Newest Review: ... no alcohol to get them to get their tits or men's bits out and its all about the performance. The dreaded 'head banger' where the fema... more
Ice to see you .... to see you ice!
Dancing on Ice
Member Name: thedevilinme
Dancing on Ice
Advantages: Good working - class TV!
Disadvantages: Good working - class TV!
I think any current Z List celebrity (a person who is famous for no discernable skill, dated another celebrity or a fading star....) that's not working in reality TV right now should go on the governments Work Program, whether they are signing on or not. Alongside Dancing on Ice ('strictly' with splints) we have just had 'I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here', Celebrity Big Brother and the dreadful Splash on ITV, that one so bad it's good. Its doesn't matter what your celebrity skill is as long as you are willing to accept fifty grand to be humiliated by showing access flesh or taking on some shadenfreude you should be on the telly in January. This is austerity times and if the unemployed have to take any job offered then so should Christopher Biggins!!!
Oh, he does.
One so called celeb is so keen to do his bit that he was allowed to sneak out of the Big Brother House to enter another reality show and then return to the house six hours later, that incredibly inane homosexual Rylan caught out rehearsing for the X Factor. On the show the incident was called a 'family matter', until some burnout Eastenders actress blabbed about it.
As far as reality TV goes ITV shows tend to be more brutal and honest, not restricted by the BBCs sense of fair play. Well, if you're not going to expose the world's worse pedophile then I'm sure you can give Bruce Forsyth a contract until 2020. If you are eating a kangaroo testicle on ITV then that's exactly what you are doing and recorded on their VT for ever more. You are saying to the world that this is the only way I can make money now. The public, of course, have quickly become addicted to this ritual celebrity humiliation at the weekend as they settle in for the night after their takeaways and so the demand is high for these simplistic shows, cheap to make and more than paid for by the expensive advertisers who follow the public's vicious tastes. It's rare when advertisers don't actually get to make people watch or buy something.
Dancing on Ice came about to counter the BBCs incredibly successful Strictly Come Dancing, a ready made audience ripe to be pinched. ITV haven't denied that and just responding to commercial demand. Having Strictly Come Dancing on ice means the celebrities on the show have to be reasonably fit and brave to survive the first weeks as, on this show, unlike others, injuries are aplenty and you earn your money. There's no alcohol to get them to get their tits or men's bits out and its all about the performance. The dreaded 'head banger' where the female celebrity is swung around by the ankles by the professional with her head just above the rock hard ice is brutal and could easily clip half the celebs IQ off with one big skull crunching thud.
On Big Brother and I'm a Celebrity and the like you are voted out through pure hate, showbiz therapist to the stars rubbing their hands in glee with the work to come from the rejected, whereas here its on your physical performance and so fatties like Anne Widicombe and Christopher Biggins are not allowed on the ice - if just to make sure they don't crack it to hold up the show. They do have older characters on like Joe Psacle for laughs but their really is no room for passengers as it looks to cynical and obvious here if you have someone who can't skate.
But it's the bones that have been cracking in the series and that means people dropping out or getting three weeks off, the flaw in this particular show. Yes there is a certain pleasure to see some soap star nobody or 70s variety star smash their plastic surgery face into the ice or how good Ona King looks in sequins but essentially about how much you hate them and how bitchy the judges are. Only desperate celebrities would put themselves through this.
The star of the show is the irritating accent but gorgeous Christine Blakely, replacing airhead Holly Willoughby, who, as Melanie Griffiths once said, has a body made for sex and a head for business, a young lady making a lot of money by just standing their with a microphone in quite a few shows now. But, if you polled 10,000 14-year-olds at school I bet 90% would rather be her than a doctor or a lawyer. Holly Willoughby is why boys will always rule the world. But she has gone and after Blakely tanked on Daybreak they had to find her employment elsewhere on a contract as juicy as Holly's boobies.
Her side kick is the androgynous Phillip Schofield, winched from the sofa on Friday morning and dumped on the ice Saturday afternoons. Phillip and Christine are perfectly fine at the weekend job but lack Ant & Dec's mischievousness and Bruce's experience to work a family variety audience with a few 'boom tish' jokes for the orchestra. Its all left to the bitchy judges and broken limbs to generate the drama. The show is slightly different than 'Strictly' in that that the celebrities have mentors as well as their training partners and they are also expected to skate on their own.
We are on series 8 and the judges are ex British Olympian skater pairings of Nicky Slater and Karen Barber, motor mouth Jason Gardiner and Olympic Champion Robin Cousins, very skatey people and not ones for prepared and bitchy putdowns. They experiment with non ice people on the jury but most they have long since melted away but a current Pussy Cat Doll on the panel for some glamour, the Alisha Dixon conundrum. Torville & Deane are paid a reputed £250,000 per series to add polish and credence to the show by helping to train the celebrities.
---The 12 Contestants---
-Celebrity & professional dancer-
Pamela Anderson & Matt Evers
Lauren Goodger & Michael Zenezini
Oona King & Mark Hanretty
So far Baywatch dimbo Pamela Andersen, some no mark woman from The Only Way is Essex, Anthea Turner and ex Labor politician Ona King have been booted off by the public phone vote and skate off, via the judges. Why the predominately gay and female public phone vote remove female contestants early on seems to be one for the psychiatrists but clearly about keeping the good looking and non threatening guys in. It's a shame Oona has gone as she was surprisingly sexy in her sparkles and an interesting contestant, always nice to see stuffy people revealed in a sensual way. Anthea you just want to stick your leg out and watch her go flying. Has a woman ever loved herself as much as she has?
The remaining nine include the ubiquitous Joe Pasquale and Keith Chegwin on these shows, Olympians Luke Campbell (boxer) and the goofy Beth Tweddle (gymnast), gay rugby player Gareth Thomas and ex soap stars Matt Lapinskas (Eastenders) and Samia Ghadie (Coronation Street), joining X-Factor reject Shayne Ward to complete the line up. There has been criticism of Olympians cashing in on their success in shows like this but for me they deserve every penny and can do as they please. If they prefer this to training then they wont win any more medals, will they.
The other eight still going strong...
Beth Tweddle & Daniel Whiston
Gareth Thomas & Robin Johnstone
Joe Pasquale & Vicky Ogden
Keith Chegwin & Olga Sharutenko
Luke Campbell & Jenna Smith
Matt Lapinskas & Brianne Delcourt
Samia Ghadie & Sylvain Longchambon
Shayne Ward Singer & Maria Filippov
Like Splash its keep it simple and the risk there, blood on the ice always appealing. Make sure the audience hate the celebrities the production team picked for that reason alone and keep them on as long as possible to wind up the phone voters to dial some more. The female celebrities are not asked to skate long and there just to show some thigh and the professionals do most of the work, whereas the boys are entrusted to lift the female professionals and show more bicep. The music to dance to is given to them and the professional's part choreographed the basic routines. They all have to cover twelve required elements, including spinning on the spot, the classic ice dance move.
As I say it's the phone vote to decide the bottom two and then the judges rip them apart. Certain celebs will be paid more and so presumably contracted to be on the show longer. The funny and non offensive one doesn't always win the show and looks tend to come into it with the public. If you want to make a wager on the winner then the signs are good if you are a soap fan as nearly all of the previous winners have been soap stars - and mostly ITV ones. That makes handsome Matt Lapinskas (Eastenders) and Samia Ghadie hot favorites for gold and silver. Mat is clear favorite at 5/6 and Beth Tweddle second fav at 5/2 with Samia third fav at 6/1. The ITV voters go for the familiar so Matt looks the winner, bar having his throat accidentally cut by another skater's blade.
Series 1 - Gaynor Fey (Coronation Street)
Series 2 - Kyran Bracken (England Rugby)
Series 3 - Susanne Shaw (Pop Stars, Emmerdale)
Series 4 - Ray Quinn (X Factor, Brookside)
Series 5 - Hayley Tammadon (Emmerdale)
Series 6 - Sam Attawater (Eastenders)
Series 7 - Mathew Wolfendaw (Emmerdale)
Can the show make it to ten years in 2015? Well its viewing figures were as high as 12 million for the launch in 2006 but now half that at around 6.9, why it's been moved to Sunday night to make way for the equally vacuous Splash. It's an ok show as far as the genre and format goes and not really my thing I am I honest but for fans of comfy TV it remains a must on Sunday night between I'm a Celebrity and Britain's Got Talent...
Summary: Good working - class TV!