Celebrity Not So Coolio Big Brother 2009 (Celebrity Big Brother)

Member Name: Zmugzy

Product:	Celebrity Big Brother
Date:	16/01/09 (363 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Verne dressed as a Teddy bear

Disadvantages: Tina plucking the hairs from her chin

~ Celebrity Big Brother 2009 ~

Celebrity Big Brother is back after taking a year off on account of the poppadom scandal last time out. This one has been pretty dull so far... a yawn a minute, but it has picked up in the last few days as Coolio, one of three Americans on this year's show (too many in my opinion), continues to bully the girls and make them cry. Perhaps one reason for the dull start is that the housemates this year were given extra full briefings on how to behave before entering the house in order to avoid any of the so called scandals of previous CBBs. As a result they all seemed to be stepping on egg shells.


::The Interesting Ones::
The star of the show so far is Verne Troyer, a US actor especially known as Mini Me in Austin Powers and who has also starred in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, The Love Guru and Men in Black. He is the bookies favourite to win the contest and from what I've seen so far he is my favourite. It is quite a learning experience to watch someone so physically challenged deal with able bodied housemates in an able bodied environment. Verne stands only 2 feet and 8 inches tall and is one of the smallest men in the world. Because of his stature and low voice he often finds himself impolitely ignored during conversations between the other housemates. But for me he is one of the few reasons to keep watching. Check out a snippet of him singing 'Endless Love' with Ulrika on Youtube and you'll see what I mean. Apart from looking hilarious when he dresses up in silly costumes, he also has a witty sense of humour and is one of the most laid back and genuine contestants. I could make non-PC jokes about his size now, but I won't because he didn't choose to be that way...

...Latoya Jackson on the other hand is nearly as weird as her brother Michael. She's quiet as a mouse and suitably has a mouse's nose obviously modelled by the same plastic surgeon from Toyland as her Brother's (or was his nose modelled on hers?) and with a face purchased in the same replicant factory. She's lovely but calculating and creepy. Her eyes look like they're being powered by some remote control switch. What's even more disturbing is... I think I fancy her... Aaaaaargh!

Coolio (Artis Leon) is a 90's rapper and former gangster. He's 'famous' for his 90's hit single "Gangsters Paradise". Didn't like him at first and still don't like him much. Don't you just hate it when really stupid arrogant bar stewards like him have loads of money? Bit of a dope in my opinion, although I wouldn't say it to his face, I'll just write it here and hope he reads it: Coolio, you're a big dick head! His clothes are sillier than the Big Brother costumes and he prances about like a silly prat bullying little girls - he spent the first week making poor little Geordie lass Michelle cry like a baby... although it was easy I have to say.

Ulrika Jonsson is a former weather girl, shooting star, Sven girlie, self-confessed sex-addict and John Leslie's Nemesis. Ch4 reportedly paid £175,000 in order to drag the poor (well not so poor) woman on to the show. She is apparently the highest paid housemate. She seems to have become unpopular with a lot of the other housemates and the phrase "she has her head stuck up her own backside (or words to that effect)" have been used to describe her attitude on a few occasions. She was crying last night because she wasn't allowed to cook or something... God it's getting stressful in there!

Former TV presenter, Mancunian Terry Christian is, I find, a likeable guy, although some find him an annoying arse and he does go on a bit about all the people he knows, (that is, used to know) in the music scene. On the whole though, he comes across as one of the most down to earth housemates, even if he has been sucking up to Coolio a bit too much for my liking. He was a bit stressed out after unintentionally upsetting Ulrika (and thereby dashing any hopes of a kiss and a cuddle). He put her up for eviction in the first week when he decided she was the housemate with the biggest ego. It was only part of a game but Ulrika was unable to work that out, probably because of her inflated ego.

Actress Tina Malone (at last they they've sent her home) is a regular on the Channel 4 hit show Shameless and I think she was also on Brookside way back. I'm watching CBB as I write this and all I can hear is her fat gob. Will someone please fill it with a boot! I recently read in a local paper that her family were embarrassed that she went on the show. They're not the only ones I'm sure. She comes across as extremely foul mouthed and spouts out the F word every minute from one side of her mouth as a fag hangs out the other side. Apparently she couldn't give an F about this and she couldn't give an F about that. She takes vulgarity to a new level. Big Brother's Big Mouth are holding a contest to see how many times she utters the words: F***, Sh** and P*** by the end of the week. She also has far too much to say about herself ("men find me attractive because they think I'm dirty"). She should keep her big gob shut, but of course that's impossible.


::The Boring One::
Tommy Sheridan is (or was) another Scottish Socialist politician who has unbelievably entered the celebrity Big Brother house. Didn't he see George Galloway prancing about in a leotard pretending to be a cat in 2007? From what I've seen so far he seems to spend most of his time lying on the couch looking like he's bored out of his sodden mind. Apparently he's completing a Law degree so he's probably doing this to pay for the fees. His most interesting moment so far was a duet with Latoya dressed in salt and pepper costumes. And you call yourself a revolutionary Tommy?


::The Really Boring Ones:
The rest are about as exciting as flat pack furniture.

Lucy Pinder has now gone and is completely forgotten. She became a celeb whilst sunbathing on a Bournemouth beach in 2003 and someone spotted her 32Gs. Apparently she only gets them out for Tory voters. Someone told me David Cameron is an admirer. I'd never heard of her before the show but then I don't have the (retarded) intellect that's required to read 'Nuts' or 'The Sun' where she often reveals all (so I'm told).

Michelle (yawn) was in the pop group Liberty X. She has spent half the time so far sobbing and bawling because Coolio keeps winding her up about her and Ben 'getting it on', which they obviously aren't. She's worried about what her boyfriend might think. He obviously now thinks she's a whimpering spoilt little tart and if he's got any sense will dump her as soon as she gets out.

Mutya Buena has an interesting name and that's about it. OK she sings quite well and looks good in a leopardskin, but is still the number one yawn of the house - a former member of the Sugababes and now (yawn) a solo artist.

Last and least is Boring Ben Adams (even his name is boring) who used to be in the boy band A1. Since then he's being trying to find a girlfriend on Facebook. A1... remember them? No? Thought not. Who ever he is, he's deluded. "I'm most famous for being in A1", he said upon entering the house. No you're not Ben, you're just an insignificant nobody with all the personality of shopping trolley.


Oh noooooooooooooo! I've just remembered the highlight of the week: Tina spread out on the bed with her foot in her mouth biting her toe nails and spitting them out. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Arrrgh! It's an image that's been haunting me all week and will stay with me for the rest of my life. Do women really do that?

She's up for eviction tonight. GET RID OF THE WOMAN!


No matter who wins s/he will always be a loser... unless it's Verne.

Summary: Celebrity Big Brother 2009 - the contenders