I had a rotten day at work today, so I’ve decided to make everyone else miserable by announcing the results of tomorrow night’s Pop Idol final. In case you have missed it, this is a show in the same vein as Popstars (guilty of producing Hear’say) where thousands of hopeful young singers expose their varying abilities to the nation in the hope of instant success. Having whittled the numbers down over the past months, ITV have captivated the nation as the final 10 have been knocked out one at a time until we are left with just two, Gareth and Will. Each week, the performers have displayed their wares in front of a live, sympathetic audience of mainly family and friends; been subjected to sometimes brutal, sometimes stupid comments from the ‘expert’ judges; and been voted in or out by the public. The aim of the show is to find the singer with the ‘X’ factor, talent and that special quality that will make millions for a record company.

So who has won Pop Idol? It’s never as simple as it seems, because there are a few winners.

First, there is the show itself. This is a crass, voyeuristic programme that defies all human reason to produce absolutely riveting TV. I wanted to hate it … but I haven’t missed a week and have found myself planning my Saturday nights around the performances and the announcement of the results. When I heard how they intended to drag out the finals, I thought it could never work. But this is clever television that sucks you into believing that you are really getting to know the young performers as they grow in front of your eyes. It’s weekly offerings are short enough to avoid boring you and entertaining enough to stop you changing channels.

Second winners are the presenters Ant and Dec. I know, I can’t believe I’m saying this either. The image etched in my mind of these permanent pubescents is when they sang Let's Get Ready to
Rumble as PJ and Duncan - never has there been a more inappropriate title for a song by a couple of the least hard-looking wimps you are ever likely to see. (Although New Kids on the Block’s ‘Hang Tough’ came close). I developed a sneaking respect for Ant and Dec when I saw their behind-the-scenes documentary of the making of the live Saturday morning kids show, SMTV - and they’ve grown on me ever since. On Pop Idol they have been silly without being irritating, and at times genuinely funny. They’ve got a bright future ahead of them.

Third winners are the expert judges … at least some of them. There are four in all and I’ll announce the winners in reverse order.

Dr. Fox is a DJ, well known to viewers of the Pepsi Chart show. He knows as much about musical talent as the average DJ, which is considerably less than the average TV viewer. He is the lightweight of the judges, with a flair for remarks that state the obvious and add nothing.

Nicki Chapman is sharp music industry lady. She played a blinder in the Popstars series, but has been too measured and bland in her remarks in Pop Idol and has failed to shine.

Pete Waterman is a legend in his own lifetime and knows his stuff. Sadly, he talks shite most of the time and is wildly inconsistent in his judgements. But he is entertaining.

Simon Cowell is the Mr Nasty of the judges. In other words, he knows crap when he sees it and is the only one you would buy a second-hand artist from. He has lost his edge over the last few weeks, but still stands head and shoulders above the rest. A worthy winner.

And the performers? Sorry Pop Idol, but I don’t think any of the 10 finalists was close to having the ‘X’ factor. The only singer worth listening to was Hayley and she was given the boot a few weeks ago. Of the two remaining singers, Gareth will win tomorrow night. He’s not a great singer, bu
t my 15 year old daughter says he is very cute. That leaves him with considerably more chance than Ronan Keating of making the big time. As for Will, my 11 year old says it all: “Granny would vote for him”. She will, as will millions of other post-menopausal viewers, but he’s no Pop Idol.

But there is hope out there. A few weeks ago, the Irish version of Popstars ended with the selection of a group of six young singers. One of them lied about her age and had to go - she was only 16 instead of the required 18. I saw her sing live on TV and she has a stunning voice that puts all of our would-be Pop Idols to shame. In 5 years time, we will have forgotten the names of all the Pop Idol finalists. By then, a young woman called Nadine Coyle will be an international star. Remember, you heard it first on Dooyoo!