wales..


UPDATE June 26th. Well there was some truly scintillating hoaxing courtesy of some pretend hypnosis. Dear God. How did they manage to fool Paul, Helen and Brian with their absurd acting?? Oh I know. It's because they're so stuuuuuuuuupid. Bubble and Josh had to react to the word 'Lush', when Bubble had to be nice to Brian and Josh would behave like Brian. Nice idea, but they're obviously bored out of their skulls.

Their new challenge is to attempt genuine world records tomorrow - the building of a sugar tower (made with cubes)over 1.02 metres tall, eating 3 cream crackers without water in under 82 seconds, blowing a bubblegum bubble in excess of 54cms, and eating sweetcorn with a toothpick (can't remember how many or in what time). They've actually managed to break the sweetcorn record 3 times between them, and Dean tantalisingly broke the record on the sugar cube tower, but it keeled over in less than 5 seconds so it wouldn't have
counted.

Helen and Paul are going through a major crush session. I hope Big G is the understanding type.

This week's nominations are:
Amma voted for Paul and Dean
Paul voted for Amma and Bubble
Josh voted for Paul and Bubble
Brian voted for Paul and Amma
Dean voted for Paul and Helen
Liz voted for Paul and Brian
Helen voted for Bubble and Brian (wot no Paul?)
<br><br>Bubble voted for Paul and Josh.
<br>
So.. Bubble against Paul then... will it be third time lucky for the gormless one? Don't forget that Craig was a permanent fixture when up for eviction, but he did go on to win the first show. So. Who's it going to be?? My money's on Bubble...

UPDATE June 23rd. So did Narinder do her promised thing of telling the housemates individually exactly what she thought of them before she left? Erm.. no.. she saved the vitriol for the show with Davina when she was well out of earshot of the others. Shame. But then she was one of the more honest ones there, and they probably already knew anyway.

One interesting comparison, however, was Bubble, who she said was Bernard Manning.

She swung from vitriolic to caring in most of the 20 minutes or so that she was being interviewed, and made Paul's mum cry when she turned to her and said "He loves you sooooooo much."

When Jatinder (Naz's husband) was asked how he felt about her behaviour with Brian, he siad "That's okay. I could see what she was getting up to, but she couldn't see what I was doing." Hmmmmmmmmmm... a little bit of talking seems to be in order for those two.

They lost their dance challenge by the way, because Josh didn't get onto the stage when the Conga music was being played. The last track to be played before the task ended, no less. Oh well. He stuffed up on the memory task, has caused more arguments with his drinking games, and now lost them 10% of
this week's budget. Let's hope he's up for eviction too. I just can't stand the silent version of Stuart's posing much longer.

Apparently Amma is everyone's favourite to be up for eviction next week, and Helen received a lot of boos so my eviction wish list will be Helen and Josh. I went even further off Helen when she thought that people were jealous in the "design a hat" task, because Josh was doing her hat (which was crap) and said nice things about her while she was doing the modelling. Silly tart.

Paul blubbed briefly after realising that Narinder had won the vote, and this was after his session when he broke down over the death of his grandfather. All this soft underbelly being shown will probably give him longevity in the house, but a bloke who can spend 20 minutes talking about a journey round the M25 doesn't deserve to win. My money is still on Brian.

Update June 19th. It's been a quietish week in the house... so far. The challenge of the dancing is driving Bubble up the wall. And causing him to dive headlong onto the floor via a table, causing bruising to his leg and exempting him from completing the task. If I was a cynic, I'd think he did it on purpose.

Penny & Stuart met up for the first time on BBLB, and this time it was Penny who emerged triumphant. Twice she managed to snub Stuart's attempts to give her a kiss, leaving him to look like the tart that he is. He still invited her to his party though.
Maybe Leopards and spots can change..

Lots of nit-picking arguments between the girlies due to PMT and lack of chocolate, and Narinder and Brian have been naughty enough to try and drag Bubble into their little team to bitch about the housemates.

This could prove difficult for Narinder when she finds out that her and Paul are this week's nominees. The voting was as follows:-
<br>
Amma voted for Narinder and Paul.
Brian voted for Pau
l and Amma.
Dean voted for Narinder and Paul.
Elizabeth voted for Narinder and Paul.
Helen voted for Brian and Narinder.
Josh voted for Narinder and Bubble.
Narinder voted for Amma and Bubble.
Bubble voted for Narinder and Josh.
Paul voted for Brian and Bubble.

One little thing that could have been really nasty. Apparently a member of the public threw a tennis ball into the compound. It had been slit open, and inside it was a press cutting about the escapades of Bubble's girlfriend while he's been inside the house. It got confiscated and he never saw it, but honestly... that's lower than a snake's belly.

Update June 16th. Stuart was deservedly booted out last night, and emerged from the house to a chorus of boos and cheering. It felt very satisfying. Davina played a collection of his snits and was nice about the fact that they showed him up to be a complete tart.

Later, when I was watching the 'live' feed (10 minute delay), Amma said "It's strange without Stuart here" and Elizabeth replied matter-of-factly "You'll soon get used to it" but without any emotion in her voice at all. It was strangely chilling. I mean, I know that she voted him out, but she'd made such a big thing about being visibly on his side for the last 3 weeks or so, her coldness really stood out.

It'll probably all go flat now that the main irritant has gone, but I'm sure that Narinder is boiling up to letting rip at someone soon. Probably Helen.

So, a personal hit list for me now? Well, Josh is right up there, as well as Elizabeth or Helen. I know that he comes across as a nice fun guy, but there's just something about him. Can't quite put my finger on it yet, but there's definitely something annoying me.

Their latest challenge is having to perform a set dance piece out of a choice of 9 styles, ie, Disco, RocknRoll, Waltz, Hard Core Dance,
etc etc. When the signal goes, the person who's been selected has 20 secs to stop what they're doing and get to the stage in the garden to perform with a partner. The time limit for this challenge was between 8am and 2am today. They've only bet a small percentage of their food budget, as they were scared that they wouldn't be able to wake Bubble up in time for his little show. As it is, whilst rushing out to perform a second set alongside Josh doing the Hard Core Dance, he (Bubble) slipped on the wet stage and landed flat on his back. He looks none too happy and has just gone into the diary room.
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So... life out in the big wide world for Stuart begins again. I hope he's learned a valuable lesson and got much more from the experience than the tan he's been posing with. Nah... course he won't. He's too superior to us minions to worry about changing his attitude. C'est la vie.

Update June 15th. Well Brian's party went with a kaboom, didn't it? Not just a simple bang for our favourite trolley dolly, (pun intended).

After drinking 6 bottles of wine, 4 bottles of champagne and a litre of Cider, the housemates frustrations came bubbling to the surface. Once more, the game of 'truth' was the catalystic culprit. The guys were in the hot tub and playing it, when Narinder and Amma climbed in to join in what they thought was a general discussion. Stuart in particular took umbrage at this and commanded Amma to shut up. Literally commanded. There then ensued a major sniping session between the two of them while Naz, Brian and Josh became embroiled in another argument. It was like watching Jerry Springer. Everyone going at it hammer and tongs, making it difficult to follow the paths of any of the disputes. I did hear Stuart being snidey and Amma calling him a Shit, to which I let out a great whoop which isn't a popular thing to do at 1.30 in the morning.

Amma stalks off and burst into
angry tears, ranting to the housemates about how Stuart had dissed her and that he has no right to behave or talk to her like that. Quite agree. He was more OTT than usual, no doubt having sussed that Amma had voted for him, and had been looking for a fight of some sort. Dean and Liz took her to the den to calm her down, at which point Stuart barges in, despite Dean and Liz telling him to go away while Amma calms down, and tries to keep banging home his side of the argument. Ignoring their requests to not talk about the argument, Stuart tries to get Amma to agree that he had been "Misrepresented" in his comments. What a berk.

Brian had two pairs of his pants ruined. One pair was set alight, and another were ripped off him in the hot tub. Penny had said that he'd only bought 3 pairs in with him, so..... eeeeeuuuuuuuuuw. One pair for 7 weeks. I trust that BB will take sympathy on him. And us. I couldn't bear the thought of just how baggy the single pair would be by then...

In the quiet after the storm, both Amma and Stuart made up although Amma was careful not to concede ground in the apologising that went on. Too bloody right an' all. Stuart needs to watch the re-runs when he gets booted out, and LEARN that treating people like business deals just won't work in a social context and even treating your business contacts with such a all-commanding attitude won't get you too far with them, either.

Ho hum. Bring in the next load of alcohol, light blue touch paper and retire.

I dislike Josh. He's pushing his way in, which is natural, but he appears to try and take over the scene rather than melt into the group. I don't like his trousers. I don't like his cowboy boots. Money does not guarantee taste in clothes, it would appear... miiiieeeeeeeoooooowwww.

Anyway. Tune in tonight and hopefully we can kiss Stuart's posey act goodbye.

Update June 12th. There is a God. There is a
God, he watches Big Brother and hopefully he hates Stuart too.

The nominations went in today and they were as follows:

Amma voted for Paul & Stuart
Brian voted for Stuart & Helen
Dean voted for Narinder & Paul
Elizabeth voted for Paul & Stuart
Helen voted for Narinder & Bubble
Bubble voted for Paul & Helen
Paul voted for Amma & Bubble
Stuart voted for Amma & Narinder
Narinder voted for Stuart & Helen.

Stuart had 4 votes and Paul had 4 votes, thereby being the persons up for eviction. (Narinder and Helen get to breathe again with 3 votes each). It's Brian's birthday today (13th), and I'm really curious to know what kind of party Big Brother intend on giving him. And I bet he wouldn't swap any Gucci for a party with his mates....

Update June 11th. Quote of the series so far:- "Stuart is the biggest winker in the house". Oh yes. Without a doubt. And from one of the analysts to boot. This was in response to Stuart's nasty Fatima Whitbread wink that he uses in order to control people. I'd spotted the one when he was exercising, and he did it to the camera, and I'd prayed that he wasn't aiming it at us. I'd lose my lunch if he did..

Josh arrived to excitable, high pitched squeaks from the girlies and a nervous circling from the rest of the guys. Stuart is miffed because Josh's trendy clothes are more expensive than his and his fashion-ego now has a dent in it. How Helen and Narinder didn't twig that he was gay is beyond me.

Speaking of which, Helen & Narinder have had a set to. Most of the aggro came about because a comment was made in front of Josh that Helen thought was casting aspirtions on her career as a Hairdresser. A few slung barbs, a quick flip of the bird, and a couple of really loud "F*** OFF!"'s from Narinder ensured that Josh's welcome to the house was an honest one.

They've sort of made up
now, but they are wary of each other. Elizabeth is still naffing me off with her nothingness, as is Paul. Dean seems to be licking his woumds on the quiet, and Brian is not at all sure how to handle the deal of having another gay guy in the house. So, he's consoling himself by staying in the girls room to sort out the bedding problem with Josh.

Last night, I could hardly tear myself away from the set. It was past 1.30 am but there was the most GLORIOUS slagging off session of Stuart. Hurray! I knew I had to go to bed, but I was hanging on their every waspish comment, praying to the God who is hater of all posers, that he will now be up for evicton. One lives in hope...

Update June 9th. Well, Penny has gone and after a week of backstabbing and general nastiness they've suddenly started paying compliments to her. Shame they couldn't have found it in their hearts to be so understanding about her nerve problems when she was there. Still. It wouldn't have made it half so interesting!

She did go out with a bang and not a whimper though. She was caught with Brian and Narinder having a right good rant about everyone (barring them) in the bedroom. She described Stuart as a "Sparrow Head". I'd have used the prefix "Dick" myself, so I thought she was pretty charitable. She then went on to describe her spat with Amma, claiming that she was 'brushing her hair like a horse' which IS an annoying noise although a little OTT. Trouble was, Amma and Helen were listening outside while she was slagging them off.

I've been in two minds about Liz, but having seen her being so two faced with Penny, I've decided that she's joining Stuart on my most hated list. (Paul is third, but that's because he's so boring).

They were dancing around to the music that was blotting out the crowd screaming, and I was praying that Stuart would just keep his cool poser act going throughout this, b
ut no. He had to dance. Oh it was awful. I was begging him to stop, and I know that I'm now looking for confirmation in everything that the guy is a pillock, but luckily for me it all confirms it.

Josh arrives today....should be good.... especially for Brian....

Update June 7th. On Salgirl's hate list today -

STUART - Perpetually annoying and displaying tones of chauvanism.
ELIZABETH - Really starting to get up my nose with her bland niceness and persistent bread-making. She's also a typical non-smoker who won't appreciate the difficulties of having the habit and is being smugly superior to Bubble about his addiction. One smirk in particular had me scrabbling round for something to lob at the screen.
DERMOT - One of the presenter's on Big Brother's Little Brother on E4. He keeps repeating the phrase "...or BBLB as the kids on the street are calling it..." Don't be ridiculous, of course they aren't. You're the only one trying to give this some kind of hip credibility. It's not necessary, so please desist.

Other news: A meteorite landed in their garden causing 4 casualties. The housemates were woken up by a strange loud noise and the sound of Big Brother telling them about the incident. Staggering bleary eyed into the kitchen to await further orders, Dean started to panic about the impending challenge and became impatient and bossy with people. When they got outside, Helen immediately snapped into efficient mode and started pulling her weight whilst pointing things out to others about their casualties. Bless her. Narinder and Brian got the job of administering CPR, and went at it with much gusto. Others were rushing round being extremely active, and Penny was given the job of staying by the side of an unconcious dummy to keep talking to him. Hmmmm... a subconcious lack of confidence vote in her ability to do anything more helpful than to keep a conversation going with an ina
nimate object, perhaps? Anyway, they all passed, even though Brian and Narinder did administer the heart massage to the stomach region. Bagsy not on his plane.

Bubble, Brian and Stuart pass the evening away by telling ghost stories which scare Helen and Narinder, even when the tales were so bizarre and clearly illogical that they cease to be frightening. Helen is so shaken up that she goes to the diary room to make sure that serial killers won't be breaking in to massacre them in their beds. She thus makes herself a prime targets for wind ups and spends the next half hour screaming loudly whenever someone makes her jump. Aren't you supposed to slap people when they're hysterical? Here, let me show you.....

Anyway, Penny emerged from the bedroom looking enraged and turning housemates to stone with one look. She stalks off again without barely speaking. She returns a few minutes later, complete with that bag of hers slung across her pj's and pretends that she was only upset because the screaming had scared her and she thought that the game would reduce someone to tears. Honest.

Bubble gets a Beckham Mohawk, and for a Hairdresser, Helen makes a good Estate Agent. She screws it up so that Dean has to carry out the final coup de grace on Bubble's hair which all seems pointless as the guy's a hat fanatic anyway.

The housemates voted in the election today, and for those who are gagging to know - Bubble (Lib Dem), Elizabeth (Lib Dem), Helen (Labour), Penny (Labour), Paul (Private), Stuart (private), Narinder (Private), Brian, Dean and Amma all abstain from voting.

Should be some good stuff to report on soon as I believe Penny's been involved in a huge tiff. I'm watching a 4 hour delayed version via the interactive link on E4 (two camera angles for watching it live, or choice of 2 hours previous and 4 hours previous viewing). You can also vote via this facility and read handy tidbits of info on a ro
lling strap at the bottom of the screen. Sometimes they also include a trivial pursuit style question on the household.

Not that I'm taking much notice of course....

Update June 6th. Just a quickie. Bubble has given smoking which is a terrific excuse to have a small rant at anyone close enough to cop it. The pressure on them for the first aid challenge is beginning to tell - People are snappy, nervous and very hungry. Not to mention tired, having to keep performing the tasks into the early hours. It's affecting Paul so much that his sleep-talking is going nineteen to the dozen, complete with naff hand gesturing.

Penny is going schizoid over being voted out and finally took a verbal pop at Amma for brushing her hair too loudly while she was trying to get to sleep.

MMmmmmmmmmmmmm....we LOVE conflict....

I saw them complete their challenge at 7.30am this morning, although the rest of you will have to wait until tomorrow night's show to find out how they got on. I don't want to be a killjoy.

Update June 4th - The nominations were announced to the housemates today. Both Penny and Helen took the news well, although Helen appeared not to have understood the basic rules of eviction because after she uttered a suspicious "Ahhhhhh, two people are up for eviction".

Yes, Helen.

Bubbles blubbed during revelations of his life changing experience (a group talk instigated by Big Brother, designed to encourage fortitude and spirit which instead brought out people's very personal and sometimes tragic events in their lives) when he bestowed this honour on the existence of his daughter. The bloke gets more modern with every show. Love 'im.
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Brian and Dean are apparently joint favourites to win, although I'm sticking firmly by Brian. Unless he does something disasterous to blot his copy book, he'll win this by a country mile.

Elizabeth has suddenly st
arted to figure as a popular house member, whilst Amma is on a slightly downward trend. Narinder gets more likeable the more natural she gets. Penny, I kind of want to stay in just because she annoys everyone so much. Helen's a nice girl, but a bit too up herself for my liking.

Paul has faded back into the background recently, and Stuart I could cheerfully punch, every hour on the hour. Please people of Britain, when you get the chance, vote this guy out. Reasons? Arrogant, too self assured, a poser, superior, plastic street cred and really really annoying hair.

<br>See? I'm not the petty sort...
<br>
Update June 1st – Well, the first round of voting has just finished, and this time it was broadcast live to the nation. The final polls are Penny with 5 votes and Helen with 5 votes (Narinder just missed out with 3 votes). They of course won’t know this until Monday, neither will they know that Josh (you were right, PJE!) will be joining them as the evictees replacement. The first eviction occurs this Friday, and I guess that’s the same night that Josh will be introduced to them.

Now to the business of the arguments, of which there were 2 that have been significant, although one more than the other. The first argument came when Stuart had been put on the spot in a game of ‘Truth’, and when asked who he would sleep with if his life depended on it, he tried to wriggle out of any confrontations by saying all 5 women. The group wouldn’t have it so they then tried to get him to say who he wouldn’t sleep with. He said, “Okay, I’ll sleep with 4 but not Penny.” Not long after this comment, she mouthed to him “You F****** A******” at which he took offense. Now the rest that I’ll tell you was only shown if you were watching it live, and Penny was almost immediately repentant and apologizing profusely. Stuart wouldn’t accept this with any grace, lea
ving Penny to stalk off inside in search of friendship or back up. She cornered people by saying that Stuart had said to her “I haven’t given you permission to talk to me like that,” and trying to drum up sympathy for her in the situation. After a talking to by some of the housemates, she staggered (they HAD just shared 5 bottles of champagne, and as nice as Stuart may be, I think I’d have called him something similar without the aid of alcohol by now) back outside and insisted on calling a proper truce. Begged, actually. Eventually Stuart said okay, more to stop her groveling more than anything else.

Later, back in their bedroom, the rest of guys try and talk to Stuart about how it was a misinterpretation of humour, his and hers, which he grudgingly and eventually concedes. It does lead Stuart to vote for Penny, however. Hmmmm… couldn’t see that coming, could you?

Second conflict involved Amma and Paul.

They did indeed lose the fire challenge, and Helen kept saying it was all her fault. They now have £4.90 each to spend on food to last them a week. Amma got a tad annoyed, because she had seen Paul leave the fire unattended before Helen had done, and called him on it outside in the relative privacy of the garden. Paul denied having done it and took not a little offense at the fact that Amma thought he should shoulder his responsibility for the failure of the task. Result? Amma votes for Paul and Paul votes for Amma.

For those sad enough to read the minutae (from someone sad enough to be noting these things down for the benefit of your goodselves):-

Bubble voted for Paul & Penny.
Amma voted for Paul & Penny
Brian voted for Helen & Elizabeth
Dean voted for Narinder & Penny
Elizabeth voted for Helen & Penny
Helen voted for Bubble & Narinder
Narinder voted for Helen & Bubble
Paul voted for Amma & Helen
Penny voted for Helen & Amma Stuart voted for Pen
ny & Narinder.



Update 31st May - Well, I was wrong about them not settling into conflict until later. It's already happened. First though, Helen MAY have let the team down on the first house-hold challange, by walking away from the fire they have to keep burning for 5 days with at least 2 housemates present. I believe it was Elizabeth who let out a loud squeak when she realised she was on her own, then tried to convey the problem to those inside the house without alerting Big Brother to the situation. Like the 20 or so cameras haven't picked up on the fact already. Paul was sent to the room to ask if they'd failed the task. Whilst he said they wouldn't let him know the result until tonight, he thinks that they've just lost the challenge, and having gambled a percentage of their food budget that means only having £49 to feed 10 people for a week.

You may well see this tonight in Ch.4's update, but I was watching it live at 1am (I know, I know, shoot me now) and there was a big falling out between Penny (real name: Lisa) and Stuart (real name: snotty git). I won't spolit it, by revealing it now, BUT, if you don't see the episode, then I'll tell ya all about it later. Can't see how it won't make the show tonight.

Their most recent challenge (as well as fire attending) has been to produce photos for a calender, and they chose the category of 'character'. They intended to show how people were feeling at this recent stage of their incarceration, but it's ended up with something more along the lines of a soft porn deal for some of the girlies involved. Can't see it selling well...

Biggest laugh in the update? Well, Penny, the school teacher who may no longer have a job because of her behaviour, was called to the diary room. She thinks she's settling in well, getting on with most people, but she's aware that she's been more shy and retiring than she normally
is.

<br>Dear God. Get the tranquiliser gun ready.....


Update 29th May - The housemates appear to be settling down in some ways, but I still feel are playing up for the cameras a tad.

I'm changing my mind about Bubbles being annoying, but he's definitely got to be faking this. Nice touch at making himself look like a caring 21st Century man by telling Penny she's doing to much work around the house, and it's making him feel uncomfortable, and he wants to be allowed to help out more. Yeah right...

Simon is already an authoratative figure, using all his interpersonal skills from his job to great effect.

Narinder has been the first to show a real kind of stress as they couldn't get her name right, and she bleated to Big Brother about it. Must be annoying, Navinder, don't blame you in the slightest lovey!

Penny snogged Paul, briefly and unsexily, and seems to be striving for some kind of notoriety within the group. She'll get there at this rate.

Brian is camp and funny with it. I can see him developing into a modern day Kenneth Williams.

The others are knocking around, checking everyone out, keeping kind of low key. My mum said it's always the quiet ones that need watching....





ORIGINAL OP.
As heartily sick as you may have felt of the Big Brother phenomena, I'll bet more than one of you will take a peak either on the net, or on Channel Four, or via the satellite channel E4.

There are 10 new contestants to try and bond with, or develop an irrational hatred of. Because the project is only on Day 3, the run down I will give of the people will be brief and not contain any of that supposedly useful information about their character make-up. As we all know from previous experience, what they think about themselves and what ultimately gets projected are not one and the same.

1. Bubbles - Works for an Insurance c
ompany. (Male, by the way. Not to be confused with Michael Jackson's monkey, but it IS early days..).
<br>
2. Amma - Table dancer and self professed "Tart with a heart"

3. Dean - The eldest competitor at 37, and owns his own internet company.

4. Penny - English teacher, already looks suspiciously out of place.

5. Paul - CAD Designer, young and trendy sort.

6. Stuart - Director of Communications. Seems a bit bossy. Maybe the job status will prove interesting once the show gets underway.

7. Narinder - Medical Rep and I've not seen too much of her to comment beyond that.

8. Helen - Hairdresser. As above.

9. Elizabeth - Website Designer. Also see above.

10. Brian - Cabin Crew Supervisor. Once again, see above.

Now the reason that it's been difficult for me so far to get to grips with who everyone is, is because of the following reasons. The website is accessible via www.bigbrother.terra.com, but due to net congestion, it was impossible to get more than 2 seconds of play on either of the two cameras set up (one is a fan cam, following a single member all day, and the other is pan cam, allowing you to choose your angle of viewing and content). There is plenty of static information about the contestants, but I never take much notice of this, preferring to judge them solely on their behaviour.

I did try watching the E4 service of the show, which ran from early evening through till 6am, but it was more than a tad boring, having previously been used to getting the show in interesting chunks. This was much more tedious to watch, especially as people seemed to be having trouble in behaving normally. They were more hyper than would normally be expected and far too eager to please, and much, much worse than the first group had been. But obviously these guys have the disadvantage of knowing how the game is played, and it will probably take them longer to settl
e down into what the viewing public will recognise as something near normal life.

The 10 minute snatches of the show that channel 4 have shown is not sufficient for the full flavour just yet, and may be more of a comment on the fact that the show won't get interesting until conflict arises.

As with the American chat shows that I've written about, it's the difficulties that people experience that make them so watchable. Same here. I never got interested in the first show until the Nick deal blew up. THEN I watched it. THEN I got the measure of the characters. THEN I was able to empathise more closely with them.

<br>The rules are slightly different for this second show in that there will be more household challenges to keep them busy for the 9 week stint, plus there is the additional twist of being able to vote in a new contestant after the first ejection. The choices are Josh, Anne or Natasha, and if a woman's instinct is anything to go by, I envisage Natasha being the one person who goes in as the replacement. She's bright, gobby, funny and down to earth - just the sort required for stirring up a little extra pzazz amongst the housemates.

The house has changed in design too, it looks much more funky and a little less austere, and the beds don't look like NHS rejects.

I've been past the site on the train (central line, nearest station, Bromley-By-Bow) and it's actually a lot smaller than I'd given it credit for. With all the search lights and barbed wire it certainly looked more like a prison camp than a high-tech house with human behaviour studies going on inside, but it still managed to give me a bizarre thrill.

So... will you be one of the millions who tunes in avidly, week after week in order to see who will walk off with £70,000 prize money? I was a big fan of the first, loved the celebrity version, but I'm terribly scared that this one will just be a farce.

>I suppose that all I can hope for is running vendettas between key figures, maybe a little outrageous flirting (although who would have forseen that Tom and Claire from the first series would be the ones to hit the headlines with a baby on the way - and I wonder how Mel feels about that...) between the contestants, and the occasional dabble in nastiness, just so that I know the human spirit is alive and well and kicking ass somewhere in East London.
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Expect this to be updated as the show moves along... well, mine and the other God knows how many ops on the subject. Now that giving opinions is part of my life, I'll be back and dishing it out with the rest of them.

Come on guys, give me a ruck to write about!