Where's Tony? (Bullseye)

Member Name: W Shakespeare

Product:	Bullseye
Date:	18/06/01 (476 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: IN ONE...Fun for all the family, IN TWO...Makes Family Fortunes look like University Challenge, IN THREE...Nice line in speedboats

Disadvantages: IN FOUR...Basic numeracy required, IN FIVE...Must have large stretch of water nearby for speedboat, IN SIX...Annoying mooing bull

Take your time, don't be nervous, listen to Tony. Tony - whatever happened to Tony? If anyone knows, please drop me a line.

I don't suppose there are many jobs where being able to shout "IN ONE...A GARDEN GNOME SET, IN TWO...AN ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH.." is a necessary qualification. And who can forget his piece de resistance: "AND BULLY'S SPECIAL PRIZE ...A SPEEDBOAT". A speedboat? Imagine towing that all the way back to Huddersfield.

Aficionados of the pantomime that was the 20th Century ITV game show will forever consider Bullseye as one of the ugly sisters. I suppose that makes Jim Bowen the Widow Twankey of popular trivia culture.

The concept was simple. Scour the country for three darts players who couldn't hit a barn door with a shovel at three paces, visit their local pub after hours and hold a quiz night. The person with the lowest score (or in the event of a tie, the person with the most facial hair) was plucked from obscurity to act as their partner.

As I remember, Bullseye always went out on a Sunday afternoon, when the only other alternative was Songs of Praise. The average episode converted more people to religion than most missionaries do in a lifetime. I think it was timed for this slot because the pubs used to be closed between 3pm and 7pm on a Sunday, and it was probably the only time the contestants and viewers wouldn’t be squandering their family allowance down the boozer. Masterful scheduling.

Celebrity darts players were also invited to throw a few arrows for charity. Most appeared disgruntled when they realised that there wasn’t a barmaid of a packet of 20 Rothmans in sight. Many succumbed to an attack of the shakes – something that can affect darts players when they throw stone cold sober.

The programme retained all the earthiness of the traditional pub darts game. Losing couples were sent on their way with a bundle of dirty £10, £5 and £1
notes, and received a Bullseye tankard and dart flights - and they were thankful for it. The contestants treated Jim Bowen as a messianic publican, and every question was suffixed by an almost reverential "Jim". "Is it Paris, Jim?", "Doughnuts, Jim", "I haven’t got a bloody clue, Jim".

Once the winning pairing had been informed by Tony what was "IN ONE", "IN TWO", etc, and thrown at the prize board, they were offered the chance to gamble the Betamax video and screwdriver set they’d invariably won for a chance at the star prize – 101 had to be scored with six darts. Almost without fail, when they won it was the speedboat and when they lost it was the car. (I’m sure the Producer always had BOTH behind the screen and frantically wheeled off the car if they reached the 101 target.)

Even Jim Bowen’s catchphrases were slightly suspect - "You can’t beat a bit of Bully" and the infamous "Keep out of the black and in the red, you get nothing in this game for two in a bed." All it needed was Kenneth Williams to spring out from the audience and drawl "Oooh, matron!".

Let’s face it, Bullseye did for quiz shows what Henry VIII did for marriage guidance, but its legacy will never be forgotten.

Oh, and Tony, if you’re out there, give me a call.

(P.S. See my other reviews on Family Fortunes, Countdown, and A Question of Pop amongst others.)

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