Scared For Life (Ghostwatch)

Name: stoffy

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Product:	Ghostwatch
Date:	08.05.02 (2483 review reads)
Rating:

Advantages: very different to anything else before it, must-see TV event of 1992

Disadvantages: terrible acting by the haunted family, you will never see it again...

It was the scariest programme ever to be screened in UK TV history. Children wept in horror at the shocking material before their eyes and ears, whilst parents tried to reassure them that it wasn't real, wasn't happening and that it would all be over soon. Still, enough about the ITV sitcom 'Barbara, this op's going to be about the BBC Screen One special, 'Ghostwatch' which had its first and only screening on terrestrial TV almost 10 years ago.

Screen One was a series of dramas, usually gritty stories about alcoholism, adoption and anabolic steroids. Or was that the Miriam Stoppard Show? Anyhow, 'Ghostwatch' deviated from the one-off drama norm somewhat in that it was a drama acted out by TV presenters. These part-time thespians included Michael 'the emu atackee' Parkinson, Sarah 'almost died in a helicopter crash' Greene, Mike 'once put a condom on a carrot at 8pm on national TV' Smith and Craig 'I prefer Coke to Pepsi' Charles.

Before I go on, I would also like to point out that dooyoo has made a serious categorisation faux pas with 'Ghostwatch'. I think it should belong in the section entitled 'horror' rather than 'comedy'. At least 'Barbara' would have some company then. Anyhow, I digress...

The format of the drama was to make out as if a Hallowe'en special was being broadcast by the BBC, live outside a haunted house. It started off with Parky explaining about the show, in his own cynical way. He and 'Smithy' (they're an informal lot at the Beeb, don't you know) were inside one of those sterile BBC studios, complete with state of the art pen-cam technology and operators 'ready to take your calls'. Meanwhile, Craig Charles was the roving reporter outside the spook house, complete with desperate-to-be-on-TV wannabes surrounding him.

It was the delightful Ms Greene who's job it was to stay w
ith the family in the scary abode. The residents consisted of an Irish woman and her two daughters. The eldest child, (who's acting ability indicated that the nearest she'd ever come to sniffing fame as a TV actress again would be serving semolina to Sandi Toksvig in the Pebble Mill canteen) and the younger one had been traumatised for months by a poltergeist they had nicknamed 'Pipes', because he banged on the pipes in the house. It was the aim of the programme to try and show the ghost or maybe to disprove the theory that they exist.

At first, the series took a quite casual tone, as Sarah bobbed some apples with the two children, whilst Parky talked to a psychologist in the studio. There was even a joke sequence, where Craig Charles dressed up as a ghost and jumped up on Sarah Greene. I almost heard her say an expletive, which to me was a bit like a young child nowadays hearing that Samantha Mumba tortures small puppies. I always thought she had such an innocent mind...

However, after this slow start (and a few deliberate mistakes on camera to make it out as if it really were a live broadcast), there was suddenly banging heard in the house. A worried looking Sarah Greene made her way upstairs, only to find one of the girls banging on the pipes herself, to try and attract some attention.

With everyone believing that whole situation had been hoaxed, everyone got a bit depressed. After all, this was primetime TV! Parky was sarky. Smithy was pithy. Everyone was upset, not least of all the mother hen of the house, who swore blind that they had not made the whole thing up, and that 'Pipes' really did exist.

Then strange things started to happen. A pile of badly-drawn kids pictures were found scattered across the floor. Then a damp patch appeared on the carpet (a throwback to Craig Charles scaring Ms Greene perhaps?). People in the studio started to notice peculiar things, and a viewer even said t
hat they saw a bizarre ghost like figure in the background in an earlier clip.

Back at the house, various pieces of equipment started to fail, although anyone who has seen a Beeb outside broadcast will realise that this is hardly unusual. Things began to escalate, and the children of the house started screaming (were they watching 'Barbara' on ITV?). Then all of the screens in the studio went dead, and contact was lost with the house.

Smithy started looking very concerned. What was happening? Why had the cameras failed? Why did Parky choose that godawful tie? Why could no-one get through on the hotline number?

Then things looked as if they got back to normal. The cameras were all functioning again, and it looked as though things in the hell-house had returned back to normal, with everyone up and moving. Then, after a few minutes, it dawned on the psychiatrist that the clocks showed an earlier time than what it really was - a rerun of the action was being shown! Panic once again ensued as they realised they had no way in getting in contact with the people inside the haunted house.

I think it was at this point that they managed to get some images back from the house. Sarah Greene, looking very scared, was trying to guide her cameraman in the dark. Mike Smith started swearing and demanding that his wife be taken out of the house immediately. A Blair Witch style chase continued as Greene and her faithful cameraman tried to find the two little girls. Sarah, getting all maternal, eventually came to a cupboard which she opened, and the noise and hysteria suddenly quietened. 'It's alright, you're safe now', she said, as she slowly crawled into the cupboard. All of a sudden, it slammed behind her, and we could hear her trying to open it, screaming as loud as she could. Then it went dead...

At this point, the whole TV studio started falling to pieces, with great bits of plaster falling from
the ceiling (had they been using the 'Crossroads' studio?). As the smoke in the studio cleared, there was an eerie silence, before Parky started singing, in a possessed voice, 'round and round the garden like a teddy bear'. And, er, the credits started to roll. People up and down the country were a bit confused. Surely good old Parky wasn't a demon? If it was going to be any B-list celebrity, it would be Bob Monkhouse surely? What happened to Sarah Greene? Was this the end of 'Going Live!' as we know it?

The next day saw the papers leap on the programme as being irresponsible and far too scary. This really was radical TV in 1992, before the likes of 'Brass Eye' and co had been on screen and really pushed the boundaries. The BBC were slammed for making something that children may have been watching, and for playing with dark forces.

Despite the show being advertised as being a drama rather than a real-life broadcast, a casual viewer may have been misled by things like the 'live phone-in' number which appeared on screen, and the calls fielded from people supposedly at home (despite one of these blatantly being Craig Charles himself, which kind of blew the cover of authenticity).

Apparently, one man committed suicide after watching it, and consequently, the BBC has never shown the programme again. It has also never been released on video, and is one of the most sought-after broadcastings of the 1990's. Ebay often has home-recordings of this 90 minute show going for tens of pounds, y'know.

I remember watching this as an 11 year old, and I thought it was kind of scary. But then again, Mr Snuffleofagous, Big Bird's hairy make-believe friend in 'Sesame Street' used to make me hide every time he appeared on screen, so maybe that isn't saying too much.

After watching it again recently (one of my friends was prudent enough not to tape over a recording
he made all those years ago), it struck me how awful the acting was by the family who were supposed to be haunted. Even so, all of the celebrities give pretty sturdy performances, especially Greene, who was wasted with Phillip Schofield.

I think that the pre-showing exposes of every programme in the media nowadays will prevent anything as original as this to hit the screens again. I think that the mushrooming of the spoof genre have made the viewing audience more cynical towards this sort of thing, and the general public wouldn't fall for it again to the extent in which they did a decade ago. Still if you fancy being shaken and stirred, you could always watch an episode or two of 'Barbara'. Now that IS scary...

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