Britain's got Freaks! (Britain's Got Talent)

Member Name: thedevilinme

Product:	Britain's Got Talent
Date:	21/04/09 (191 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Good harmless family fun

Disadvantages: Are they unknowns Simon?

Some of the sexiest women out there are the plane ones with great figures, what's hidden underneath the voyeuristic appeal of Britain's Got Talent. Susan Boyle, of course, is not one of those women, she (if it is a she? Trannies are always called Susan!) looking alarming like the mad cleaner from Father Ted, coincidently also called 'Mrs Boyle', Susie currently grabbing the headlines all around the world with her voice, sounding like those angels she's been singing to in the shower all her spinster life. She claims to have never been kissed (we worked that out rather quickly), but so did Drew Barrymore.
At the end of the day she is a hit because she's not remotely attractive but really is beautiful on the inside, the line men sadly use to subtly tell a girl she's a bit of a moose, the British public revelling in yet another Simon Cowell freaks show production. Are we really that surprised that unattractive people have just as good voices as attractive popstars? After all the aesthetically pleasing Catherine Jenkins and Lesley Garret wouldn't be where they are would they without their fine set of lungs and looks! At best at least this show is democratic in that sense. The idea that Susan was making her first TV appearance on the show may prove unfounded. She was certainly 'selected' for the show by someone who persuaded her to take the risk of the cruel stick she knew would come, American talk show star Jay leno dressing up in drag on his show to push the jibe.

Cowell, the creator of the show, was as cynical as the rest of us when she walked out on to the stage for the first time, he thinking like us the toilet cleaner had taken the wrong turn. But when she opened her mouth the voice was exquisite and, of course, didn't go with the image, earning a standing ovation from the predominately working class audience, perhaps partly applauding themselves in some way I cant explain to you lot to make sense of yet. Yes they were cheering her courage and voice but they were also pressing their faces up to the glass to see the oddity, their gushing acknowledgment tinged with the relief of losing the guilt of quietly wanting this woman to choke in front of them.

Cowell is surely flummoxed by Miss Boyle because what do you do with her to make serious money? She is no Leona Lewis. The make-over kills her selling angle stone dead and if she doesn't have a make-over, like Jade Goody, she quickly outlives her 15 minutes of fame and the same public will cruelly turn on her. Paul Potts, who won two years ago with a similar warble, did go for the cosmetic nip, tuck and drill and earned himself nine grand's worth of new teeth from Cowell. But plane opera singers with powerful voices can get away with it, many a high street echoing to those oily blokes who only know Nessan Dorma. But for Susan it's just not going to work out, why she has been hiding in the shadows for so long, but perhaps savvy enough to realize that her image sells in these cynical days of television. The days of Alison Moyet being number one are over, although Adele's success is encouraging for the bigger girl with an amazing voice.

Her rival for the prize is little Shaheen Jafargholi, a charming little Welsh lad with yet another soulful voice from the valleys, choosing to sing an early Michael Jackson song after Simon stopped him destroying Amy Winehouses 'Valerie' for his audition. Let's hope Michael Jackson doesn't ask for his phone number for some after school coaching! But Shaheens mums claim that that her boy only sings at weddings and all this is a bit too much for him proved rather economical with the truth. The little mixed-race boy is no discovery, far from it, the boys showbiz CV leaked to the Daily Mail. 12-year-old Shaheen has been trained at a top stage school, hence his precocious manner and the fact he has appeared in commercials for Debenhams, Delta Airlines and DFS Sofas, also the TV shows Torchwood and Casualty, hardly occasional sing songs at weddings mum. He even switched on the Swansea Christmas Lights! Still, if it does go all pair shaped he can always advertise those sofas again alongside the previous reality show winners of the last ten painful years, flick up the said sofa when Martin Kemps on it. The rules state anyone can enter BGT, pro or amateur, and so he can't be thrown off but the impression given is that this show is about discovering new talent and viewers are right to be cynical if the acts are being 'booked'. And as these two contestants seem to be the only ones likely to generate interest in the semi-finals then is their any undiscovered talent out there to justify the show? It doesn't look like it. Last years young finalists both signed million dollar record deals, of which Cowell expects to earn well from.

The format is straightforward, old style cheap variety telly where the audience and acts are the box office and the only paid talent are the judges and compares, Ant & Dec backstage, no doubt twiddling with the wires of the phone voting kit, but the public vote banned this time around for the cheeky Geordies previous bad behaviour. The Token jury totty is Amanda Holden and the delicious Kelly Brook, the mischievous Piers Morgan the filling in the sandwich. They to sit through the regional audition all day and have to press their big button, and if the act gets two thumbs up out of three it goes forward to the next round, a bit like the ending of Peter Kay's brilliant Phoenix Nights. In fact the acts on BGT remind me of those awful talent costs you get in working men's clubs.

I can't really criticize the show as it's clearly what it is, a talent contest. I'm a fan of Piers and hot for Kelly and fairplay to Cowell for making all that money. He doesn't charge people to come on his productions and all publicity is good publicity for him and the acts. I know a magician and his wife who went on and although they got 'buzzed' off last year they were an established cruise and corporate act and got more work out of it. Yes it's slightly exploitative and perhaps some of the acts could do with a visit from social services but unlike the X-Factor this is open to all and not about how pretty and empty headed you are, a refreshing direction for British television in the new millennium.

ITV 1 - 9pm weekend nights...

http://talent.itv.com/

Summary: Family TV