It's STILL not over... My Nastiest Review So Far! (Celebrity Big Brother)

Member Name: malibu_jenny

Product:	Celebrity Big Brother
Date:	03/02/07 (219 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Made great viewing, caused a right fuss.

Disadvantages: Felt sorry for Shilpa, Jade got paid for it.

The 2007 Celebrity Big Brother has turned out to be a bit of a cracker. This year, Big Brother created a melting pot of Celebrities we’d never heard of, a row over ‘racist’ bullying and international outcry. Get ready for my nastiest review ever………

So, who goes in?


H from Steps – who cunningly outed himself as gay the day before entering the house (yeah, you won’t get the money for the exclusive if the Sun can work it out for themselves!) proved himself to be both balding and boring. I’d rate his exit as a success as he a) reminded the public who he was and b) managed to get people to call him ‘Ian’. Something which could have taken a lifetime otherwise.

Cleo Rocos – Looked like Ronald Macdonald and just constantly banged on about Kenny Everett and how much she loved him, Hello? He was GAY. Like ‘Ian’. And now he’s dead, like your career.

Carol Malone – A red top journalist who just had to see it from the inside… and had she bothered to provide us with any catty insights since leaving, this might have been interesting. She fell into the trap of being constantly ‘nice’ to the point of taking back things she had said about Jade in the past. This was a despicable turnaround and completely invalidated her as a housemate.

Leo Sayer – This gnome-like contestant irritated the hell out of the other housemates by constantly speaking in the high whiny voice he normally uses for singing. He exited after realising he ‘had no clean pants’ (translates as ‘he was favourite to be evicted and knew it’) by breaking down a wall with a spade. We then got to see him start on the security staff.

Shilpa Shetty – A stunningly pretty Bollywood actress who seemed to cry at the drop of a hat. Shilpa was probably the most mentally stable contestant in there. She constantly told Big Brother how much she loved her newfound domestic skills, having always had servants in the past. What made this hilarious is that every time she said “cooking” it sounded like she’d said “cocaine”. As in “Cocaine has been the best part of being on Big Brother”, “Cocaine is new to me” and so on. Don’t know if anyone else picked up on this but she had us in stitches.

Jermaine Jackson – Not only old school, but left us entertaining the possibility that we might be watching the same TV show as Michael Jackson. Got himself into a spot of bother by calling Jade White Trash and ‘non-class’. Both these statements were true.

Dirk - Who used to play Face in the A-Team. Cue hours of other contestants humming the A-Team theme tune as Dirk got things out of the cupboard and so on. Apart from that he just smoked cigars and tried to fend off Cleo’s advances.

Jo O’Meara – The blonde one from S Club 7. Jo had become a dog breeder since leaving the band, probably a wise move as she doesn’t appear to be cut out for celebrity. Sitting around in a stained dressing gown all day is not everso glamorous.

Danielle Lloyd – A slit eyed former beauty queen who owes her looks to extensive plastic surgery and lost her title after one of the judges turned out to be her boyfriend Teddy Sherringham. Danielle was initially thought to be sweet and at one point the bookies favourite to win.

Jade Goody - Who began her ‘career’ on Big Brother without even winning. Jade returned only to see it crash and burn in an enjoyably ironic fashion. She also managed to cause an international scandal, which was an incredible feat for someone who can’t spell their own name. Prior to this life altering CBB, Jade had the best selling perfume and fitness video in the UK.

Jack – Jade’s dumb-as-a-post teenage boyfriend. Jade said at one point that he had treated her kids as his own. There’s a reason for that, he didn’t realise they weren’t his.

Jackiey – Jade’s mum was invited along to prove the old saying that ‘The apple don’t fall too far from the tree…”. Jackiey – and it’s actually spelt that way – looked like Chuckie, hit on Jo, called Shilpa everything from ‘Sherpa’ to ‘Shurgar’ and finally settled on just ‘The Indian’. Jackiey was evicted from the house in a surprise eviction and separated from her ‘Chavvy’ without ‘me trotters’.

Donny Tourette – This try-hard played a very minor but memorable part. He turned up completely off his face, to a chant of ‘who ARE you’ from the crowd. All the celebrities got the chant, but Donny got the ar*e as well. Flinging his suitcase at the crowd he squared up and staggered simultaneously shouting pathetically “who the f**k are you, Sunshine?”
After hitting on Danielle he escaped over the fence, ostensibly so that he wouldn’t “have to wait on that f**king moron [Jade] and her family”, but more likely to escape the lecherous Cleo. He did get into bed (naked) with Leo Sayer (better that than Cleo) and deliberately pee in the shower before leaving.

So, what happened?

Well, we got a timely reminder that political correctness will win through and that we like our celebrities to be extra stupid.

Shilpa as the only genuine celebrity, albeit a foreign one, got bullied by Jo, Danielle and Jade. Big Brother, instead of rationing shopping like they do with the plebs, let these three have as much booze as they liked. Danielle quickly showed her true colours by starting on Shilpa and then blamed it on Jade after a slanging match between Jade and Shilpa resulted in Jade’s eviction. Jo cackled but didn’t really contribute. However, the pop has-been, the failed beauty queen and the former big brother thicko kept this up for so long on national TV that they got themselves into trouble.

I’m actually bored of the whole thing now, but it seems the media doesn’t tire as easily. It’s given Shilpa’s UK profile a great kick start and they have screened the interviews with her time and again. I have to say, I felt genuinely sorry for her when they were starting on her and I’m glad some good has come out of the abuse she had to endure.

There have been a few amusing twists such as Jade getting the sack as patron of an anti-bullying charity. They went to make a programme which involved her taking a trip to India, but surprise, surprise – the Indian government refused her visa. I think the programme would have shown nothing more than Jade getting off the plane before she was stoned to death or similar.
Channel Four have managed to use a much more racist contestant from Shipwrecked (who said of black people “from what I’ve heard, they’re pretty bad.”). Jade was a bully more than a racist, it was Jack who used the word “p**i” and as for that mother of hers…..

The most uncomfortable thing was Davina having a go at Jade and Jo. Each time they showed the news reports and their faces I had to look away. It was cringe making. Danielle, who got away with pretending she was ‘easily led’ got off lightly despite her comments that “they [Indians] eat with their hands…. Or is that Chinese?”

I’m not really sure how these brainless nobodies were expected to behave, but they lacked the finesse of more seasoned stars and made for better viewing. Channel Four was slated in the papers as Channel Fourth Reich, effigies of the producers were burnt on the streets of India and the UK learnt that no publicity is bad publicity…….Isn’t that right?

Summary: Where are they now?? Bet they wish they'd stayed obscure.