The Spawn of Beelzebub (Blind Date)

Member Name: W Shakespeare

Product:	Blind Date
Date:	23/06/01 (340 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: It's a good incentive to go out on a Saturday night

Disadvantages: Cilla Black

Ever been on a blind date? Excruciating wasn’t it? The three basic requirements are desperation, intoxication and…er, a lot more intoxication. Much the same qualities required to get you through an entire 45 minute episode of ITV’s Blind Date.

The Beatles’ manager Brian Epstein has a lot to answer for. It was he who first discovered Cilla Black (or Priscilla White as she was then called) at Liverpool’s Cavern Club in the early 1960’s, where she went on stage to sing during soundchecks.

Epstein must have had an Omen-like premonition of the true Saturday night dating horror this woman would unleash on the world, as he committed suicide in 1967. However, even taking his own life could not derail the cataclysmic chain of events that would eventually lead to the birth of the televisual equivalent of 'Damien' in 1985.

As with all young babies, Blind Date seemed cute and cuddly enough. It had a doting mother (okay, great grandmother) in Cilla 'I thought she died in 1983' Black. But lurking in the background was the unseen father of the beast, a chilling satanic voice which boomed out its instructions and never showed its face – Graham, in other words. The guy who so irritatingly introduces the show as (phonetically), "Bline-Der…..Day-Ter".

The format - Cilla introduces the contestant who will do the choosing ('chooser'), but not before we’ve been subjected to a pot-pourri of weak one-liners, luke-warm anecdotes and embarrassing party pieces from their three prospective partners ('choosees'). This happens twice – boy chooses girl and vice versa.

The contestants normally fall into one of five main categories:

Beautiful People – Already have six partners but want to be drooled over by some poor, ugly member of the proletariat

Eccentrics – Crazy hairstyle, crazy clothes, crazy hobbies – works on
the till in Woolworths

Narcissists – Only in danger of falling head-over-heels in love with themselves

Nice But Boring – Nice............but boring

W*nkers - Everyone else

Although it caused a national scandal when the news first broke all those years ago, the choosees are given the three questions they are to be asked in advance, and are offered help from Blind Date’s gag-writers (though judging by the standard of Cilla’s jokes, I wouldn’t be surprised if the contestants have to help out the gag-writers on occasions).

Once the chooser has posed their questions, Graham – in the style of a Roman Emperor pondering on which gladiator to give the thumbs down to – reminds us of each choosee by declaring “Will it be number 1, who has a face like a bag of spanners, etc”. Finally, if you haven’t already started the ironing or flicking through your Radio Times, the chooser makes a decision and the pair are presented with a number of cards to choose their holiday destination. It is heavily rumoured that that cards ALL have the same destination on them. If I had my way, they’d all be windsurfing on the Manchester Ship Canal (which believe it or not, I seem to remember some poor couple actual getting!)

According to their publicity, the programme makers require contestants to be over 18, unattached , and have a sense of fun and good personality. Let’s face it, which single person WOULDN’T describe themselves that way? The accompanying application form asks the following questions:

Do you have a passport? - if yes: 1 year or 10 year

Do you smoke?

Do you have a drivers licence?

Age

Height

Date of birth

Place of birth

Marital status

Age of children

State of health (please mention any physical disabilities)

Have you applied previously to appear on blind d
ate?

Have you ever appeared on tv? - if yes give details

Have you ever done any modelling/video/film work? - if yes give details

Brief details of previous jobs/studies

What are you hobbies or interests

Name any sports/outdoor activities that you take part in

Can you swim? - if yes how well?

What is your ambition?

What type of music do you like?

Which overseas countries have you visited?

Where do you normally go on holiday?

What is your best quality?

What is your worst quality?

Name someone you fancy and say why

Who would you most like to go on a blind date with and why?

Where would you like to go and what would you like to do on a blind date?

Do you have a party piece or special talent?

There were suggestions following last year’s recruitment process that the show was beginning to lose some of its appeal for potential contestants. Despite widespread publicity in the area, it was reported that only one man turned up for the audition in Swansea. Maybe it’s because they’ve got so many sheep there? It’s no wonder the show is having trouble finding contestants, as you’ve got a better chance of finding your ideal partner in an internet chat room, and holidays are so cheap nowadays the lure of five days in Benidorm doesn’t have quite the same appeal it did 16 years ago.

Although they are sweetness and light as they walk off the stage hand in hand, it is not long before the lucky couple can’t stand the sight of each other, and that’s where the bitterness and acrimony really begins.

The second part of the show involves the feedback from last week’s two pairings. Shot at the actual holiday destination, the action cuts regularly between the man and woman’s opinion on their respective partner. The accusations and contradictions fly thick and fast, wit
h the contestants then invited to continue the character assassinations on the studio sofa, desperately attempting to appear reasonable and likeable while Cilla waffles on about how she won’t be rushing out to buy a wedding hat (which is a blessing given her previous purchases). And even if Cilla had Thora Hird and Peter Stringfellow on the sofa, she’d still ask them, "So, will you be seeing each other again?".

So wehere now for the programme? There can only be one answer. After 16 long years together, I think it’s about time ITV and Blind Date went their separate ways.

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