Hell's Bells..Rambo is back...in East London! (Hell's Kitchen)

Member Name: Nigel1

Product:	Hell's Kitchen
Date:	21/04/09 (265 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Overcome your fear.......of the stove!

Disadvantages: May bring out the worse in the participants.

Rambo, aka Marco Pierre White is back, and has his most deadly mission yet. Forget about trekking through the dangerous terrain of Afghanistan, or venturing forth into war-torn Burma with a group of mercenaries intent on rescuing Christian Aid workers, risking life and limb to do so. No, this time he has been sent on a missive of far greater importance and urgency, which is to infiltrate an East London restaurant, code name Hell's Kitchen, where a group of eight raw recruits, who go under the guise of 'c' list celebrities, are eagerly awaiting his arrival, for, crucially, within two weeks, they must be transformed into reasonably adequate cooks..or incur his deadly wrath should they show the slightest weakness in boiling the potatoes or frying the fish.

Of course, as far as Marco-Rambo is concerned, he has no need for large hunting knives, machine guns or bows and arrows to whip his recruits into shape. Instead, preferring to rely on his eight inch kitchen knife, a black and white bandanna type tea-towel, a chef's uniform, and his secret weapon......a stare from his piercing eyes, which can burn right through to the soul, invading the very molecules that make up the human body. Anyone caught in this stare is trapped like a rabbit in the headlights, unable to move or utter anything coherent, until they finally wilt and wither, reduced to a blubbering blob of jelly, completely submissive to his commands.

Obviously, Marco Pierre White, is in reality, a Three Star Michelin Head Chef, renowned throughout the world as one of the best chef's ever to use a chopping block. But, for this TV reality show, Marco seems to have decided to go down the Rambo-lookalike route, hence the bandanna and kitchen knife, which he constantly and menacingly slaps between the palms of his hands, ready to use at a moments notice!

He has two weeks to try and make his eight 'celebrities' into something that they are not....better cooks!

Marco will 'sack' the first four celebs himself, judging their willingness to please himself and his ego more than how good (or bad) they can actually cook food, I suspect. The remaining four victims will be judged and tried by the jury that are the faithful following of television viewers. Voting costs £1 or (£1 plus standard charge if choosing to vote by text)...A nice little earner here for Marco &Co!!

For anyone interested.....Yawn!.. Here is a run-down of the eight minor 'c' list celebrities that are desperate enough to be thrown into Marco-Rambo's rather large and sweaty hands!

1..Adrian Edmondson.. (actor/comedian)
2..Bruce Grobbelaar.. (former Liverpool goalie)
3..Danielle Bux.. (fiancée of Gary Lineker)
4..Jody Latham.. (acted in Shameless)
5..Niomi Daley.. (aka Ms Dynamite)
6..Linda Evans.. (ex-Dynasty star)
7..Anthea Turner.. (wife of Grant Bovey)
8..Grant Bovey.. (husband of Anthea Turner)

As can be seen from the above list, it is not very inspiring or earth shattering, now is it!

Adrian Edmondson, to my surprise, seems as sly as a sly old fox, taking every opportunity available to him to berate at his pleasure, anyone who he thinks is grabbing more 'air time' than himself. He called poor little Jody Latham.....Who?...You know, that well known and popular star out of that programme called Shameless...Ah. yes, that Jody! Well anyway, our Ade called him a 'tosser' because Jody fed a group of people who were at the restaurant, despite Marco-Rambo telling him not to. Ade got upset that he had been lied to and refused to accept young Jody's apology, probably because he didn't have the gumption and thinking-power to take the initiative himself!

Of course, Jody handled the situation appallingly, by tweaking the truth and then confessing to his misdemeanour's, which did not go down well with the rest of the cooking team (much like most of their cooking, in all honesty).

All this hullabaloo and commotion then seemed to spark off Brucie the ex-goalie, who up until that point had seemed entirely disinterested in the whole affair. However, grabbing the opportunity in both hands (unlike what he was capable of doing with the ball during his time as a goalie) to make a name for himself, he refused to accept Jody's apology and also refused to shake his hand, instead deciding to spout on at Jody about morals and virtues and the importance of being truthful. This impassioned speech seems odd coming from a man who once was accused of alleged match fixing. Pot, kettle and black springs to mind here!

Meanwhile, the gruesome twosome, husband and wife, Anthea and Grant, or 'Granthea' if you will, were indignant with rage. The male part of Granthea was upset that Jody had called his wife a 'bitch' and a 'dick', berating bemused Jody, and warning him not to call his wife that ever again, while the female part of Granthea snipped and sneered at Jody, accusing him of being a massive shirker and how he was letting the team down by being lazy. She spouted on endlessly, adopting a holier-than-thou attitude, again which seems justifiably out of place when you consider that Anthea was dumped, unceremoniously by the Macmillan Cancer Charity for failing to attend fund-raising events.

Take note the Brucie's and Antheas's of this world. There is a saying from the bible which says 'Do not judge the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye, when you have a plank in yours'.

Hilariously, on first meeting his wannabe chefs, Marco-Rambo decided he wanted to get to know all about them....by asking them all to make a sandwich....which apparently, is his preferred method of analysing personalities! As a result, millions of people world wide are deleting their profiles from sites such as Yahoo and Facebook, and are placing a picture of their preferred sandwich there instead!

Not only has Marco morphed into Rambo, he also appears to have adopted the Zen religion, which in essence, is attempting to understand the meaning of life directly, without being misled by logical thought, or language.

Preferring to spend most of his time spouting these Zen-like prophetic cliches, rather than concentrate on the actual food making process and all that it entails, Marco-Rambo seems to be gradually sinking into a type of Mystic Meg of all things kitchenalia, quoting these chinese-like proverbs and words of wisdom to his terrified and captivated victims. " I will know within two hours what you are capable of doing" he advises, or more accurately, warns the celebs, reinforcing the point with a long stare from his well-chiselled face, which could turn even the most hardened criminals into big softies.

"The less you know, the less you'll fear" he warned the already petrified celebs, adding that they must overcome their fear of.......the stove!

After Marco-Rambo analysed the celebs personalities via a lettuce sandwich, he then decided to probe deeper into their lives by asking them to make something that reminded them of their childhood, reminding them with another of his Chinese proverbs that 'a tree without any roots is but a piece of wood'.

Niomi Daley made a couple of little dumplings which Marco-Rambo found intriguing. Yes Marco, just like the rest of the red-blooded male population, we too find her dumplings intriguing!

Brucie proffered some scrawny chicken feet, complete with bone and claws, with two side dishes consisting of a soup of some sort, and a further dish with a grey Polyfilla-like substance. Through tears that were not unlike those of a crocodile, Brucie explained to the bewildered Marco-Rambo how they were eaten, proving the point further by taking one of the hideous feet out of its resting place and dipping it in the blood-like soup and then placing this grotesque dripping foot and rolling into the grey Pollyfilla mixture and from there into his not so small gob, crunching and chewing through bone, gristle and skin, advising Marco-Rambo that by tradition, all this had to be done using the right hand only. What he probably forgot to tell Marco-Rambo was that the reason for this is that the left hand was probably used to hold the sick-bucket ready!

The show itself, is rather disappointingly hosted by Claudia Winkleman of Strictly Come Dancing fame. Unfortunately, Claudia seems to be suffering constantly from bad hair/eye/dress sense days!

Here choice of dresses for the show seem almost to beggar belief. She wears massive ball-gown type dresses than seem to overwhelm her thin, frail body, and on last night's show she seemed to have got hold of one of Val Doonican's white woolly jumpers, cut off the sleeves and wriggled into what was left of it, setting this off with a black T-shirt.

And what on earth has she done to her eyes, They seem blacker than the Hole of Calcutta and do her no justice whatsoever. Top this whole setting off with her hair that seems in dire need of attention from a hair-dresser, and we have the most bizarre host ever to grace Hell's Kitchen!

She confessed to Marco-Rambo that she gets confused even trying to make a simple piece of toast, failing to tell him her equal confusion when it comes to make-up or wardrobe!

Her predecessor, Angus Deayton, was, in my opinion, perfect for the job. One raise of an eyebrow from this cheeky-chappy spoke volumes. Unfortunately, Claudia seems to be attempting to follow some of his traits, but she raises both eyebrows which is a gesture of surprise, Claudia, and not bemused sarcasm, as only Angus could portray.

Throughout each show, the 'c' list celebrities have to cook, and supply meals for at least sixty equally pathetic, limelight-grabbing and attention-seeking 'stars' of yesteryear.

Smugly sitting at their seats, despite knowing what is going on around them, they constantly criticise the food, and moan when it is five minutes late in arriving. Some complain that their venison is slightly overcooked, while others complain that there is too much asparagus on their plate, or the sauces accompanying their food is either too thick or too thin. Some even deign to confront Marco-Rambo over their dissatisfaction of the fayre, but are readily cut down to size by this overworked and similarly overheated Head Chef who will inform them in not too pleasing a manner 'where to go!'.

That well known gourmet and food critic...err...ummm.. Joe Swash, (the one who acted in EastEnders and won I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here) showed his true talents by reasoning that he wasn't knocking the soup, but the FISH soup appeared very FISHY! I think poor old Joe may be suffering from jungle fever, or at the very least, over exposure to Ant & Dec.

Marco-Rambo parades up and down his kitchen, bandanna on head, slapping his kitchen knife ominously in the palm of his hand, all seeing and all knowing, grunting commands to his underlings, who try to avoid his penetrating stare at all costs. Yes Marco, no Marco, three bags full Marco, they try to do and say exactly what they hope will please Marco-Rambo, lest they incur his terrible wrath and anger.

Sweating profusely, with long bedraggled greasy hair swept back in that 80's Heavy Metal style via his bandanna, you would be forgiven if you thought Marco was some sort of mercenary rather than a top quality professional chef.

And as for the celebrities themselves, well, they may have arrived in Hell's Kitchen as reasonably respectful entertainers of varying degrees, but there is more than a slim chance they will be leaving as fools and buffoons!

This dreadful mire of ego's, attention seeking has-beens and desperado's have spilled gracelessly into my living room nightly, leaving me heaving and foaming at the mouth. The never ending stream of garbage and nonsense spewed forth by these inane celeb contestants had me gagging for breath and reaching for the phone number for the Samaritans.

It obviously goes without saying that I am now completely obsessed with the show. Damn you, celebrities, damn you, Marco-Rambo and damn you Hell's kitchen. In fact, damn every vile second you are on!

Summary: Be afraid.....Be very afraid!