INSENSITIVE TITLE AS FAT LADY SINGS (Pop Idol)

Member Name: marandina

Product:	Pop Idol
Date:	23/12/03 (263 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: Geezer in gold suit singing Tainted Love

Disadvantages: Tis a rip off yer fools

Now let me get this straight, I never saw any of the first series of Pop Idol. I think that that's an important point to make whilst I try to preserve the little bit of credibility that may remain after writing this particular epistle. Just to prove a point, both Will Young and Gareth Gates are as obscure to me as a South American Bolas would be in the middle of Norwich. Notwithstanding, I do think that Will Young's latest single is quite catchy although both the aforementioned probably belong more in the murky depths of a Eurovision song contest as opposed to any manufactured presence in a world dominated by manipulators and deceivers.

So it was that I flitted in and out of the Pop Idol final. For those self-respecting, upstanding individuals that choose not to watch this pulp fiction, Pop Idol is a concept based on a series of auditions for 10000 (I think) wannabes who get whittled down to an eventual winner via a series of rounds. The real draw is the caustic comments made by the panel of judges who take seeming delight in reducing this year's budding Maria Carey or Justin Timberlake into last year's cabaret window cleaner not even good enough to star in Peter Kaye's Phoenix Nights. It's this pernicious malevolence that inspires thousands, nee millions to join a rolling bandwagon that concludes in a 1 against 1 showdown in front of a studio audience (all holding silly placards imploring a vote for their favoured candidate).

But this year has been different hasn't it? From the plastic pop clones that are Will Young and Gareth "I did Jordan" Gates to a voting public determined to go against the grain and elect a King or Queen who breaks the mould. Trouble is, with the supposedly independent company collating the millions of texts and phone votes, how would you know whether they have really called it as it is? I mean, it's so uncanny that the apparent favourites have been voted off each week in floods of te
ars.

I still can't believe that I've taken in so much of this irrelevant nonsense when there have been more noble causes to pursue. In a time when Saddam has finally been tracked down to a bunker in Tikrit, here I am along with millions of others arguing about whether Sam is really Jamie Oliver trying to launch an alternative career and how come Andy Scott Lee is the only one who actually looks like a rock star and yet is so laid back that he probably still doesn't realise that he's been voted off. Hopefully, sis has more time on her hands since the break up of Steps and might call him to alert him to the next round of auditions already planned for next year (assuming Ant & Dec survive a jungle experience with Gazza)

An essential element of Pop Idol is the seasoned comments made by 4 judges who know the world of pop inside out. Poor old Pete Waterman has suffered an almost Bobby Robson type of absent mindedness during this series. Classically, he told the only decent singer in the last 12, Chris Hide, that nobody should attempt "White Christmas" and yet this song was chosen by the judges for him to sing. Still, his on screen love affair with the starry eyed Simon Cowell has entertained the viewing public although the loaded Mr Nasty did get told off for continually taking the Micheal out of poor old Pete, finally trying the patience of Ant & Dec by leaning back and starring at Mr Waterman during his latest ramble. You have to say, Simon Cowell is an astute man. Already the 3rd highest paid star on American TV, his collection of articulated put downs whilst smarming like the rich bloke he is has captured the imagination of women (without any depth) the globe over. His sparring with Kate Thornton has uttered subliminal messages of "do me on a bed of fifty pounds notes" although SC can clearly have his pick of the ladies whilst practising his next round of insults on the quiet with the winker, Anne Robinson.
r>Nicky Chapman continues to plough the middle ground with her pretty demeanour and generally nice comments although Dr Fox has become cheesier than a packet of Jacobs lost in an Edam factory. Ironically, one of his biggest insults has been to accuse some contestants of being too cabaret whilst looking like he would fit into one of Martin Fry's glittery ABC suits better than the aforementioned himself.

So to last Saturday night. Needless to say, the result was never in doubt. With 10.6 million votes cast (10.5 million by top 12 contender, lovely Kim who split them evenly as she didn't want anyone to lose), Simon Cowell's bank balance was very appreciative of all those teenage girls furiously texting whilst keeping their telephones on constant re-dial. The vote was never in question. How on earth people managed to convince themselves that the screechy porker from Scotland, Michelle (apologies to rotund ladies everywhere) could actually sing just typifies the mass hypnosis possible with this kind of project. OK, she has a booming voice but then she has a booming frame to generate it and am I the only one that finds her singing whiney and distinctly Scottish when I really just want to listen to a decent singer instead? She's even managed to come through a weekly visit to the sick bucket just before straining out her latest big number that's got the crowd rocking and cooing as she belts out those high notes. Poor old Black Country, Mark never stood a chance. With a twinkle in his eye and a mediocre warble, it still beggars belief that he managed to get that far. Even, mini-rocker Sam could sing better than Mark whilst Chris Hide genuinely can sing but is hampered by a geeky appearance and weird sense of humour. Saying that, Pete Waterman did call that one right and you can't help thinking that if it had been down to the Walsall millionaire, Chris would have won.

I guess that, ultimately, the thing I find most offensive about Pop
Idol is it's unsubtle approach to milking a gullible public out of it's hard earned. With Pop Idol on tour, Pop Idol Christmas Single, Pop Idol album, Pop Idol games etc together with the millions extricated via a suspect weekly vote, the whole thing smacks of blatant mass mind control. Of course, I can't escape the trap myself, my daughter insists she wants the Pop Idol album for Christmas (bah).

Will I be watching the series next year? Well, if it's got blokes like the gold-suited geezer who did a head roll on stage then sang an out of tune "Tainted Love" then I may well just do. Otherwise, a pendulous watch whilst being told that I'm getting very sleepy would do just as well.

Thanks for reading

Marandina (please don't sue me, I have no money)

Pop Idol features on ITV1 & ITV2 both on Saturday nights and throughout the week when it's on. Series 3 due 2004.