Big Brother might be watching - but I won't be! (Celebrity Big Brother)

Member Name: jo1976

Product:	Celebrity Big Brother
Date:	04/01/09 (165 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Marginally more interesting than watching paint dry

Disadvantages: The has-beens and wannabes that feature on it

I watched the first episode of the 2009 series of Celebrity Big Brother last night and, believe me, I won't make the same mistake again! Most of us are familiar with the concept of Big Brother, where contestants are locked into a purpose-built house and filmed 24 hours a day. They have to nominate each other to go up for a public telephone vote and gradually the contestants are voted out one by one (not fed to the lions, unfortunately).

The 'Celebrity' version is a bit of a misnomer, in my personal opinion. This year, like most others, there are a few 'big names' in the house with the numbers made up by a mixture of washed-up has-beens and, supposedly, up-and-coming wannabes. I quite deliberately haven't looked up the names of all the contestants this year. Surely, if they are 'celebrities' they should be household names and I wouldn't need to look them up, would I? So, here's my own version of the 'Who's Who' of this year's Celebrity Big Brother (more like 'Who's S/He?!) in order of them popping into my mind:

1. LaToya Jackson
Definitely a household name, but only by virtue of being related to one of the weirdest people in pop, not thanks to any specific talents or personality. She kept saying how she doesn't know anything about the show and looks really nervous amongst the other housemates. Seeing that her brother (Jermaine) featured in Big Brother on a previous series, I'm sure she'd have taken the opportunity to ask him something about the show (if not actually watch some of it beforehand!) If she didn't she's even dafter than she appears to be!

I found watching her last night quite distressing - as she just looks like Micheal Jackson in drag! All that plastic surgery just makes her look deformed and plain weird.

2. Terry Christian
Come on now, just how many years ago did 'The Word' stop showing on Channel Four and just what has Terry Christian been seen on since? Not so much reviving a flagging career as flogging a dead horse, I fear. Nonetheless, he did come across as quite a 'nice' bloke, although he was much more interesting when he was surrounded by people eating their own vomit and snogging Grannies (although we will have to see what the rest of this series brings!)

3. Ulrika Jonsson
One of my favourites. I loved her when she was on 'Shooting Stars' with Vic and Bob and she comes across as a really happy, friendly person. I'd be interested to see whether that persona holds up in the pressure of the Big Brother house!

4. Verne Troyer
Better (okay, only) known as Mini-Me from the Austin Powers films. (I keep wanting to call him Jules Verne but he was the bloke who wrote 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea and I'm pretty certain they're not one and the same!) He will probably stay until the end - if not win - as I can't imagine the contestants will want to be seen voting him out.

5. Mutya Buena
Out of the Sugababes. Nothing more to add really. Just adds to the furniture in the house!

6. Coolio
American rap artist. His music's not my cup of tea but he came across quite well. He seemed to have a sense of humour and has already started flirting with some of the females in the house.

7. Lucy Pinder
The obligatory 'glamour' model. I'd never heard of her before the series and hope I don't afterwards. I'm sure she's an exceptionally intelligent woman and we shouldn't be judgemental about the fact that she has based her career on getting her baps out for the lads!

8. Michelle Heaton
The creation of one reality show, Michelle also comes across as 'nice but dull.' Probably got a new single in the offing.

9. Some Liverpudlian actress
Well, allegedly, an actress but I've never heard of her or seen her on TV. My son was in his school Nativity play, does that make him a celebrity too?

10. Erm...struggling here...oh, yeah - some bloke from some boy band.
Yes, this one really made a lasting impression on me!

11. Tommy... somebody
So 'famous' and memorable, that I've had to edit this review to add him on. A Scottish MP (or MEP?) Talk about scraping the barrel!

So, that's the line-up this year. If you can't find any wet paint to watch drying, it is shown on Channel Four every evening at 9pm and virtually continuously on E4!

Edit: June 2009 - The (allegedly) 'normal' BB is now showing on Channel Four. Another one to miss!

Summary: The Who's s/he of Big Brother